Kind of a S/O of a step mom post(article PIOG)

[jajumommy2000]

 Read this article before you answer and vote please.

http://open.salon.com/blog/marytkelly/2010/06/29/whats_love_got_to_do_with_it

 

So, it makes perfect sense. I dnt understand why people who have a SO that isnt their childs bio parent expect them to automatically love their children like they were their own. It doesnt always happen that way. I get you feel that "well he wants to be with me he has to love them, we are a packaged deal." Yes, you are a packeaged deal, BUT that does not mean he/she has to love your children like they were theirs. They do have to treat them with respect, kindness and fairness. Love would just be an xtra. Yes you would like them to love them as you do, after all they are your flesh and blood. But what if he doesnt? What if this man that you are so in love with only likes your child?What if sometimes he doesnt even like them. I know there are times when I cant stand my own kids behavior and I really dont want to even be around them so I leave them be. And no, they dont know this, I only tell them that I dont like their behavior and I need a break. They are almost 15 and 10. I mean love is cultivated over months and sometimes years, so why do we expect everyone who wants to be with us to love our children? I dont know, maybe its easier when you come in when the child is young. Maybe that is easier to cultivate that love and affection, I dont know. But I do know a lot of women/men are setting themselves, their children, and their future partners up for failure and resentment. Especially if the partner feels they HAVE to love their SOs child or risk losing them. Then they start to feel badly about themselves and maybe even the SO for asking for their LOVE to be forced.

A great woman I know in here stated it simply. Fake it until you make it. And if you never make it, continue being fair, respectful and kind. And yes I am about to be a SM. My SO has 4 kids, 20,18,16,13. The only one I have an issue with is the 13 yr old.Which is funny cause in the beginning she was the one who wanted her dad and I together and we had a great relationship. But  she has done a few things I am having a hard time with towards my children. I am still fair with her, I dont treat her any different, and yes she does know I am upset with her. She is old enough to know her behavior does have consequences. And yes my SO knows how I feel. He feels the same. Actually quite a few people who meet her feel as I do about her. Like I said, I do really like his other 3, but I havent really hit the kind of love I have for my children with his children, and he understands. He gets it. He gets that as long as I am not cruel and mean to his children, that it takes time. And it may not happen, and he is OK with it. So is their mom. They get it. I just wish more people entering into step relationships understood this more.

[jajumommy2000]

 No one has an opinion?Hard to believe!!

[Mrs.Shephard]

My SO isn't my sons biological father. But, I made it a point that I was NOT going to get involved with someone who can't at least respect my child.

If someone expects to be in a relationship with someone and a child is involved, it is RIDICULOUSLY to think that other person can just sit back and have no interaction with the child. A step parent has to treat the child well, and does have to form a relationship with them. If anyone expects otherwise, they're selfish and only thinking of themselves.

Your child is more important than a relationship with someone who doesn't give 2 beans about them... thats jmo

[jajumommy2000]

Quoting Mrs.Shephard:

My SO isn't my sons biological father. But, I made it a point that I was NOT going to get involved with someone who can't at least respect my child.

If someone expects to be in a relationship with someone and a child is involved, it is RIDICULOUSLY to think that other person can just sit back and have no interaction with the child. A step parent has to treat the child well, and does have to form a relationship with them. If anyone expects otherwise, they're selfish and only thinking of themselves.

Your child is more important than a relationship with someone who doesn't give 2 beans about them... thats jmo

Which I agree with. As does the article!!

[meliefrog]

I love both my step sons as much as I love my Bio kids. I am Mom to them. They're biomom doesn't give a rats ass about them.

[mitch576]

i would not marry a man who couldn't treat my child like he would his own.

 it's that simple... i don't give a shit if i love him.

 if he can't treat my kids with the same love and respect that he shows his..

then no.

 i walk.

[3xangel]

 

Quoting mitch576:

i would not marry a man who couldn't treat my child like he would his own.

 it's that simple... i don't give a shit if i love him.

 if he can't treat my kids with the same love and respect that he shows his..

then no.

 i walk.

 

[futureshock]

I agree.

[AngieDawn28]

 I love my SD like she is my own. I don't think it would be fair to her or my DH if I didn't love her and treat her like my own.

Both my sister and my mom married men that had previous children and neither one can stand their spouses children....it puts a strain on their relationship. My step siblings are older so it's not as big an issue now, but my sister's SDs' are younger and she is miserable the entire time they are there.

I would not be in a relationship with a man who didn't love or accept my children from a previous relationship. Whic his why I feel very blessed to be with the father of my children.

[ajjs1972]

it should also state that the love a step parent feels toward the step children is way different than the love they have for their own children and to expect a parent to love another child as they do their own is unrealistic, unfair and will end in disaster for the blended parents. I agree with the article in only demanding and expecting a clear form of respect, but from all involved. the kids, both parents all need to respect how the other feels.

[ajjs1972]

I can almost bet that your sister is miserable b/c none of the people involved respect how she feels, backs her up on issues. and it is no way to live.

Quoting AngieDawn28:

 I love my SD like she is my own. I don't think it would be fair to her or my DH if I didn't love her and treat her like my own.

Both my sister and my mom married men that had previous children and neither one can stand their spouses children....it puts a strain on their relationship. My step siblings are older so it's not as big an issue now, but my sister's SDs' are younger and she is miserable the entire time they are there.

I would not be in a relationship with a man who didn't love or accept my children from a previous relationship. Whic his why I feel very blessed to be with the father of my children.