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Is your own mother jealous of you? Do you ever feel like she doesn't want you to succeed?

Posted by on Nov. 27, 2010 at 11:38 PM
  • 40 Replies

Dr. LeslieBeth Wish: Does Your Mom Really Want You To Do Better?

Dr. LeslieBeth Wish: Does Your Mom Really Want You To Do Better?

The journey begins with the mother’s struggles to survive.  She is often a single mother, due to divorce, death of a partner or deadbeat dads—with or without marriage.  These mothers have to juggle caring for children and working long hours in multiple jobs or stretching unemployment or welfare checks just to make ends meet.   They’re lonely and tired and pessimistic about life.  Their hard luck makes the daughters over-empathize—and vow never to live like that.

As these daughters grow up, they tend to get good education and training so they can land a good job.  Mom seems happy—at first.   Soon, the daughter senses a resentful tone in her mother. It’s there when her mother rolls her eyes when the daughter describes hosting a celebrity event or when the mother makes a snide comment or snort as the daughter talks about meeting so-and-so or getting a promotion.

If the daughter is wise, she knows her mother is broadcasting a message about her feelings of loss.  Collectively, these messages go like this:  “Who do you think you are—have you forgotten where you came from?” Or, “What—so you’re too good to live in this neighborhood anymore?”

And then it hits the daughter:  She feels guilty for leaving her mother in the dust.  I call this feeling “Surpasser’s Guilt.”  Like the American Express slogan, the daughter feels that she didn’t have permission to leave home without becoming like her mother.

The daughters hoped that her accomplishments would make their mothers proud—and, importantly, would insulate them from living their mother’s hard knocks lifestyle.  But now it seems that their mothers experience their daughters’ achievements as a rejection of the mother’s choices and plight.

And just when these successful, independent daughters believe they’re out of the woods and on the right path after all, they fall in love with immature, problematic men or have out of wedlock babies with deadbeat dads.

“How did this happen to me?  To me?” they wonder.  The abbreviated explanation is that these women harbor a submerged, barely known identification with their mother.  The daughter’s empathy and respect for her mother facilitates this identity.  As one of my clients said, “It’s like there was this demon of doom and failure all along in me that I didn’t know about.”

Few of the women connected their poor choice of partner with identifying with their mother, so you are not alone if you are surprised, too, with the lack of success in your love life.  It’s hard, after all, to really leave home completely, and becoming even a little like your mother is one way of keeping her close.

If you would like to learn more about me or are interested in participating in my study, please go to my website www.lovevictory.com

Thank you!

http://noweddingnowomb.com/

by on Nov. 27, 2010 at 11:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
futureshock
by Dr. Futureshock on Nov. 27, 2010 at 11:39 PM

BUMP!

mom2_3blessings
by on Nov. 27, 2010 at 11:40 PM

Probably but I don't speek to her and havent seen her in five years so who cares.

ErikaRobin
by on Nov. 27, 2010 at 11:40 PM

I've felt this way before, actually.  Yes.  She does not encourage, she talks me down from my dreams.  That's not cool.

futureshock
by Dr. Futureshock on Nov. 28, 2010 at 2:15 PM


Quoting ErikaRobin:

I've felt this way before, actually.  Yes.  She does not encourage, she talks me down from my dreams.  That's not cool.

No, it's not.  She should be your biggest supporter.

coolmommy2x
by Ruby Member on Nov. 28, 2010 at 2:17 PM
My problem is the opposite...my mom thinks I'm great but I know I'm 1/2 the mom and wife she is and I want to be.
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Charweba
by on Nov. 28, 2010 at 2:20 PM

No my mother is not jealous of me. She actually wants me to be better than her. Although I am still trying to be 1/2 the mother and friend she hs been to me. 

carterscutie85
by *Shanny's Stalker* on Nov. 28, 2010 at 2:20 PM

My mom can't stand the fact I refuse to turn out like her, who was married 5 times, never worked, did drugs and never drove. So yeah, she is jealous I am not like that.

pinkjimmies06
by ♥ Jaime ♥ on Nov. 28, 2010 at 2:23 PM

No I wish I felt as proud of myself as my mother does of me. Unfortunately I set that bar so high for myself, it really bugs me. Ugh, I hope I don't pass that on to DD.

Christy644
by on Nov. 28, 2010 at 2:24 PM

My mo is very proud of who I am. We are good friends. We haven't ever really had the mother daughter relationship. She SUCKED as a mom. But as we both grew up a bit we realized we are a lot alike in many ways and support each other as friends. 

imuney
by Platinum Member on Nov. 28, 2010 at 2:25 PM

Man I could write a book about this. My sister and I are constantly talking about how our mother tries sabotage everything we do. Its harder on my sister bc she is younger than me and still living in the same town as mom but I married and moved out of state years ago so I just tune her out. It makes me mad sometimes but I know I cant change her. I told DH I feel like the only thing I can do is be better toward my daughter so that the trail stops with her. Hopefully if I am better to her then she will be better to her daughter and so on.

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