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My MIL is done, so tired of her crap, LONG

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 4:27 PM
  • 7 Replies

Ok so this is my first MIL post. I have started typing many posts but end up deleting them as I feel that I can't even waste any more energy on her. 

My MIL is one of the MOST self absorbed, condescending, manipulative, lying woman I have ever met. She has done so much to hurt my family but recently has dug her own grave.  She has taken it upon herself to attack my husband and my family and create these wild stories about how horrible we are. Yet when she is called out on her accusations she feverishly denies them.  This is going to get long but I am attaching an email that my MIL recently sent to my DH and my DH's response.  I am so proud of him for not feeding into it and leaving her there to stew in her own misery.  All of her children are grown and leaving her and she is miserable.  I almost feel half bad for her and then she starts her crap again. Please keep in mind that the "observations" that she has made are false or horribly misconstrued. 

I am changing the names for privacy purposes:

From: T]
Sent: Monday, December 06, 2010 4:47 PM
To: N
Subject: The alternative communication method -- read this later when you have TIME (LONG EMAIL)

 

Hi son,

Not blowing up your cell phone -- you should be proud ;^D

I am worried about an earlier comment you made about living from a platform of disappointment. One, this is one of the most harmful things you can do to your body and soul (medical FACT). Two, basing your relationships with people on whether or not they have disappointed you at one time, never allows for repair and growth. You leave the person who disappointed you there and they are unable to ever share a healthy interaction with you. This causes hard feelings and the person in question to distance his or herself from you as you are not able to ever let go and move on. I love the hell out of you N and want you to be happy -- that comes from living from your heart. I know your heart has been broken a few times since birth - some to the extreme and have not healed, but it is important that you find resolution in order to be free of disappointment. Forgive people that have disappointed, don't permanently judge and discard.

Case in point -- your relationship with A. Once, you could not even speak her name. You were angry and 'disappointed' in her (when she let D terrorize you). What have you done to turn that around and enable a healthy brother and sister relationship to occur? Just this past Monday you enjoyed time together where my hope is that you did not judge her, but realized that she is your sister -- strengths and weaknesses. She will make more mistakes in her life. How will you continue to have a positive relationship when you know this? Because you love her and realize that her mistakes are HERS, right? How she lives her life is really none of our business. How she may or may not view a successful life likely does not align with ours at all. How do you know then if she deserves you to be nice to her? Does she deserve your kindness and compassion ONLY when you think she lives up to your expectations?

Now, the trick is for you to read this and NOT become defensive. They are observations and questions -- NOT judgments or accusations. It is here that dialog and adult discussions hopefully lead to understanding on BOTH sides (that means I have to practice what I preach). Perhaps your manner of communication is not one that I have been able to understand and here we have a chance to clear the air and seek understanding...

Remember son, I love you -- that should be the OVERARCHING message that you receive when I attempt to communicate with you. I too have been sadly disappointed by my own children. More lately than ever before -- but, then I try to remember that these feelings are MINE and should not be wielded as weapons against you in an attempt to have you live your life the way I think you should, or treat me the way I DEMAND. The fact is, the more disappointment I allow myself to FEEL, the more distance I feel growing between us. SO, the answer is to realize that you are not put on this earth to live MY life or to approve of my life -- you are living your life and hopefully we can share now and into the future the triumphs and tragedies by being supportive. Not always agreeing but agreeing to HONOR our differences and our past experiences as unique and individual, and NOT in a way that seeks to place blame, point fingers, or throw up that which CANNOT be changed from the past. After all, life is what you make of it -- I am excited about the mistakes you and I, and all of your brothers and sisters have made. Some of the best lessons we learn are the BIG mistakes we made and are the most difficult to process. It makes us stronger...it builds character, etc...

One thing I struggle with is my children's recent treatment of ME. BUT, instead of getting sucked into it and letting old guilt drive my actions/reactions, I have decided to remember that I have a BIG, BIG job, have for years and will always disappoint because I do not have enough time for everyone and can no longer help financially (Which I have done over the years as much I was able FOR EACH OF YOU!). It seems to me that I will have more love from my children if I quit my job, babysit full time for free and give as much money as I can make to all of you. That seems to be what I can do to make you all happy. WELL, that's not going to happen so I am relegated to being a disappointment. Oh well, sounds like issues you will have to all reconcile -- and not mine -- is that true?.

