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How would you feel/what would you do (kinda long)?

Posted by on May. 24, 2010 at 1:01 PM
  • 22 Replies

 Ok so I've been sorta seeing this guy for some time now.  He's in the middle of a messy divorce so we havent consummated anything yet.  But I've considered him "mine" for over a year now, and him me.  Its getting closer to the divorce finalizing, so we've been discussing living arrangement/marriage, etc.  I try not to bug him about it often because i know the divorce has him stressed, so the last time we talked about specifics it was about 3 months ago.  At that time, the plan was to sell his house and move in with me until mine sold, then buy a house that is a little bigger but not like his old house (its this huge mansion and i dont need that much space, but mine is a little small for a whole family).  He was going to keep the vacation home and then the rest they were splitting up (including any profit on the home).  He also indicated (and I indicated it was my preference) to not work.  I've been a single mom forever and he said that he wanted me to be able to "stay home with the kids and take care of them and him."  A few times since then I've just asked if we are still "on track" and every time he has indicated we are.

So fast forward to yesterday.  I told him that I wanted to make sure things were still going as planned.  He got very vague (and then when I got to thinking about it, he's always been a little vague) so I pressed for details.  Now things have completely changed.  He's selling the house AND the vacation home (and he knew how important keeping the vacation place was to me...its not fancy...just a nice getaway).  Now he's saying I'll need to work indefinitely.  But he is very traditional so I know he'll still be expecting me to have dinner on the table and all the chores done while he's pulling 60 hour work weeks.  I feel like he misled me, because how did he not know about any of this 3 months ago when he was giving me a completely different story. 

I love him, but I feel a bit used and misled.  He says he wants to take care of me, but I think he really wants me to take care of him.  Would you feel lied to?


by on May. 24, 2010 at 1:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
littleluvkitty
by Platinum Member on May. 24, 2010 at 1:05 PM

i would feel lied to but i think that you really should work. and keep your accounts seperate. that way if things go sour you will have your own way to get out of things. you really never know. good luck.

2gud2btrue
by on May. 24, 2010 at 1:55 PM

 i work now and dont have a problem doing so.  however, once we are living together, he's made it pretty clear he would expect me to take care of the daily household chores.  so basically IMO i'd be taking on my responsibility and dont feel i could accomplish it all and work.  he knew my views on working after marriage long before this and was fine with it...now he's not.  that's what has me pissed.

Quoting littleluvkitty:

i would feel lied to but i think that you really should work. and keep your accounts seperate. that way if things go sour you will have your own way to get out of things. you really never know. good luck.

 


activitymode
by on May. 24, 2010 at 1:56 PM

Hmmmm maybe there is a good reason he is getting divorced??

Summer0216
by on May. 24, 2010 at 2:00 PM

selling his vacation home may be a condition of his divorce. It isn't always a choice. Other then that, yeah I guess I'd be upset, but in a way it doesn't seem like you guys are as serious as you seem to think. I'd let him know you need him to be upfront about his expectations of you and your relationship before it goes any further.

MOMby19
by on May. 24, 2010 at 2:04 PM


Quoting 2gud2btrue:

 i work now and dont have a problem doing so.  however, once we are living together, he's made it pretty clear he would expect me to take care of the daily household chores.  so basically IMO i'd be taking on my responsibility and dont feel i could accomplish it all and work.  he knew my views on working after marriage long before this and was fine with it...now he's not.  that's what has me pissed.

Quoting littleluvkitty:

i would feel lied to but i think that you really should work. and keep your accounts seperate. that way if things go sour you will have your own way to get out of things. you really never know. good luck.

 

honestly, i would tell him that you would like to continue the relationship, but if he expects you to be a housewife AND work then living together isn't going to work out. and that perhaps he should find his own living arrangement before his house sells.

De_Chick
by on May. 24, 2010 at 2:05 PM

Maybe he has learned that he isn't going to have everything his way as he though per the divorce settlement. It might not be realisitic for you to be a sahm now that it is getting closer to the time his divorce is final. Maybe he has to pay more child support/and/or/alimony than he thought etc. Ask him what has changed along the way and see what he says. I can't imagine personally getting THIS involved with a man who is not yet legally divorced and would wonder if now he might be seeing this as a rebound affair more than the great love of his life.

LeelansMom
by on May. 24, 2010 at 2:08 PM

Divorces never go as planned... or so i hear... and i imagine things are very stressfull for your partner right now. Just give him time and space. All you need to know right now is he loves you and is there for you.  Then the right time may come again to discuss the future. I hope thats soon :)

2gud2btrue
by on May. 24, 2010 at 2:09 PM

 there are no conditions at this point.  they are trying to work out the financial arrangements before they file and then just enter the judgment.  i've already let him know in the past that i understand due to our age difference that he may see things a bit more traditionally than i do (as far as the "mans in charge of the money, womans in charge of home" mentality).  but at this point i'm done and ready to end this.  i just wanted to see if anyone out there thought i was crazy.  i've been accused in the past by friends of "jumping ship" whenever things get complicated.  but to me this isn't just a complication...i feel like he doesnt respect me enough to let me know plans he is making that affect my life just as much as his.

Quoting Summer0216:

selling his vacation home may be a condition of his divorce. It isn't always a choice. Other then that, yeah I guess I'd be upset, but in a way it doesn't seem like you guys are as serious as you seem to think. I'd let him know you need him to be upfront about his expectations of you and your relationship before it goes any further.

 


kgsharber
by Gold Member on May. 24, 2010 at 2:13 PM

 It's not too late to get out yet. I don't often use the whole "leave him" card, but he decieving you into a future you are not 100% on board with. He sounds selfish, and do you really want to spend the rest of your life following his plans? I would at a minimum call him out and get all the details worked out before you take any further steps in this relationship.

2gud2btrue
by on May. 24, 2010 at 2:14 PM

 they've been separated for 2 years before i came into the picture, so i would hope i'm not the rebound girl.  but at this point i dont really think it matters.

Quoting De_Chick:

Maybe he has learned that he isn't going to have everything his way as he though per the divorce settlement. It might not be realisitic for you to be a sahm now that it is getting closer to the time his divorce is final. Maybe he has to pay more child support/and/or/alimony than he thought etc. Ask him what has changed along the way and see what he says. I can't imagine personally getting THIS involved with a man who is not yet legally divorced and would wonder if now he might be seeing this as a rebound affair more than the great love of his life.

 


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