Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Does your DH/SO say mean things when he's angry that you KNOW he doesn't mean?

Posted by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:28 PM
  • 39 Replies

Whenever DH gets stressed out and super tired, he says whatever he thinks will hurt (within reason.. there are certain things that are NEVER said and are big no-nos, like throwing around divorce, for example, name calling never happens, either). But like earlier, he just accused me of having all of this 'down time'. Uh, I'm nine months pregnant and in awful pain. Your DS punctuating your weekends with 'Daddy' is because he doesn't see you all week and wants you near him. Because you love him and NORMALLY, you're his best playmate. Asshole. Anyway, he gets this way from time-to-time. Especially now when he's stressed out (the baby comes any day, he had to miss a day of work and money's tight, his foot and leg are killing him, he needs to sleep, etc.)... he just kind of takes it out on me. But in two hours, tops, he'll come and apologise. It doesn't even hurt my feelings anymore because I KNOW he doesn't mean it. I just wish that he didn't take his stress out on me. I know it's because we're the closest to each other and kind of 'convenient'.. .but I'm pretty emotional right now... what with hormones and all and I wish he'd just kind of find another outlet until I can control MY emotions better.

When he's cooled off (He just told me not to talk to him right now), I want to talk to him about it. I just don't know how to open up this conversation without making him feel defensive. He's truly wonderful, thoughtful, a great husband and father.. it's just when he gets stressed out, stretched thin, he gets this way. We all have our faults. And right now, this is really hurting my feelings. How do I talk to him about this?

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:28 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by Platinum Member on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:31 PM

 NOt to often but it has happened ... its misdirected anger and we all do it...he hardly ever gets mad he is very mild and calm...but when he does get mad "back up"  i usually leave him alone so he does not say things he regrets and  talk with him when he has cooled off...We are all human i think we all say things we may not have  really meant when we are really ticked off...


Just give him some time...

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:36 PM

That's how things started with my husband.  He would take his frustration out on me instead of discussing with me what he was upset about or communicating his needs.  Then it escalated to name calling put downs and threats of just leaving. 

Yes I realized his behavior was coming from something very wrong within himself but it took me kicking him out for him to realize I'm not the problem.  To me words matter and how your spouse communicates with you matters.  My husband doesn't appreciate when I have been rude to him or called him names right back and he always wants to know if I really meant it.  It's hard not to hear hurtful words and not internalize them. 

My husband could be a thoughtful loving person when he chose to.  The other things that he chose to do was simply to much for me.  At the end of the day hurting your partner is a choice.  The first time you say something hurtful and your partner says ("hey that really hurt my feelings.  It makes me second guess how you really feel about me and I need you to stop that behavior and communicate with me in more effective ways.") you can understand that they didn't realize how much it hurt you or what damage they were causing.  The second time they do that after knowing full well how much it hurts you they are doing it on purpose and either don't care about your feelings or gain pleasure from hurting you. 

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:37 PM

Yes he does and then I yell at him and then when he calms down he apologizes......

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:39 PM

 Occasionally, it is easy to lash out at those close to us during times of stress.

by Stefanie on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:40 PM

All...the...time.  I've learned that when my husband is like that, when he is ready to talk he will come to me.

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:41 PM
No but he's said hurtful things without thinking before. Like early on when we were having sex he complimented my sexy BIG ass! Wtf?

Not long ago he commented how I can't make noodles for shit. I cried. (I'm 8 mo pregnant)

But if he always said hurtful things when he was in a crap mood I would be watching for other signs of abuse.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:42 PM
It has happened on both sides we are getting better though
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:44 PM

We did that when we were young and new in our relationship. We haven't had that problem in a long time, thankfully. Just be direct. You don't need to address it a certain way. Just tell him how you feel and you wish he would sit down and talk to you when hes upset instead of taking it out ON you.

But... Try to use *I* statements instead of YOU YOU YOU - That keeps him less defensive.

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:48 PM

no never,my husband would not do that.My suggestion is, talk to him about it, tell him how you feel when he does this, IMO it is very disrespectful for him to talk to you that way. You need to talk to him and tell him but don't go on the offensive, because if you do he will shut you out.

by ★Honey Badger★ on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:48 PM

Yes. It happens. I tend to just accept the apology and remind him that I am here for him, and he doesn;t need to take his stress out on me. I make sure to say that if he needs to talk, I am here, but he needs to talk to me without treating me like the enemy.

It happens, I will be the first to admit I have done it too.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)