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What if it's the ELDER being disrespectful? *email added page 7*UPDATE IN PINK*

Posted by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:52 PM
  • 89 Replies

Wow, I am a little surprised by how much great advice has been added since the last time I checked this post.  Thank you!  So let me answer some of the questions that have been asked by several of you while I give yall an update.

DH always takes my side.  Always.  But he is not around them nearly as much as I am.  He doesn't go to church and isn't involved in the day to day family activites like I am.  He is really only around on special occasions.  It's not like he's a jerk or anything, it's just that he travels for work and is gone a lot.  In the past, he has gone so far as to practically kick the door in and let them know that if anyone ever speaks to me in a disrespectful manner again, they can kiss us all goodbye, pretty much.  But they really don't pay him too much attention.  His opinion on this particular fight is that GMIL should bite me.  He has refused to let DD go over there at all this week, and wasn't even too keen on the idea of me taking the kids to church tonight since he knew they would all be there.  But things have been smoothed over, it seems.  I called GMIL today to pretend to be sorry.  I decided that I will definitely take the reins with my daughter whenever we are in public, but I don't need to make a public announcement that I am doing so.  I told my cousins, though.  But for the sake of ending the drama with GMIL, I just let her think that I wanted to make up.  She started balling as soon as she heard my voice and said that she was so sorry, and she didn't mean to upset me, she was only trying to help, blah blah blah.  Typical "poor me" stuff.  Anyways, by the time I got to church tonight, they were all hugging me and crying and saying how much they loved me and how happy they were with how I handled the situation.  I guess I'm a better actress than I give myself credit for!  LOL Anyways, DD will not be sitting with anyone but me in church from now on.  I plan to have other plans for lunch after church for the next few Sundays, so I can avoid an immediate confrontation.  During this time I will be working with Athena on respecting Mom in public.  Then when we rejoin them for lunch, hopefully Athena will have gotten it through her head that she is to sit next to me and listen only to me.

Thanks again for all of the advice, especially from those of you wonderful ladies who took my feelings about family into consideration!  You are wonderful and I thank God for your support!

I am at a loss.  I have this grandMIL that has been challenging me since the day my first child was born almost 3 1/2 years ago.  It started with snatching the bottle out of my hand because I "wasn't doing it right". That led to pushing me out of the way during bathtime because I "wasn't doing it right".  I had problems getting her dressed, introducing solids, choosing a car seat, teaching manners, potty training, you name it.  All because, you guessed it, I wasn't doing it right.  I'm sure it would seem like a simple solution would be to not be around her so much.  But my family is very, very close.  We go to church together, we watch the kids for each other, we are all friends and pretty much doing EVERYTHING together.  Well lately the grandMIL has been on a kick of turning my daughter back into a baby.  She puts pull-ups and diapers on her even though she's been fully potty trained for some time now.  She spoon feeds her her food.  She encourages baby talk babbling.  She even rocks her to sleep.  This has been going on for months.  I have tried to stay quiet about this, because every time in the past that I have tried to step in it turns into WWIII.  She is extremely dramatic, and will make up stories to the whole family about what is happening.  She will fake a fainting spell.  She will do whatever it takes to get attention and make whoever opposes her look like a villain.  This is how she has always been.  So today we went out to lunch after church like we always do.  We are at a big long table with the whole family.  My daughter is sitting directly across from me next to GMIL, who is of course spoon feeding her mushed up food.  My daughter is goo goo gaa gaa-ing and sticking her fingers in her food.  GMIL slaps a bib on her and continues mushing up her food and spooning it in.  I whispered to her a few times that I wish she'd stop that.  She ignored me.  Then I overhear the family at the next table having a whispered conversation about whether or not my daughter is retarded. 

"She doesn't LOOK retarded..."

"But she can't even talk or feed herself.  She's got to be at least 3 or 4 years old...."

"Well why isn't her mom feeding her then?"

You get the idea.  I am now humiliated.  Completely humiliated.  So I reached across the table and put my hand between GMIL and DD and said very quietly "That's enough.  This is embarrassing.".  She hollered at me "Oh why don't you just shut up and get over it!!"  The I said to her "Because I am her mother, and I would appreciate it if once in a while you would let me assume that roll!".

