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What would you do if this was your younger sister???? (Long but please read I really need some advice)

Posted by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 4:21 PM
  • 9 Replies


Okay there is a good chance that this is going to be a little long. Sorry and please try to read it all. I really need some advice.

I have been telling my sister for months to leave her abusive byfriend (ever since I found out her has hit her). She said she couldn't because she had no way to pay for her daughters dipers and stuff. My husband and I told her come stay with us and we will pay for everything the baby needs until you find a job. We will help her get a job and when she gets a job I will babysit for free. Well needless to say she never took us up on our offer.

Now about 4-5 weeks ago (prolly closer to 5) she finally left her boyfriend. The thing that finally pused her to leave him was that he brought home his new girlfriend. (stupid I know she should have left him way before that but whatever if happened finally). Anyways when she left her daughter was not home she was going to go back and get her when she came home ( I know she should have went and gotten her from where she was at). Anyways she does not go back until June 17 at least 3 weeks later. When she does go back her Ex locks her in the apartment and will not let her out. Her friend tried to get in and she couldn't. The Ex called the cops and made her leave and would not let her take the baby. No idea what was said or what happened because I was not there.

She calls me June 18 and tells me everthing that had happened the night before. She asks me to take her to the court (witch I had told her to do the day she left but she was to busy partying and having a good ass time to be bothered with it). So my husband and I take take her to the court house and pay for the gas (witch isn't cheap because she lives almost an hour away from us and then another half hour to get to the court) and the parking. We found out we need her daughters birth certifcate witch costs $10 and we did not have that at the time and then it was $5 to file the emergancey papers witch we did not have either. So we got the paper work and I told her we will figure out a way to get the money before Monday and we will go back.

She got served Saturday morning from her ex stating he has full emergency custody and that he is suing for child support, full custody and supervised visits. I told her do not freak out we will figure this out everything is going to be okay. She ended up getting $25 from her dad to help with the cost of things. And I told her to hold onto it until Monday when we can go.

Monday comes and she calls me to tell me the courst are closed and that she only has $12 left because she had to get cigs. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I am pissed off but I told her okay we will figure it out and I will call her Tuesday morning. I figured it out (by taking some things we had just bought for our Wii to the store for the money back). I call her Tuesday moring and tell her we figured it out. I will call you at 1:30 when Darren (my husband) get out of work and we are going to be on our way to take you to the court. Well 1:30 comes and I am tring to get a hold of her and the cell phone she is using is turned off! I tried getting a hold of her until 4 and nothing so I finally gave up.

Fast forward to Wednesday night at 9:30 and she FINALLY calls! She called to tell me how her Ex called her now boyfriend (yeah she had time to get a damn boyfriend but not go to the court house to try and get her daughter back. And by the way he has NEVER met her daughter!) talking crap about her and that he ex's now girlfriend called her saying she as going to kick her ass and all sorts of names and blah blah blah. And she wanted to know if I could take her to the court house when my husband gets payed. I told her NO. We can not do it we do not have the money we have to pay our bills. I told her she should have gone when we had the chance and that she really should have gone the day after she left! She said I have to do this I have to figure this out. When I get my daughter back I am going to make his life hell and he is  never going to see my daughter again. WTH!!

Now here is my prob. We really can not afford to go back and forth that far all the time and to deal with her stupid little games. How can she make time to find a boyfriend and not make time to try and get her baby back!? I want to help her and feel like I need to because she is my sister but damit she is not trying to help herself. I know I should tell her I can not help you, you had your chance and you screwed up. And that she needs to get the people she is staying with to take her to the court because it is a hell of a lot closer then it is for us to do it. I know I should tell her to step up and be a mom and to do what she needs to do and that I can't really do anything, but it is hard for me to do that. She is my little sister and I love her and feel like I need to be there for her but I just can't. I don't know what to do please help me?

Sorry it was so long I really had to put the whole story so I could get some real input and thanks if you read the whole thing :-) God Bless.



by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 4:21 PM
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Replies (1-9):
lostandfound34
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 4:29 PM

bump for later

jahvarzionmomma
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 4:30 PM

Honestly, I dont think Your sister is fit or wants to be fit enough to raise her daughter right now. I also wouldnt feel safe with my niece in the abusers custody either. I think the best thing for you to do is to tell your sister when she grows up and puts her daughter first then call you and you will help her. Tell her to stop partying and get a job so you know she is serious about wanting the baby back if she doesnt have one already, I am assuming not.

