I told my kids I hated them. *more info added...again*
First of all, this is a profile I made just now because I am embarrassed of myself. I want to get help and not act this way anymore. I don't want anyone to know who I really am because 1) I'm extremely embarrassed and 2) I don't want to get into any trouble for my actions (if I can?).
Ok...here's the story.
There are lots of times I feel like I can't handle my situation. I am 23 years old and have 3 kids (3, 2, and an infant). I work part time and attend college full time. My youngest child (the infant) has some minor health problems, but goes to see his doctors a lot. I am beyond busy and beyond stressed. And it's starting to effect my parenting abilities. Yesterday, I yelled at my 3 and 2 year old and I told them I hated them! It's bringing tears to my eyes right now just remembering what I said to them yesterday. Why would I do that?? I don't hate them. They are my life...what I live for, the reason I go to college (so I can provide the best life for them).
I grew up with my mom telling me similar things all through child hood. I don't want to be like her. I don't know how to stop it. I really, really try to do things differently than she did, but I'm obviously failing at being different from her. I was told growing up that she hated me, I made her fat, I ruined her life, etc, etc, etc. I really don't want to put my kids through the mental abuse I was put through. How do I stop it?? Can I even stop it?? Is it too late since I already started (by saying what I said yesterday)??
Not only did I tell them I hated them, but I told my DH that I never wanted them. And that I hated the fact that I was a mom from the moment I found out I was pregnant with my first. And the sad thing is...it's true, for the most part. I don't want kids. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with 3 of them. I never wanted kids. All growing up I told everyone I didn't want kids. And here I sit- with 3 of them. I try to be the "perfect mom". I do everything I can to provide the best of everything for them. I breastfeed, I buy the best car seats, I birth naturally, I buy the best clothes, blah blah blah.
On the outside, I look like the perfect mom and housewife. But on the inside I am dying. *I* am gone. *I* no longer exist. I am now just this woman who takes care of kids and the house. I have no identity. I think I resent my kids. Only I don't know what to do to fix this issue. I don't want to resent them. I love them, I really do love them. But they make me so angry. Even though they aggravate me, I don't ever want to tell them I hate them again. I don't want to treat them the way I was treated. I REALLY, REALLY don't want to do that to them. It damaged me and I don't want to damage them.
What do I do now? What are your thoughts/suggestions??
PS...sorry this is long and messy. My thoughts aren't organized...never are anymore. Thanks.
OK- I need to explain one thing. It's not that I NEVER wanted kids. I just didn't want kids at 23...especially not 3 of them. My whole "life plan" was to get married around this age and THEN start thinking about kids and the whole nine yards. I love my kids. I'm glad they're here (for the most part), but I think I would be less stressed about everything if I had kids a little later in life.
For everyone who thinks I run around everyday telling my kids how much I hate them- YOU ARE WRONG!! I have NEVER said that besides this one time. I want to do everything in my power to keep it from happening again. I have been in counseling before and am more than willing to try it again. After many of you mentioned the possibility of PDD, I looked into it. Turns out it's not what I thought it was (sadness, the blues, etc...like regular depression). The only medical professional I have seen in the last 1-2 years is a midwife and ob/gyn. I will start by calling them since it's baby related- sort of. I'm hoping they can at least point me in the right direction. We are low-income since we're both in school so I don't have the best insurance (just Medicaid). I'm not sure if they even cover mental health. The mental abuse I suffered as a kid is not my "excuse" for behaving this way. It's probably one of the many contributing factors to my actions, but definitely not the only one. I came here for support- not to be bashed. I know what I did was wrong, very wrong. I HATE myself for it and I don't need any of you telling me I'm a horrible mother. I was a horrible mother at that moment, but I think overall I do a hell of a job.
i think that you should sist your 3 and 2 yr olds down and explain to them that what you said yesterday was wrong and apologize and tell them taht you love them and that it wont happen again... i also think that counseling would be great... it can help you get over the mental abuse from your mom... you should also calmly talk to your hubby about how your feeling and mabye you can have 1 day a week or even a few hours that is just you time.. no kids or anything so that you can relax and have me time... good luck to you and relieze that no one is a perfect parent.. its a learning process
Aww honey all of us have those moments when we want to jump off a bridge( well I have had a few)That alone doesn't make you a bad mommy.You do sound like you need help though.I think you should find a counselor to talk too.That way you can get out all of those feelings and not direct them towards your Dh or kids.You need to find a balance in your life where you can be happy.If you are not happy then its gonna be hard on you and your family.I know you feel horrible about what you said.Your kids are young enough now where they will never remember.Just find a therapist to talk to.Who knows just talking about you feelings and getting it all out maybe all you need.I hope everything gets better for you.Good luck!!
