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Single Mom Relationships

Posted by on Mar. 6, 2010 at 12:35 PM
  • 4 Replies

Hello. I am new to message boards but I have been wanting to join for a long time because I am interested in what other single moms think about my situation. Please give me your opinion, no matter how honest!

Here's my story: I married my ex-husband  (we'll call him Joe) in 2003 shortly after (9 months after) I lost my high school sweetheart in a motor vehicle accident. I was devasted about this and since we shared all of the same friends, they were all in mourning too and didn't come around because they didn't want to say the wrong things. I felt totally alone, in need to love and support, and "Joe" just happened to stick around. He did not treat me super nicely or with extra love and affection. He was simply an ear that listen, a shoulder to cry on, and he was always there when I just didn't want to be alone. We rushed into marriage because he was in the Navy. 6 months later we were pregnant with our first child. All the while, I am getting to know what a cold and heartless person he really was. I spent a lot of time alone at which time I found myself morning the loss of my high school sweetheart. We also fought a lot and his parents and sister always came before and in between our marriage.

Though I knew we were very unhappy together, I was determined to try and make things work for the sake of our family. While "Joe" was on a deployment, our baby and I moved in with his parents. While he was away, I spent my time taking night classes for my nursing prerequisites and making the arrangements to buy our house. By the time he came home, the long home-buying process was done and the house was prepared as a home. I thought that things would get better and we could start new but he was awkward and distance. Not long after, I found out that he cheated with a prostitute and brought home an STD which I quickly had treated. He denied cheating until caught, going as far as to blame the STD on me. His parents firmly held their support for their son when they found out about the affair. I felt very alone. Another baby came along soon after, but the marriage continued to fall apart.

When I was in my last quarter of the nursing program, going to school full-time and working full-time with minimal support from "Joe", I finally realized that I could not keep living the way I was leaving. Though he is a great dad to my children, he was a terrible husband and I felt my spirit slowly dying. I decided to kick him out of my apartment and began the divorce process. It was the biggest relief of my life! Even though at this point he began showing his true colors, harrassing me and threatening me, it felt wonderful to be free of him. I was ready to focus on my kids and finishing school.

Not long after, I reunited with a good friend from high school. We had shared a close bond at one time but did not share a romantic relationship because I was so in love with my high school sweetheart. Upon meeting up again, we both felt there was instant chemistry. I was hesitant to begin another relationship but could not deny the feelings, so we decided to take it slow. After a year I realized that I had found the guy that I had been looking for all along. He is respectful, warm, caring, loving, and giving. Our loves has slowly grown to be rich and true and I truly feel like we could share a lifetime together of love and committment. One big problem though, now after two years of being together, he has still not become the "stepfather" that I would want for my kids. He is nice to them and treats them with respect, but he is more firm with them than I would like for him to be. I have seen him with other kids and he is very loving and playful. He is just not like that with my kids. He is more calm and disciplinary. He explains that this is because if he is to be the father figure he needs to show leadership and strong authority. What does everyone think about this? He is also hesitant to get married and to start a family of our own even though we both have really good jobs and are stable. He agrees with me that we were meant for each other in many ways, but he would rather just live together than to get married.

I guess my thought is this...I made a big mistake in my first marriage, I admit that. What I was looking for was love and a family and I did not find that in "Joe". Now that I have found the love of my life, I am ready to have the family I have been missing and though he has the same feelings for me, he is taking his time on making our dreams a reality. He tells me that he wants to marry me and that he will propose, but he wants to make it special. That he wants to have kids but we do not necessarily need to be married. I feel like these are just excuses that point to one fact: He doesn't want to get married.

We have been living together for one year now and we are very happy together. Recently I got a really good job about half an hour away from our home and have decided that I am going to get my own studio closer to work so that I can focus on my career and my boys. I am not sure if this will cause him to give up on our relationship or to work harder for it. I just know that I have to do what is best for me. Let me know what you think about this because even though I know it is the right thing, it has been a really tough decision to make. I appreciate all your thoughts and support.

by on Mar. 6, 2010 at 12:35 PM
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Replies (1-4):
elvir2babes
by on Mar. 7, 2010 at 1:22 AM

welcome



Divorced, Separated, Single or Widowed Moms! Check out this awesome group!! http://www.cafemom.com/group/ConfidentSingleMoms

knycthomason
by on Mar. 7, 2010 at 8:33 PM

Sounds also to me like he is not wanting to marry.  It may be hard but sooner or later an ultamatium will have to be given.  By you sweetie.  God Bless.

Shy_Dia
by Gold Member on Mar. 7, 2010 at 8:42 PM

 sounds like he doesnt want to- or isnt ready for marriage... but why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? (why marry when you already have a live-in wife type thing)

i'd also be concerned about how he treats your kids. yes, he needs to be strong and authoritive, but he also needs to show the kids that he loves them, and cares for them. just like a mom needs to find the line between "friend" and "mommy"-- yes, i will play with you and laugh with you, but as soon as you step outta line, i will discpline you, not go along with your wrong doings. i hope i made sense..

and i think its good that you'll be moving out- it'll either strengthen or break the relationship. if he truly loves you and wants you, then he'll do what it takes to get you back. if he doesnt try- then he doesnt deserve you

elvir2babes
by on Mar. 8, 2010 at 10:17 PM

bump



Divorced, Separated, Single or Widowed Moms! Check out this awesome group!! http://www.cafemom.com/group/ConfidentSingleMoms

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