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So confussed and scared, don't know what to do. Some bad lang.

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 1:53 PM
  • 5 Replies

I don't  even know where to begin. It is just so overwhelming.

My husband and I are most likely going to split. He took a job on the other side of the state, and has decided that it is where he wants to be. Made the decision on his own. I am a SAHM, and a student. I didn't ever want to move back to the eastern side of the state. But I do understand he is the one with the income. He wants, expects, even demands that we (the kids and  I) move. I don't want to live over there, without our support network of family and friends that we have over here. My son doesn't want to go either. He is going to be in 6th grade next year. He is adamant that he wants to be here.

But really what it boils down to is I don't like the way my husband treats me. He insists that it would be different over there because he is happy there, but I need to see if be different BEFORE I move all the way over there. I am tired of being the doormat. If he is pissed off at anyone, his boss,  a co-worker, or the jerk who cut him off on the freeway, I am the one he comes home to yell at. I don't want to be the "psycho bitch" anymore when I get upset about something that he thinks is stupid. If it matters to me, it should matter! And the times he has gotten drunk and I have pissed him off he has called me much worse, cunt, slut, whore. He doesn't remember saying those things, but I do. And I am not possitive, but I think my son may have overheard a couple of those.

I was talking to him yesterday on the phone. He thinks I am lying to him about everything. He thinks I am hiding money from him (since I am the one who pays all the bills). He wants to change everything over to a different bank, that I don't have any access to, and send me a monthly amount. I told him that right now that didn't make any sense b/c almost all of the bills are to things over here, the car loans are through my bank over here, the doctors bills, etc. I said that until we had a chance to sit down and look at things that it would leave me in a major pickle to have everything switch to his name right now, especially if he wouldn't tell me how much he was thinking he would give me from each check. He said ' well tough shit, I have to look out for myself" I was so shocked! I have the kids with me! I need to be in charge of the checkbook until we can sit down and figure the bills out! I mean, for Pete's sake, I ended up have to do $153 in Rx's for the kids last week. I would not have been able to do that if I didn't have the checkbook.

I am just so scared. I am totally financially and medically dependent on him. He told me tough shit about that too.  I won't be able to get on state insurance either, since there is a wait list forever long. After much debate yesterday, I convinced him to hold off on all of this switching around of everything. He promised he would, but I am so afraid that he will change his mind. I mean, crap, how will I pay for the bills in MY name? He is not the bio father of my son, and I can't collect child support on my son from him. He is the bio father of my daughter, so I know I will get child support for her. But I don't know about spousal support. We have been together 9 years, married almost 7. I don't think I will qualify for the spousal support, or if I do, it won't be for long. And besides that he is freaking PISSED that he might have to pay that. I know that anger is how he copes with his feelings, but I really am worried.How am I going to take care of my kids, and take care of myself FOR my kids? I just don't know how I am going to do it!

Thanks for reading my rant. I just needed to get it out there, hopefully it will help me be able to consentrate on my homework.

by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 1:53 PM
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Replies (1-5):
mommyyokes
by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 1:58 PM

hugs

Daytripn
by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 2:00 PM

 It sounds like he already plans to leave you. Or at least make sure he has total control. Don't waste time, you need to file for a legal separetion asap to protect yourself and have a court ordered allowance before you get sruck with all the bills and no income. Then you can see if there is a marriage to save. I know this sounds extreme, but so is being homeless, broke, or watch your stuff going to collections..

CassSpade
by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 2:14 PM

 That sucks girl, and you might not even want to hear this, but you are lucky he's agreeing to send you anything. Many of us Mama's lived with ZERO help from our children's fathers. Not that it helps you any, I'm just sayin, it can be done and you will be okay.

Just relax, sort out the best you can an approximate amount you will need to cover all the bills. You have 2 kids? I'm sure you can live off 200$ a month for groceries if you use coupons. And you may have to take a part time job if it's not going to be more expensive to have daycare. Keep in mind he's trying to take care of himself too, so find a rough estimate of what living costs will be for him and try to even it all out. You might have to turn off cable, and cut out some classes next semester. Apply for financial aid through the school and live off of that as well.

You will figure it out, it sounds like you have a close group of family and friends, you won't be homeless.

MamaElfie
by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 2:31 PM


Quoting CassSpade:

 That sucks girl, and you might not even want to hear this, but you are lucky he's agreeing to send you anything. Many of us Mama's lived with ZERO help from our children's fathers. Not that it helps you any, I'm just sayin, it can be done and you will be okay.

Just relax, sort out the best you can an approximate amount you will need to cover all the bills. You have 2 kids? I'm sure you can live off 200$ a month for groceries if you use coupons. And you may have to take a part time job if it's not going to be more expensive to have daycare. Keep in mind he's trying to take care of himself too, so find a rough estimate of what living costs will be for him and try to even it all out. You might have to turn off cable, and cut out some classes next semester. Apply for financial aid through the school and live off of that as well.

You will figure it out, it sounds like you have a close group of family and friends, you won't be homeless.

I do know that it is possible. I went through this with my ex, my son's bio dad. And I know I won't go homeless, I have an amazing family, and amazing friends. I actually live my mom and my kids. I know that there is help out there. I am trying to find a part time job, and looking at online classes for fall quarter so I can stay in school and work. My main goal is to still be available for me kids as much as possible.

I know my husband is just trying to take care of himself, I just don't understand why he is being such an ass about it. I mean he brings in about $2500 a month, and we pay out about $2350. The main checking account is where the bills are paid from, and that is the check book I have. We have an attached checking account, which I transfer money into every payday. My husband uses that one to get the things he needs. He is working at a job that comes with a house. That payment is taken out of his check before we even see it. His front door is maybe 30 ft from the office. So he doesn't have to drive much. I transfer $220-$300 into his account every paycheck (he gets paid twice a month). After bills and what not, the kids and I use maybe $200 for groceries and such. I try to set some aside for fun stuff, going to the movies (which we don't do often) or even renting movies, stuff like that.  I find it incredible that he is not able to manage the amount his is in control of, but the bills get paid, and 2 kids and I are able to get by on a lesser amount. And he wants me to turn it all over to him?! When he has the income, but I have the credit score, and almost everything is in my name?! I think not.

You know, I had offered to come visit on weekends we had off, and during the summer, get to know the area, so it wouldn't be a "cold turkey" move like it was the first time we moved to that side of the state. But is not willing to comprimise. He flat out said that it was either move over this summer or get divoriced.

MamaElfie
by on Apr. 20, 2010 at 1:41 AM


Quoting Daytripn:

 It sounds like he already plans to leave you. Or at least make sure he has total control. Don't waste time, you need to file for a legal separetion asap to protect yourself and have a court ordered allowance before you get sruck with all the bills and no income. Then you can see if there is a marriage to save. I know this sounds extreme, but so is being homeless, broke, or watch your stuff going to collections..

That is a good idea. I will have to look into all that. I didn't even think about doing something like that. I am just most worried about making sure my kids are taken care of. But part of that is making sure that I am taken care of in certain ways too. I need to figure out part time jobs, and I need to see what my options are for insurance. That is what worries me the most. Lack of insurance.

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