I cam not live disappointed in myself. I have done the best I can with what I had ...yes, even making mistakes along the way that MAKE ME WHO I AM TODAY -- I like me. SO, I refuse to let anyone, including my own children, tear me down or make me feel bad about who I am. You should all do the same! I will rise above, hold my head up and live FROM MY HEART! I forgive you all for inflicting your desire to have me crumble and live a daily remorseful trudge of self-shame. I am fully aware of complaint sessions you have all had over me recently -- most of the harsh things you have all said and think about EJ (who is the person I will spend the rest of my time on Earth living with by the way). Sad that you all do not share the desire you once had to see me happy. Don't know where the focus shifted for you all, but it did.  Remember, you would not want me to be abused like I was with R and your dad, or live with a creep like F who we think likely was funneling my money off somewhere else as well.... EJ treats me like a princess and understands COMPLETELY that my kids should come first. He encourages me visiting with you all and to never give up on my dreams no matter what, etc. That sucks, huh?

Your sister J does not live her life for you or your brothers and sisters either. After living years of being called every degrading name in the book, she has pulled away from this family and doesn't seem to care what you all think any more (she doesn't listen - I wouldn't have listened to someone assault me with hurtful angry, degrading and judgmental crap that deflects from one's own transgressions or self-disappointments either). This is sad. She has a number of things that she can be VERY proud of. You have no right to take that away from her. YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED...? Well, hell -- what should she do with that? Go back in time, say sorry and be forgiven? NOT POSSIBLE. So, you have set her up for a lifetime of failure in your eyes. Most of what each of you is upset with HER with is that I paid for college, bought her a car, paid for a cell phone, etc (same thing I STILL do for D except that he destroyed a $32,000 truck and what I was doing for T until he decided to quit school. I am still paying for their cell phones, car insurance, medical insurance, etc. I pay for NOTHING for J and she has also been on a repayment plan for the car and intends to send some of each of her military checks as well. When you can walk on water, then you should tell people how to live their lives son. I am careful NEVER to tell people how to live their lives because I have not even come close to the answers to Life and have made many missteps along the way (and will continue to and learn valuable lessons). Would I want to be responsible for what could go wrong if someone else lived like I said they should? OR, would I just want to take credit for what goes right? I guess it depends upon whether I live in ego or from the heart.

I will no longer participate in the "you have to take our side against J or we will turn our aggressions toward you". Talk about wild manipulation. About a month ago, amber went berserk (as usual) because I denied that J had SEVEN tickets (speeding tickets) to which made it difficult for her to get into the Air Force. I countered in front of D -- "You are full of it A - she had THREE. At least tell the truth. AND, she paid them all off and is now ENLISTED IN THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE WITH AN UNBELIEVABLE HIGH ASVAB TEST SCORE". A's response, "you always stick up for her and that's why I am beginning to resent you which I don't want to do". A is DEAD WRONG about the tickets -- J had FOUR $25 parking tickets when she attended JC over the period of 2+ years AND THREE parking tickets to which were paid off. She is on my insurance. I see the what tickets come in. Does she think I'm stupid and just don't know how to read the insurance and DMV reports? D has TWO speeding tickets ALREADY. Does she care about that? No, A wanted to hold on to something that she can be a J hater over. Now that has shifted AGAIN to A saying nice things about J. What changed?

My final thought - I am done with all the J haters club. If you guys thought of turning your aggressions against T because he is not living up YOUR expectations or D for the same reason, I would have the same strong feelings. They do not live their lives for ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES. Try to encourage individuality, not submission. You're a parent -- and a GREAT ONE. This is something you should understand. And, by the way -- when G or D are 17 or 18 and they come to gramma's house for a visit - I will NOT let them drink alcohol, or do anything else that is counter your parenting method and values. I wish you would have had the same respect for me when you guys encourage your own underage brothers to DRINK ALCOHOL (but not J - how fair is that?). I think though that it may be difficult for you to say no when they would just do it somewhere else...? I don't know and will admit that I do not have the answers.

