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So much is going wrong in my life (long)

Posted by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:34 PM
  • 17 Replies

I'm so confused and hurt right now. There are so many things going on that i have no control over. First, i'm on a "break" with my "boyfriend". It's all very complicated but the jiff of it is that i love him very much. He loves me but we want differnt things i think. In May, he asked to go on a break. I was very upset about it but i agreed. It some ways it has been good for us. But in others it just hasn't. For 2 weeks it seemed like a real break. We talked to eachother sometimes but we didn't see eachother. It was really hard. But then he told me he missed me and it was harder then he thought it was going to be. So we started seeing eachother more regualry..now it just seems like we're back in our "relationship" but not. In the bedroom its good. But its the only time i ever feel a connection with him. When we're with friends or in public it just feels...weird. 

Last weekend i went to the northern california pirate festival with a bunch of friends including him. There was this one moment that really upset me. But of course, i didn't let it show. I had met up with him and some other friends. I saw him then hugged him. Then wanted a kiss. He leaned back smiling and joking we kissed but then let go of me and yelled "so, who else wants a kiss??" and so i said (still in good humor) "i don't think so!" and then said something like you can't control who i kiss and don't. He was kind of drunk, so i think that was part of it but it really upset me.

I have this sinking feeling that we're not going to end up together. I can't even describe how much i love this man. He has put me through a lot of crap..but we've been friends for over 10 years and we've been dating for almost 2. That has to count for something right?

My love life isn't the only thing that is getting me down. My best friend and i aren't talking right now. She said some really hurtful things to me that made me think that she thinks about me in a way that i never thought she would. We haven't talked in like 2 weeks. We would usually talk every day. I don't have anyone to talk to about anything anymore. I don't really have many friends. I hang out with *his* friends mostly. Which are all guys..and i'm sure as hell not talking about my problems with them. I like them all and everything i'm just not about to do that. I have my brother's gf, we're good friends..but i can never get a hold of her and she never wants to hang out. I feel like i'm so alone right now.

Also my best friends dad died earlier this month. I just went to his "celebration of life" memorial yesterday. He was like a second father to me so his passing has been very upsetting to me. I ended up getting in front of everyone and saying some things about him..memories and such. I had to force myself not to cry.

what could go wrong you ask? my living situation. I've been living with my parents for 14 months now. I HATE it. I'm greatful to them for putting a roof over me and my daughter's head..and its a good place for Lyvia since she has a lot of people giving her love and attention..but i really hate it here. I get into fights with my mom all the time. I've never been good enough for her..ever.

Now that my little brother is coming back home they want to move me and my daughter around. Oh, and did i mention that the first time i moved back home they made me live in the TRAILOR? But not my little brother..oh no..not golden boy. They want to move my daughter into my room and make me convert the damn downstairs living room into my bedroom. i would have no privacy at all because everyone goes down there to get to the laundry room that is in the garage. plus there is just no way that i could convert it into a bedroom! the only thing i could do would be to do is take out the couch and put my bed in there..but that would leave me little to no room for anything else. wtf do they think i'm gonna do, put my clothes in the garage? fuck that!

to some people, i can see that it might seem like i'm complaning about the room situation. I've had to deal with this for so long and i'm sick and tired of it. The reason i live with my parents is because of finacial reasons. I did have this awesome little 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment right in town. I loved it. I can't drive so it was perfect. I could get anywhere i wanted to. But living out here..it's off of a major hwy and kinda out in the boonies. I need a ride to everything. Sometimes i can't get Lyvia to her swim lessons because no one can give me a ride. I feel like a terrible mother when that happens.

soo..i've been looking at apartments and rooms for rent. I need out. The main thing is, is that i need to be in town. My dad is thinking about building another room..and that's just fine and dandy..if i had a car and was able to go places i would think that a great idea. But, its's the location! location location location!!

I guess i'm just ranting...but if anyone can give me any words of encourgment or even advice on anything it would be much appreciated. I just needed to vent via typing since i can't do it verbally to anyone. :-/


by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
bananahammock1
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:35 PM
Im sorry you feel bad.. Here is a big hug!!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
xXxLillithxXx
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:38 PM

 Well your life sounds as complicated as mine. I know the feeling though. As for the relationship thing if you have a feeling deep down things aren't going to work out then your probably right. I have ignored my feelings about things and only prolonged the pain in my life by doing so. Maybe its time to move on and wait for someone better.