I'm so sorry you're going through this :( That must be awful. There are times when I've said some things to my son that I haven't been super proud of. Thankfully he was young enough not to understand me, but that doesn't make it right. It sounds to me like you have no time for you...and that's why you lost you. Do you get any help? 3 kids under 3 is A LOT!!! I can't even imagine.
Do you have family around that can help pitch in? Or can DH help you out more? I'm thinking at least one day or night a week needs to be set aside for you...just you. Go to a movie, go get a cup of coffee...something.
Or even see if you can talk to a counselor. You may be having a little PPD (since you said you do have an infant). Maybe that would help so you knew you weren't alone. I think its really important that you recognize what you did & how its like what your mom did to you. That's a huge step! If you recognize it & admit it, you can fix it. Good luck honey...deep breaths!
I would like you to know that you're not alone. At times most mothers feel that they have lost part of their identity to their children, house, husband, etc. Unfortunately most of us snap and say something to our kids we wish we hadn't. You have a big load, so young. Your children are so close in age, that makes it tough. Maybe you should consider putting your school off, until at least one of them is school age? It might make it easier. Don't be afraid to get professional help. It might improve, the quality of you and your kids lives.
ok I honestly couldn't read it all... not because I didn't want to but because I am about to walk into a meeting... All I can say is when you feel yourself getting full of pressure WALK AWAY. give yourself a few moments to gather your bearings to re group and re approach the situation. What you did is wrong.. I know you didn't come here to be scolded so I won't. But you know it was wrong. Telling a child you hate them, that;'s devastating. Hug them tell them you love them and that you said something you should have NEVER said... remind them how great they are and tell them YOU LOVE THEM... Always take yourself out of the situation when you feel yourself getting upset dear...
The only thing that you can do is reach out for help. Get some counseling. Talk to someone about it. Really, we all get lost to some extent when we become a mom. I guess I don't understand why you would have children when you never wanted them. Perhaps the image that is painted for us of what the perfect life is "supposed" to be, husband, kids, white picket fence. Really, I don't think you will be like your mom because you are acknowledging that your behavior is wrong. You aren't pointing your finger at others and blaming them but taking responsibility for how you are acting. Now all you need to do is get help before it gets worse. You have them now. You love them whether you wanted them or not. Some people are not meant to be parents. All you can do is the best you can. You are right that they should not suffer for your choices. Choose not to be your mother. Only you can prevent it. Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. Just do what needs to be done because the feelings won't go away without dealing with them.
Thank you. I have talked to him about things in the past (this isn't the first time I've lost it...just the first time I told them I hated them). Anyway, he always says I can have "me" time, but he uses all the extra time we have for himself. I try to talk to him about that too but he says he deserves it...which he does, but I deserve some, too! He just doesn't get it.
Quoting Monica208:i think that you should sist your 3 and 2 yr olds down and explain to them that what you said yesterday was wrong and apologize and tell them taht you love them and that it wont happen again... i also think that counseling would be great... it can help you get over the mental abuse from your mom... you should also calmly talk to your hubby about how your feeling and mabye you can have 1 day a week or even a few hours that is just you time.. no kids or anything so that you can relax and have me time... good luck to you and relieze that no one is a perfect parent.. its a learning process
Get to the doctor very soon ...you are depressed and are having ppd symptoms . I promise once you are medicated everything will be so much better .
CafeMom Featured Groups! Which groups do you recommend?
How much money do you have?
- NeedingAdvice23
on Mar. 16, 2010 at 8:34 AM