Having a bad day? Maybe this will cheer you up :) (Not meant for little eyes or ears)
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A young man walks into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," the customer replies, "I've been seeing this girl for a while, and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the night'. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves, excited.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer and continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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Carl and Jenny had been married twenty years. Their anniversary came up, and Carl didn't do anything to acknowledge it all day. Jenny was infuriated and said "You forgot our anniversary, how could you?! When you come home form work tomorrow I want something that goes from zero to one hundred in less than ten seconds in that driveway, or you're things will be packed!"
Carl was thinking about it all night, and kept thinking about it after he left for work that day. When he got home, he went inside to his fuming wife to tell her what she wanted was waiting in the driveway for her. She was shocked and ran out as fast as she could to see a tiny box in the middle of the driveway. She opened it up - it was a scale.
Carl has been missing since last Friday.
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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' "
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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on Mar. 19, 2010 at 6:38 AM