GMIL then storms out of the restaurant to sit in the car.  My cousin from the other end of the table asked me what was going on, and I just said never mind.  I didn't want to cause more of a scene than GMIL already had.  Said cousin then announces that she is going out to the car to check on GMIL.  My other cousin at that end of the table had actually been paying attention as this whole mess unfolded, and she was telling me "Don't worry, it's ok, you didn't do anything wrong.". I then apologize to everyone else for ruining their lunch.  But I guess just the one cousin was actually paying attention, because another one asked what I meant.  So attentive cousin tells him that GMIL is mad at me because I tried to take control of my daughter.  He said "Yeah she does that.  She really needs to get over it and stop acting like such an idiot." This particular cousin won't even let GMIL watch his son for an hour because, and I quote, "I will not let that woman ruin my son like she ruined Athena (my DD)".  This cousin, BTW, is the husband of the one who went out to check on GMIL in the car.  So we all get ready to leave.  My kids and I, unfortunately, are riding with GMIL and GFIL this particular day.  So here I am in the back of the suv the whole drive home with my daughter begging me to go over to their house.  I keep telling her that daddy really wants her to come home since she stayed the night with them last night and he misses her.  She is screaming and crying.  She asked GMIL if she could come over after she sees her daddy for a while.   GMIL ignored her.  DD tried for at least a mile to get GMIL to talk to her, but GMIL just kept ignoring her.  So then we get home, and the cousin who had gone out to check on GMIL called me and started screaming at me about how I am so disrespectful and I should be ashamed and I owe GMIL and apology.  I just told her calmly that she didn't even know what happened or else she wouldn't be saying that.  I told her about the whole "retarded" conversation and asked her how she would have felt if it had been her son.  She told me that she wouldn't care because she doesn't concern herself with what other people think (which is a big fat lie).  I really have no idea what kind of story GMIL told her, but it sure did convince my cousin, who is one of my best friends, that I am a total and complete jerk.  So I just gave up and let her scream at me for a while before I hung up.  Now I just don't know what to do.  I should mention that GMIL has been pulling this same crap her entire life.  She is NOT going to change.  She is convinced that she is right no matter what.  But this is my family.  These are my friends.  And I assure you, she will also gossip about me to the whole church, whom I ADORE!  So what do I do?  Do I continue to let her disrespect my authority with my own children because she is my elder?  Do I risk loosing my family, my friends, and my church so that I can raise my children the way I see fit?  PLEASE help me!

 

ETA:

I guess I should have considered where I was posting this before asking for advice. I do greatly appreciate those replies from people who honestly wanted to help.  But just so the rest of you know, I am not a member of today's "My way or the highway" society.  I do not talk about divorce when my husband and I get in a fight, I do not disown my friends when they do something I don't agree with, and I most certainly do NOT turn my back on my family because of a conflict.  So if your reply is going to be something to the effect of "grow a pair" or "tell her to f*** off", you may as well just move on.  Thanks anyways.

by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ArmyWifeNoDrama
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:56 PM

Honey, Raising your child the right way the way you feel is right is more important. If the church and your family and friends all love you and respect you they will understand but that grandmil would be told to get the fuck away form my kids

mommyajay
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:00 PM

 i wouldnt let her     just be cause she IS disrespecting you. part of me says oh its just a grandma thing but thats just TOO  much!!

mamamissy316
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:01 PM

I know that if they were in my shoes, they would feel the same way.  In fact, I can guarantee that not one of them would have been as quiet about it as I have for nearly as long.  But they are being told a big fat lie!  This woman is an extremely good liar, because she actually believes her lies.  Therefore she is very convincing when she tells a story.  I would bet a million dollars that right now she is rocking in her chair, crying, fanning herself, checking her pulse, wondering out loud "what a sweet old lady her her ever did to deserve such treatment??".  And they will gobble it up with a spoon. 

mommyajay
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:02 PM

sometimes you just gotta stand up for the family thats what i had to do with  the  in laws giving oliver soda

mamamissy316
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:02 PM


Quoting mommyajay:

 i wouldnt let her     just be cause she IS disrespecting you. part of me says oh its just a grandma thing but thats just TOO  much!!

That's what I've been telling myself for years.  I have kept myself from going off on her by repeating that in my head like a mantra.  But this is just too much!

mommyajay
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:03 PM

how OLD is she. is she like  criinkly old lady whos just senile or just being a pita?

mamamissy316
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:04 PM


Quoting mommyajay:

sometimes you just gotta stand up for the family thats what i had to do with  the  in laws giving oliver soda


But would you still do it if it meant you would be an outcast to your family, your friends, and your church?

activitymode
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:04 PM

Omg grow a backbone and tell her to back off or you are done. 

mamamissy316
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:04 PM


Quoting mommyajay:

how OLD is she. is she like  criinkly old lady whos just senile or just being a pita?


She's in her late 70's.  What's a pita? 

mamamissy316
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:06 PM


Quoting activitymode:

Omg grow a backbone and tell her to back off or you are done


What does this mean?  Like, remove myself from the family?  Not let my kids see their grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles?  That doesn't really seem like a matter of "backbone".

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