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Don't bash me for these contents, I'm pretty sure I know already...Edited, when he gets home I'm going to tell him

Posted by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:44 AM
  • 97 Replies

 

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Question: After reading the post...would YOU PERSONALLY stay if you were me?

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Fuck No

Yes.


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Total Votes: 171

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I think I'm done with it. I have tried to tell him (dh) I need help with our kids. And he'll maybe change 1 diaper or something and think I should be grateful. I tell him I want him to help me clean, and he outright says no or ignores me. I tell him I want to get a job. He doesn't want to let me. Yes, I say "let" me. As in, I'm not allowed to. He is unmotivated and I can't keep living like this. He doesn't want me working because they will cut our food stamps. We have only 1 vehicle and he has it all day and I don't drive. BUT, I just found out McDonalds is taking applications and my mom said if I got on there, she would drive me to and from. So I told him I want to apply anyway and I'm going to. I also would like to go back to school to study radiology because they seem to always be looking for x-ray and ultrasound techs around here. He doesn't want me to do that either. It will take me *I think* 3 years, but once I'm done, I know they make good money. Around here it's anywhere between $20-$30/hour. I want better for our kids. My husband would actually rather us to continue to live paycheck to paycheck and just stay on public aid forever. I don't WANT that. And I don't WANT to stay in a marriage I feel is a joke. He doesn't want me to work because he doesn't trust me. He would rather I be a SAHM which we can't afford so he can keep tabs on me and so I have no other options. He says he loves me and our boys. Can you really love someone and yet not want what's best for them?

I feel like an idiot for not leaving. And I'm about ready to. I'm tired of having to defend him to people when they ask me why I stay with a man who hardly helps with the kids or house or who hardly wants to do things as a family, especially when I know they are right. And before I get asked, he was not like this our whole marriage. If he was I wouldn't have had our 3rd son with him. As it is, we are BOTH sterilized to prevent any future pregnancies. And we weren't always on PA. It's been about 3 years we've been on it. And I want to get off it and make something of myself, of my kids. So...do you think it's time I start caring about MY feelings and forget about his? I'm tired of going crazy and doing everything alone and settling for less because I don't want to hurt or offend him.

Last question. If your husband/SO responded to you asking why they never call home if they are going to be late, even after you ask them to with "unless we have something we have to do, I shouldn't have to call you to let you know anything. It feels like you're my mother" would you be offended? He more or less implied I should be okay with him coming home 2/3/4 hours after he gets off work without him letting me know.


Edited: I think I'm going to tell him later today that I can't take this anymore. I've been crying all morning while thinking over this because I know he won't change. I'm not sure he even wants to try. I've actually moved out on him with the kids 2 times and both times it was like we never existed. Then when he thinks someone else is moving in on "his family" he gets defensive and wants us back. But once he has us, he goes right back to square one. I'm miserable. I try and try to make him happy, so much so that I'm emotionally exhausted. He plays mind games and manipulates me. And each time, I fall into it. You know last time I left, my husband told me if he couldn't be with me he'd kill himself. And that it would be my fault and I'd have to explain to the boys he did it because of me. He wanted to leave our little boys to get back at me. And all these things go through my head when I think of our relationship. All the promises he makes to me that he forgets or goes back on. I just can't do it anymore. I think tonight I'm going to tell him I'm done. I'm tired of being the only one trying. I'm so sad right now. Wish me luck. I know by the time we're done talking he's going to have me wishing I was dead and feeling like I'm the guilty party.

by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:44 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ddhb2007
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:49 AM
I can understand why you feel the way you do. Ultimately, you are the only one who can make that decision. It sounds like you have a plan to change your life around, and I think it sounds like a pretty good one.
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love_my_family
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:49 AM

I would stay and get counseling.  Why doesn't he trust you?  Is there a legitmate reason.  I have learned in most cases, it is six in one and half a dozen in the other.  There are two sides to every story.  While I am not saying he is right, I am saying have you asked why he feels this way?

mbaker331
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:50 AM

my hubby would never treat me that way and if he did he would expect me to leave.  even when he will just be an hour late he calls i don't have to ask him he just does it.

anetrnlov
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:50 AM

He has no respect for you, your marriage or his family.  He may love his children but he doesn't care what is best for them....he sounds like an over-grown spoiled brat.


sati769leigh
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:50 AM

OK totally feel you momma and what a sucky situation for you. Is he depressed? you said he was not always like this? did something happen? a major change that soon after he started this behaviour? and if he also has a low self esteem that would explain why he doesnt want you working or improving yourself, you would be "better" than him. Hubby had some issues when he lost his employment wiht the navy base. became a bit more controlling, a lot more lazy, stopped wanting to do things that would have improved our situation. specialy if it was me that was going to be enriched per say. but after a while and some marriage counceling he realized he had depression and started seeing a therapist and taking some mild meds. he is a completely differnt man today.

isra1986
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:51 AM

If he isn't willing to change and respect you, I would leave!
Leave, go to school, make a better life for your children!

I am not Palestinian (although I married into the culture). I am human. I
believe in human rights for everyone. Some people may think that this
is not "our" fight, but it is to me, because no matter their religion or cultural background, they are our brothers and sisters in humanity.  I will protest right along side everyone in Palestine. I may not be able to change the world, but I can
die trying.

heidi37217
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:51 AM

Wait so it's okay for him to act like your father but not okay for you to act like his mother. Men!! UGH!!! I personally would get a job and go back to school regardless of how he felt.

judybant
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:52 AM

 In a healthy relationship, even one where the wife is a "submissive" wife, decisions are discussed, and you do what's best for all involved. A job where you can make 20 to 30 dollars an hour, and get off of public assistance should be ENCOURAGED, especially since you ARE getting PA, you'll get full grants to go to school!

I couldn't stand being with a man with no dreams or aspirations for better. It's one thing to be stuck where you are, with no visible way out, but still WANTING out, and another to want to stay where you are stuck. SIgn up for classes, get that job at McDonald's, but watch for physical abuse. Seriously. He may have not done anything like that in the past, but he shows all the signs of someone who might start, if you decided to go against his wishes. Start making arrangements now, for what you'll do if that does happen.

joates76
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:54 AM

This.

Quoting ddhb2007:

I can understand why you feel the way you do. Ultimately, you are the only one who can make that decision. It sounds like you have a plan to change your life around, and I think it sounds like a pretty good one.


mommas3cubs
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:54 AM


Quoting anetrnlov:

He has no respect for you, your marriage or his family.  He may love his children but he doesn't care what is best for them....he sounds like an over-grown spoiled brat.


This.


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