Life changing decision coming, I dont know what to do! Military wives help me! (Or whoever)
okay so dh is 4 years in. 2 years left....we have already done 2 bases....and we had said that dh would re-enlist and probably retire from the military. Here lately we kinda want to go home. (me more than him) It just really bugs me that our kids are missing out on so much! Our son is in 1st grade and already been in 2 schools. (and he has a hard enough time making friends) We cant go to family dinners, and miss most holidays. My brother just got married and they are going to have kids. I want to be a good aunt, and want our kids to be able to play together. I have a 5 year old sister I see 2 times a year at best. Its really hard sometimes. But my biggest fear is he gets out and we are **cked! He has a criminal justice degree, and could be a cop......but I wonder how much of a pay drop we will take? If we are home I could go back to school MUCH easier than I could here. Finding childcare would be easy and free.............How do you make this choice? What would you do?
There is no easy answer. I have been on both sides. There are a lot of down falls to getting out of the military.
No or barely insurance, usually pay cut- well, all the money involved.
No longer a military wife- this depends on how involved you are in on post living or community.
I understand completely where you are coming from. My now 7 yr old daughter missed her first 4 birthdays with dad due to deployements and change of stations. My now 3 yr old daddy missed her birth, saw her at 2 weeks then not again til she was 6 months old. With the 7 yr old her was there til she was 10 months old then hiot and miss til 4- they both missed out on that bonding and learning time. She has been to 4 schools and she is only in 1st grade. She started in public schools at age 3 with pre k so she is actually in her 3rd yr of school- we made her repeat kinder due to her emotional maturity. My family saw my youngest for a few moths then we moved to 2 different states and they did not see her again until she was almost 3. My sister in law had not even met her til then. I have lived on and off post.
One thing I will tell you is my X husband had 10 yrs in the Navy then got out and we met then her joined the reserves then active Army- it was very very hard on him without the structure, finding a decent job, and the usual bs that goes with civilian jobs. He was out for less than a year before he went back.
Have you thought about living apart? We did this and yes it was part of the break up- no cheating or anything, he has PTSD and we grew apart, but I had my job- taking care of the family and establishing a home and he had his- The Army It worked for us til his last deployement when he came home very angry at the world. If you want to talk more. claytoriv@yahoo.com
we have never lived on base.....only off. Yes he makes okay money, but really.....we never have any left.we live in Florida and its crazy expensive (compared to what we are used to) its realllllllllllly frustrating!
While I cannot help you make this decision, let me say this. My dad was in the Navy for 21 years, so he receives retirement pay (but since he and my mom were married for so long, she gets half). When he got out, they divorced, so he had to get a new house. He got his house and had to keep 2 jobs just to keep paying for his house. Then he had to get a 3rd job to help pay the house and credit cards. When he quit 1 job (a weekend pizza delivery job), he fell behind on payments. They repo'd his car and put a foreclosure sign in front of the house, and he filed for bankruptcy. Now, a few years later, he is finally catching up on payments. Had he and my mom been together, and she had gotten a job, he probably wouldnt have fallen into such debt. Has your DH considered staying in until retirement?
I think you really need to evaluate what you want for your family. Money isn't everything when it comes to being together. I would rather struggle and be together every day than have to risk my kids not seeing their dad for a year. Or my not seeing my husband for a year. To me being together is the most important thing. I was military and made a choice to get out after I got pregnant. Deployment and leaving my family wasn't what I wanted. I am not saying that is for everyone but I only have 18 years with my kids as children. I don't want to miss anything.
I completely understand your position.
There's a lot of security that comes with living in the military and I've been really thankful for it...but the pitfalls are pretty big. Husband is navy so there are only a handful of bases we can be on, but most of our family lives on the west coast (mine is in WA, his is in the Bay Area, CA, currently he is doing shore duty in San Diego)...if we find out we have to go to CT or VA next, it would be devestating for me.
I think maybe you and your DH should really sit and make a pro/con list...and if you can live with the cons, then so be it...but if you both can't, then you should try and make other arrangements. It already sounds like he would have a head start since he has a degree and his experience.
this is your moment of truth. you either have to do it or tell him to get out, but stand behind your decision. i was an air force brat, i know how hard it is bouncing from school to school...and i won't lie, it was hard. and i still don't know my cousins that well.
but now as a marine wife, i love this lifestyle and wouldn't trade it for the world. its not a hard choice to make for me, especially since i have life experience to help my kids when it gets hard.
My husband is in a scholarship program (STA-21) to go officer, and will be commissioned soon. He is planning to retire, but with him being an officer we will be able to afford to visit home a lot more than we do now. Is your DH enlisted, and has he considered going officer? I don't know if that would be an option for you guys, but my DH is really happy with his choice, and I am excited too. I lived in the same place for 18 years, and I enjoy the traveling now though.
He HAD (as well as I) wanted/thought he would stay in, and retire. But lately its more us wanting to be with our family! Every time someone is having a cookout, or party.....we feel like $h!t because we cant just make a dish and go.......lol. We cant do anything. We live 12 hours away..........and it sucks. We have not delt with any deployments yet....(thank god) because dh's job does not really call for it. But we miss "home" and so do our kids, and everyone else in our family misses us and our kids. It sucks. Like I said too, dh has a criminal justice degree, all he has to do is B.L.E.T. I want a career, not a job....and here its almost impossible to go back to school. We do not have daycare, nor can we afford daycare for me to go to school. It would be easy as pie at home........its just frustrating! My grandpa has a fully finished basement (with a shower, and could put in a small kitchen) he says we can stay down there (it has bedrooms also) until we have enough money to buy/build a house. (my family also has TONS of land) Normally I would say HELL no to moving in with a family member, but my grandma died 2 years ago, and my grandpa is SUPER lonely, and needs some help around the house. so idk..........its really hard.
Quoting Schleetle:
My husband is in a scholarship program (STA-21) to go officer, and will be commissioned soon. He is planning to retire, but with him being an officer we will be able to afford to visit home a lot more than we do now. Is your DH enlisted, and has he considered going officer? I don't know if that would be an option for you guys, but my DH is really happy with his choice, and I am excited too. I lived in the same place for 18 years, and I enjoy the traveling now though.
If he could do that, he WOULD stay in. but isnt that hard to get into when they have dependants? he scored REALLY high when he took the asvab. He got stuck in a crappy job because he has no depth perception............(stupid)
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on Mar. 21, 2010 at 12:07 PM