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I am in need of some serious advice.

Posted by on May. 26, 2010 at 11:56 AM
  • 25 Replies

About 5 years ago I decided I wanted a baby. Being single, young, and uneducated I decided to enroll at a university and earn a degree first. So, I'd have a good job for the child. My motivation in almost everything I've done for the past 5 years was to provide that child (yes, the one I haven't had yet) with the best life I could give him/her.

Somehow along the way I met a man and have developed a very close, very loving, relationship with him. We've been together for a couple of years now and are in the process of buying a house together. This man, I should add, has two children. And I love them with all of my heart. They're beautiful, wonderful, amazing children who brighten my every day (even when they're finding it a challenge to be good).

I have never made it a secret that I have 2 deal-breakers in our relationship. 1. You don't get me without my dog. (Whose breed I researched for over a year, to make sure she'd be a good kid-friendly dog and would be good with my future child).  And 2. I want a baby.

Well he's always said that he'd be happy to have a little one once we're married. Which, I agreed with fully. I wanted to be married for a year before we had a baby. Not only because I think it's healthy for the family, but because I want his kids to have ample time to adjust to the idea of their family changing.

BUT recently he's made it clear on more than one occasion (and I think by accident) that he thinks another child would be a "really bad idea."  When I ask him he says "we might have a little one of our own some day" or "you'd make a wonderful mom, and I think you should have a kid some day." 

However, the comments don't stop. And the fear I see in his eyes when I'm a day late. Or, when I talk about my own kid some day is undeniable.

So, what do I do?  I'm not one for issuing ultimatums. I mean, that's not fair.  I feel like even considering splitting up isn't right because I love him and I feel as though I should put him (and the kids) first in my every decision. So, choosing this baby I don't even have over them wouldn't be right.  But I love this child so very much.  No, I'm not even pregnant yet.  But I've wanted him/her for so long, and loved him/her so long...

So, what do I do? What do I choose?  I know I'll be happy with him. I know I love his kids like my own, and would do anything for them.  But, should I let go of the baby I've always wanted?

Thanks.  Please be brutal. Give me whatever comments you have. And please, bring up any points you think I might have missed. 

Thanks again.

by on May. 26, 2010 at 11:56 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Joybeyondreason
by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:01 PM

It sounds to me like he doesn't want another child so if you still want one then that would be a deal breaker for me. Good luck.

mommy492006
by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:01 PM

if he knew you wanted one than shoot girl do it! you did everything in the correct order. you deserve it!

H_H_M
by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:04 PM

I would make him tell you exaclty what he wants.

If he does not want kids....you have some serious decisions to make, which I think you already have.  If you stay with him, you may not have kids.  If you leave him, you can pursue another man with the same goals and dreams you have.

notjstanothrmom
by Ruby Member on May. 26, 2010 at 12:05 PM

This is something that only time will be able to tell. Talk with your SO about it and see how he feels... like his real feelings.

Your heart will tell you what to do.

tilly030409
by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:08 PM

I agree with PP get him to tell you whether or not he does want a baby with you and then go from there. And keep in mind he has 2 kids and he has been thru the pregnancy part and the child raising part all their lives. He may be thinking of all the bad things associated with the pregnancy, mood swings, you being sick, etc., and that may be that unsure look in his eyes.

I honestly think it takes some men time to adapt to a new thing. He uderstood you wanted a kid when ya'll got together and he may have felt the same way at that time but people change so it would probably be your best bet to talk to him again and see if things have changed and maybe there was something that made him change his mind (not necessarily something that anyone did).

And kutos to you for getting you life straight before you have kids!!!! and keeping your unmade babies best interest at heart at all times!!!

ShadowRaven
by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:08 PM

I agree.

Quoting H_H_M:

I would make him tell you exaclty what he wants.

If he does not want kids....you have some serious decisions to make, which I think you already have.  If you stay with him, you may not have kids.  If you leave him, you can pursue another man with the same goals and dreams you have.


czchtaclo13
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2010 at 12:08 PM

Thats the kind of stuff that ends marriages. I think its good that you guys talk about this before hand. I know women who have a deep passion for being a mommy and you sounds like one of them. You both need to see eye to eye. I know he has kids and more might be crazy, but there has to be a firm decision or it starts messing with you and the relationship. He knew that you wanted this badly so it cant be one day you want another kid..then the next day you dont. Gooood Luck!

clhelms
by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:12 PM

Well this one is actually quite simple.  Y'all are obviously not on the same page here and even if you do love him and can see yourself being with him forever, you will always resent him if you let him talk you out of a child of your own which will undeniably damage your relationship.  My advice sit down and get his real feelings about the situation and if he doesn't want anymore kids you need to cut and run and find someone who does share this want. 

Kriissii
by on May. 26, 2010 at 12:15 PM

He knew that you wanted children.  I think it is unfair for him to expect you to give that up. He has children and you are there to take care of them...have you explained to him all the preparations you have made so that you could some day bring your own child into this world.

littleluvkitty
by Platinum Member on May. 26, 2010 at 12:15 PM

stick to your guns love. you want a child he agreed so you should have your child.

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