Then call DCF asap. Tell them the situation and let them know you are uncomfortable knowing he is a n abuser and has custody of the child. This way atleast you know someone is checking in on her and if they find something wrong they may even ask you to take her.

AndrewsMommy01
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 4:33 PM

I am very scared she is going to end up in the system and I do NOT want that to happen. My sister did just get a job like 2 days ago working 3rd shif I am not sure is she is still working tho I have not talked to her since. I am sure she will call me in the morning to take her to the court house. The thing is I am pretty much 100% sure they are both using that baby to get at each other. It makes me sick.

Quoting jahvarzionmomma:

Honestly, I dont think Your sister is fit or wants to be fit enough to raise her daughter right now. I also wouldnt feel safe with my niece in the abusers custody either. I think the best thing for you to do is to tell your sister when she grows up and puts her daughter first then call you and you will help her. Tell her to stop partying and get a job so you know she is serious about wanting the baby back if she doesnt have one already, I am assuming not.

Then call DCF asap. Tell them the situation and let them know you are uncomfortable knowing he is a n abuser and has custody of the child. This way atleast you know someone is checking in on her and if they find something wrong they may even ask you to take her.



Brandymamaof4
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 4:51 PM

I have dealt with my sister over very similar situations. You can support your sister with out doing everything for her. She has to want to get her daughter back, until then she is just going to party. Also she may not be telling the whole truth about her Ex, maybe he hit her, maybe he didn't. I have known women who where the abusive one in the relationship, and lied to everyone else, saying he was hitting her.Also just because he hit your sister does not mean he will hit your niece. All I can really offer is prayers.

Screws just fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place.    John Bender: The Breakfast Club

JMVITT
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 5:03 PM

I have never been in a CPS type situation but from what I have read on here, if she is removed from the home, they try to place her with a relative.  Anyway, sounds like your sister is not interested in getting her daughter back.  I probably wouldn't help her.

Quoting AndrewsMommy01:

I am very scared she is going to end up in the system and I do NOT want that to happen. My sister did just get a job like 2 days ago working 3rd shif I am not sure is she is still working tho I have not talked to her since. I am sure she will call me in the morning to take her to the court house. The thing is I am pretty much 100% sure they are both using that baby to get at each other. It makes me sick.

Quoting jahvarzionmomma:

Honestly, I dont think Your sister is fit or wants to be fit enough to raise her daughter right now. I also wouldnt feel safe with my niece in the abusers custody either. I think the best thing for you to do is to tell your sister when she grows up and puts her daughter first then call you and you will help her. Tell her to stop partying and get a job so you know she is serious about wanting the baby back if she doesnt have one already, I am assuming not.

Then call DCF asap. Tell them the situation and let them know you are uncomfortable knowing he is a n abuser and has custody of the child. This way atleast you know someone is checking in on her and if they find something wrong they may even ask you to take her.



MomofTREandP
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 5:11 PM

 Sorry to say, sounds like neither parent should have custody of your niece. Sounds like they both need to grow up and figure out what should be a priority in life and what is not. Your sister does not seem to care so much about her child as she does about her ex. You seem to be putting more effort into this that she is. What a shame. I am no expert, except that my family went through the same type of situation with my brother. I think the only way sis will learn is if she is not enabled or helped out, but has to do it on her own, fall on her butt, pick her self back up and learn something in life. Sounds harsh I know, but it sort of worked for my brother's situation. The most important thing is that your niece be safe, I will pray for her. All children deserve to be safe and happy. And should not have to pay for their parents' mistakes.

awooding
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 5:15 PM

 which

I'll come back to read the rest later. I only got about half way through.

                                                                             *


I know you believe you understand what you think I said...but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not exactly what I meant.

Teeshann
by Ruby Member on Jun. 27, 2010 at 5:16 PM

 sad to say but live and learn. she procrastinated going to court, cigarettes were more important to her than her daughter. now she gets to live with the consequences. i feel really, really bad for the little girl. it is not your job to fix everything for her. she is an adult and a mom and needs to take care of things. she should be the one calling trying to get a ride, looking for a job, doing everything in her power to fight for her child and it doesn't sound like she cares.

AndrewsMommy01
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 5:25 PM

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know what I need to do it's just hard. :-( I have never really been the one to say no to someone who needed help if I am able to give it and if I can't I try to do what I can. It's just hard to have to tell her no because she is family and I love her and my neice. ARGH! Why did I even get involved?!


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