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Children from previous relationships and marriage.

Posted by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:20 PM
  • 9 Replies

My son is from a previous relationship and is 8-almost 9 years old.  He does not see his biological father or his biological' father's family.  All rights were stripped.

My fiance and I will be getting married in next year.  He sees my son has his child and my son adores him as well.   Right now he calls my fiance by his first name.  He remember his biological father but has no emotional connection to him.   My fiance and I have decided to leave it up to my son if he wants to call him.  My son is very emotionaly bonded with my fiance.

My fiance did ask my son for permission and okay before proposing to him.  My son's reaction was he just doesn't want him to leave.  He's not a kid to really talk about things like this, I'm the exact same way. 

 I've talked to my son about it a little bit but mainly about us getting married.  Bringing up the word "dad" is hard for my son, since he was abused by his biological father.   Should I tell him it's okay to call him Dad and it's his choice.  Or should I just leave it be.

Also,  what about my future inlaws.  They see themselves as grandparents to my son.  Right now he calls them Mr. and Mrs "Lastname" .   They have left up to me to decided whether  my son call them Grandma or Grandpa.

Any tips would be helpful.  I just don't my son to feel like he's being forced or pressured.


by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:20 PM
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Replies (1-9):
ryliejaneismom
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:22 PM

Leave it alone. When and if your son wants to call them dad/grandma/grandpa he will. It's nobody's decision but his.

Lanie_momofone
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:23 PM

  Well, if its never been brought up that he has these choices ...then he may just be doing what you taught him to do...which is address people by mrs. such and such and mr. such and such, just letting him know that he has those options...isnt a bad thing, its just a reassurance

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themacs4
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:23 PM

 Well, my dd was 4 when me & my hubby got together.  She called him by his first name until we got married and then asked him one day if she could call him Pops.  He told her sure, you can call me whatever you like.  She's 13 now and still calls him pops!    I would just leave it up to your son what he calls him.  He may not feel comfortable now calling him dad, but at some point he might!    As far as the grandparents, my MIL introduced herself to my dd as Oma (what the grandkids call her) so my dd calls her that.  When my SS met my parents, my mom introduced herself as Gran and told him he could call her Gran or Lynette (her first name).

Congrats on your engagement!

Mamie_85
by Ruby Member on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:24 PM

My children are much younger, and DF has been in their life since they were 2 months and 12 months old. They've been calling him Daddy forever, but their own choice, but they see their father (my ex dh) semi-regularly and know who he is and call him Dad. Again, that was their choice. Their father is Dad and DF is Daddy. They call DF's parents grandma and grandpa, and their father's parents aren't in their lives at all.

When it comes to an older child I would let him know it's okay to call him "Dad" if he wants to but that he doesn't have to, it's up to him. Same with the grandparents. Just keep the conversation casual, I wouldn't sit him down to talk about it, it might make him feel pressured. Maybe when you're taking a walk, or playing a board game, or something like that just bring it up. Good luck and congrats on the up-coming wedding!

sati769leigh
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:26 PM

i think you have to give your son room to find his own way . forcing intimacy with those special names for people that we love would not be a good idea in my opinion. there is NO rush. let your son settle in to all of this. absorb it and figure out where everyone belongs in his life and what names to give them.

ipissexcellence
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:27 PM

i would just let him know that its okay if he wanted to call them that. plus reassure him that nothings going to change. they aren't going to disappear.

bethanysmom1007
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:29 PM

When I got together with my husband (when it got serious), I told his kids that they could either call me Mom or Nikki, either one.  They both chose to call me mom, but I didn't force them to. 

I would give him the options, but tell him that it is completely up to him what he wants to call them.  He's the only one that needs to feel comfortable saying it.  And don't push the issue.  If he wants to call them what they've been calling them, don't ask him all the time if he wants to change. 

ShawnaH2005
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:29 PM


Quoting Lanie_momofone:

  Well, if its never been brought up that he has these choices ...then he may just be doing what you taught him to do...which is address people by mrs. such and such and mr. such and such, just letting him know that he has those options...isnt a bad thing, its just a reassurance


Chibi_Kitten
by Bronze Member on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:34 PM
After his sister was born, my son asked if he could call my husband dad. We told him it was his choice, whatever he was comfortable with. Same with my in-laws. We didn't want him to feel uncomfortable or obligated so we waited for my son to bring it up himself.
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