Please do me a favor and sit on this for a while. Respond later -- after you work through a potential knee-jerk reaction to feel attacked and respond from a basis of anger, disappointment and think that I am judging, or attempting to down play who and what you are. Find the response in your heart and let me know when you want to sit together and put these extremely dividing issues behind us and get to a place where we can be a CLOSE KNIT family that does not judge each other, but rather LOVES each other and honors our individuality. We cannot continue like this N...it will be the catalyst for a major blow out that takes years, if ever, to over come completely. We are all beginning to move on to new areas (towns, cities, countries, etc.) -- what will be the glue/bond that holds us together and allows us to get together in person during Holidays and special occasions?

My hope is that we can rediscover the bonds that held this family together when we went through some VERY difficult situations.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I CAN SAY -- I CARE ABOUT YOU, I LOVE YOU, I WANT A RICH FULL LIFE AND FUTURE WITH YOU IN IT. I AM IN FACT, VERY PROUD OF YOU AND TALK ABOUT THAT PRIDE AND YOU A LOT. Believe it PLEASE....

All my love,
Mom

 

 And here is DH's response:

 

From: N
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 12:24 PM
To: T
Subject: RE: The alternative communication method

 

You know, I started writing a response to this, but after about a paragraph or so I began wondering if anything I was saying would make a bit of difference.

Based on past experience, attempting to get a point across to you, whether in writing or via verbal conversation, has proven to be completely futile. But you're likely thinking/feeling the same thing about me right now, aren't you? So I will humbly secede from this "alternative communication method". Chalk it up to whatever you want... "I'm harboring resentment from when I was a child"... "I'm creating facts to support my conclusions"... believe whatever Psychology School drop-out told you... it makes no difference.

 

One thing that caught my attention was that bit about how "the trick is for me to read what you were saying and not become defensive; that they are observations and questions." What kind of BS is that, exactly? Did you learn that from dealing with the public? Your entire message was centered around how your kids have disappointed you a lot, especially recently... and how your kids would only love you if you quit your job, babysat all the time and shelled out cash.... or that I try to wildly manipulate you into joining the "J Hater Club" (BTW - I love my baby sister very much). I'm not supposed to get defensive over shit like that? Right...

 

So you win - I'm an overbearing, cruel, elitist, condescending prick who obviously has a lot to learn... I suppose I'll need to work on all of that.

 

P.S. thank you for not blowing up my cell

 

EDIT: There is soooo much to this story I could write a whole book.  "past experiences" she is talking about is going on huge drug binges and getting all of her kids taken away. Having my DH raise his younger siblings and kicking him out to be homeless when he was 15.  Blowing off her grandkids so she could cosy up with the Orthopedic Surgeon at her hospital so she could get on good graces with the new director. Or maybe choosing random men over her own children all growing up.  Oh and the part about that guy D who terrorized him, yeah he (D) SIL's boyfriend,  beat the crap out of MIL and DH when DH was younger and threatened to kill DH.  SIL cheated on her DH for (D) and had a baby with him.  MIL is mad that my DH didn't try to get "over the past" and establish a new relationship with (D).  (D) ended up stealing all of SIL's stuff and kicked her and her kids to the curb.

by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 4:27 PM
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Replies (1-7):
NEMommaOf3
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 4:57 PM

What a self-centered psycho babble spouting bitch!

I am glad your dh responded the way he did. From what she did in the past that you have shared she deserves to have her kids hate her!


Tatiana7
by Princess on Dec. 9, 2010 at 4:57 PM

 Daaaaaaaaaaaaaang.  Some people are simply just better off being left alone.  Wow.  Self-absorbed is correct.  She will never see any other viewpoints but her own.  Yes, stop wasting time.  Move on and focus on the good...which apparently, isn't her.....

gavansmommy
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:31 PM


Quoting Tatiana7:

 Daaaaaaaaaaaaaang.  Some people are simply just better off being left alone.  Wow.  Self-absorbed is correct.  She will never see any other viewpoints but her own.  Yes, stop wasting time.  Move on and focus on the good...which apparently, isn't her.....

That's it, there is nothing constructive coming from her email. Every paragraph always go back to her and the way SHE feels.

iamcafemom83
by Rah-Rah on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:39 PM
It's best to stay far far far away! She sounds crazy.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
gavansmommy
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:43 PM

She is off her rocker!

Braydens_Mama06
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:53 PM

Do we have the same MIL?  Seriously she sounds just like mine.  I've learned to ignore her and thankfully we have our own states so I never have to see her, although I dread her visits however few and far between they may be.  Uggg, she's irritating me just thinking about her! 

gavansmommy
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 12:07 AM

BUMP!

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