Justine1123
by Justine on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:40 PM
I feel your pain and I'm sorry my mom treats me the same way feel free to contact me if you ever want my number to call or text we have somethings in common
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Willowjade
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:41 PM

Might I ask why you do not drive.?

As a single mother who wants to be independent.  You will not ever be able to be independent if you can not provide transportation for yourself and your child.

I understand trying to get into the city so that you have access to things.  But if I were you I would concentrate on getting transportation, so that you are not so limited.  It will make things much easier on you.

Willowjade
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:44 PM

And as far as the boyfriend.  If you are not feeling the relationship anywhere else besides the bedroom...then all you are feeling for him is lust.  You are not IN LOVE with him. 

You have been friends for a long time, so I am sure  as a person/friend you love him.  But as a life partner it is obvious that you are not in love with him...and from the sounds of it, he feels the same. 

I only say this because i was in a marriage for 10 years with a man who I loved as a person....and didn't want to hurt....but the day I realized I was not IN LOVE with him, is the day I earned my freedom to make my life what I wanted!

pyrateprincess
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:48 PM

I don't drive because i have petit-mal seizurs. It's against the law for me to drive. Believe me..if i didn't have this damn thing wrong in my brain i would be driving.

Quoting Willowjade:

Might I ask why you do not drive.?

As a single mother who wants to be independent.  You will not ever be able to be independent if you can not provide transportation for yourself and your child.

I understand trying to get into the city so that you have access to things.  But if I were you I would concentrate on getting transportation, so that you are not so limited.  It will make things much easier on you.



pyrateprincess
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:53 PM

You misunderstood. What i was trying to get as is, is that i don't feel it from HIM. I give a lot..i'm sure he's acting like this because we're on a break. the whole reason we're on a break is because the thought that i would be holding him back from things that he wanted to do for the summer. He feels bad when i'm alone and i don't have my daughter and he's busy doing other things..he wanted to go on a break to think about things..so idk. I'll be talking about it soon with him since it's almost july.

Quoting Willowjade:

And as far as the boyfriend.  If you are not feeling the relationship anywhere else besides the bedroom...then all you are feeling for him is lust.  You are not IN LOVE with him. 

You have been friends for a long time, so I am sure  as a person/friend you love him.  But as a life partner it is obvious that you are not in love with him...and from the sounds of it, he feels the same. 

I only say this because i was in a marriage for 10 years with a man who I loved as a person....and didn't want to hurt....but the day I realized I was not IN LOVE with him, is the day I earned my freedom to make my life what I wanted!



Willowjade
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:53 PM

Oh then you should check into your local human services department.  I know here, people with diagnoised disabilities and the elderly can schedule transportation. 

I wish I could remember what the program is called.  If I think of it I will let you know.

Quoting pyrateprincess:

I don't drive because i have petit-mal seizurs. It's against the law for me to drive. Believe me..if i didn't have this damn thing wrong in my brain i would be driving.

Quoting Willowjade:

Might I ask why you do not drive.?

As a single mother who wants to be independent.  You will not ever be able to be independent if you can not provide transportation for yourself and your child.

I understand trying to get into the city so that you have access to things.  But if I were you I would concentrate on getting transportation, so that you are not so limited.  It will make things much easier on you.



pyrateprincess
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:54 PM

I am about to add you right now. :) It would be nice to talk to someone who somewhat knows what i'm going through.

Quoting Justine1123:

I feel your pain and I'm sorry my mom treats me the same way feel free to contact me if you ever want my number to call or text we have somethings in common



pyrateprincess
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:57 PM

I'm with a place called the north bay regional center that can provide trasportation..except its with busses. I can get free bus passes every month but that doesn't help since the bus goes by my help maybe 4 or 5 times during the day on very odd hours. If i took the bus i'd have to take it hella early and would be in town stuck for hours to get home. -_-

Quoting Willowjade:

Oh then you should check into your local human services department.  I know here, people with diagnoised disabilities and the elderly can schedule transportation. 

I wish I could remember what the program is called.  If I think of it I will let you know.

Quoting pyrateprincess:

I don't drive because i have petit-mal seizurs. It's against the law for me to drive. Believe me..if i didn't have this damn thing wrong in my brain i would be driving.

Quoting Willowjade:

Might I ask why you do not drive.?

As a single mother who wants to be independent.  You will not ever be able to be independent if you can not provide transportation for yourself and your child.

I understand trying to get into the city so that you have access to things.  But if I were you I would concentrate on getting transportation, so that you are not so limited.  It will make things much easier on you.





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