• In the Spotlight:
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Rape, Child Support, Abandonment, HELP!!! (LOooooong)

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:55 AM
  • 64 Replies

This is a fake profile. I have been a member for some time, though not very active I know how it goes around here. So before anyone starts screaming TROLL, if you honestly think I am lying, feel free to PM me and I can send you my real user name. I felt I needed to make a fake profile because I am not sure what the legal ramifications could be with the situation and I am aware that this forum is public and searchable. The whole world doesn't need to know my issues, but I have been up for hours crying and thinking about this and I really need some input or advice. THIS COULD GET LONG so sorry. But I think the whole story needs to be told. And honestly, except for DH I have never gotten this all out. I really need some help or advice and if you intend on bashing, just leave now.

When I was 14 I started dating a guy 2 years older than me. It was fun for a while until we started having sex. I don't know why I started doing it honestly, I'm 21 now I still can't fathom why I was so stupid. I did feel horrible though. After a few instances, I decided I didn't want to do it anymore, I felt disgusting inside. BF at the time (calling him J) seemed to have no problem with this, until he started getting violent with me. He snapped at things and would hit me and choke me. One day his anger went beyond hitting and I was raped. Afterwards he started crying profusely and I forgave him. For fear of it happening again, or what I don't know, but I willingly started having sex with him again on a regular basis. J continued to be violent and raped me once more over the course of a year. I started cutting myself and hitting myself. Until one day a very good friend finally convinced me to dump him and get away. I never told anyone about the rape, and only a few select friends knew that he had hit me before. Either way I had finally done the smart thing and gotten away from him.

Until about a month later when my dad and step-mom split up. My dad had become friends with J's family and decided to stay with them for a few days. I guess I couldn't stand my step-mom at the time or something, but stupidly I decided to go with my dad. It was kind of awkward there, but J's sister was my age, and I honestly didn't think he would try anything. When my dad had to leave the state for a job interview (after only 2 days of being @ J's house) I stayed there. The night my dad left, J asked me to come talk to him about our relationship. I have no idea WHY I would go, but I did. And when I refused to date him again he ended up raping me again. And before you ask why I didn't scream loud enough for anyone to hear. I have no idea. I was almost limp in shock after a few minutes of trying to kick him off and I guess I was afraid that his family would hurt me and I was just generally ashamed. At one point I just laid there crying and when it was over,  I just walked out in shock and went back to where I was sleeping.

The next morning, I went about as if nothing had happened. At one point I think I tried to hint at J's sister that something had happened, but she either didn't believe me or didn't care. Later that day, my mom showed up at the door, my step-mom called her about where I was and how I was living with a boy and my mom drove 2000 miles to come get me.

So thats the back story to J. Fast forward a little while, I'm in a new state and I found out I was pregnant. It could only be one persons and I was encouraged to tell the father. J wanted nothing to do with me, his family called me a whore, saying I must have f-ed a guy the day I got to California...all kinds of things. I did tell my mother most of the circumstances and eventually things started to be alright. I did consider abortion and adoption, but in the end I decided to keep DS (Who is turning 6 tomorrow!)

J never wanted to have anything to do with DS and I had no problem with that. He was violent and scary and his family was just nothing that I wanted my son around. When DS was 3 months old, my mom did convince to file a report about everything with J, but it came back that without any proof and the fact that I did have consensual sex with him, there was nothing that could be done. OK fine, whatever, I wanted to move on with my life.

(I am so sorry this is so long. So much on my chest and its hard for me to get all the details out in short form, thank you so much for reading though)

Here is where the legal issues come in. My mom was on PA and I and DS were added. But during the process the worker wanted all the details on the father, which I gave, willingly. Thinking nothing of it. Everything was fine until DS was around 18months old-2 (?) and I got a letter saying that I had to take DS in for a paternity test, and then later there was a court thing, which I was not required to go to. The state of California wanted child support because we were on PA. I never even wanted it, but I went along with the system and would use my $50 disregard to buy toys mostly. Whatever child support he was ordered to pay, it only lasted for 6-8 months and then just stopped. I didn't think anything of it, because I didn't even want it. I was off PA and doing just fine.

So here we are and DS is about to turn 6. I've never seen c hild support since then, and my mailing address is up to date with them. I've gotten married to a man I've known since I was 12 (And the friend who got me to away from J in the first place) We are happy and content. DS has never known another father but my DH, never met his sperm donor, knows nothing about any of this. (Eventually I will tell him about his bio-dad, but not now) We had discovered that we can get sperm donor for abandonment and get any parental right he might have taken away. In over 4 years I haven't heard a peep from him and DH plans to adopt DS. We were advized that putting an adoption into the works and then filing abandonment would be the best route. Right now, we just don't have the money for legal fees and with DH stationed across the country from where we'd have to go to court, its just far more money for travel and what not then we can afford. But we really thought that we would be able to go about this on our time.

Today my mother called me and said that I got a check for a considerable amount of back child support. And now everything has been thrown into a spiral. I've been crying and I'm just not sure how to feel about this. Do I want the money? Its money, yeah, we could definitely use it for DS. But on the other hand, I don't want ANYTHING from him. I don't want to think about J, I don't want to hear about him. I have worked so hard to heal and have come so far in the last few years. Neither I or DS need anything from him. And I'm considering just sending the check back. But at the same time, I would love to buy DS something really nice for his birthday, more school clothes, even save for adoption fees. But what kind of message would I be sending myself or DS when he finds out. I say we don't need him, but then take the money.  Now a whole lot of legal issues are coming up also. If we take the money for DS, does that drop the abandonment claim? If he's been paying it, does that drop it? Why is it suddenly popping up? I'm contacting a lawyer in the morning and MIL is doing some research. But I can't sleep thinking that everything is ruined. And as much as I have healed or thought I did. I'm not ready to face him again. What if he wants my baby?! There's been talks of drugs, prison, other people claiming J raped them. I can't even begin to describe how horrible it would be for DS with these ppl.

I'm sorry its so long. Dh tried to comfort me for as long as he could, be he doesn't have any answers either. Any advice, thoughts, have you been through anything similar? Help please?!

 

by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:55 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
juicebox-
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:03 AM

OHH I'm so sorry!!!  And don't feel you need to tell ANYONE who your real sn is.  Ppl are idiots if its important to them. 
Sweetie, take the money, use it for your child.  You can't give it back anyways.  And even if you don't take it, that doesn't prevent him from having rights to your child, so you may as well.  But that's my opinion, I can totally understand you not wanting anything from him, and if thats the case, just leave it.
I just hope he has enough sense to stay away from you and your child.  I'm really sorry.

hautemama83
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:07 AM
I say send the check back, not because you don't want anything from him, but because it'll help with closure. Also is your dh military?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
RiversMommy746
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:09 AM
I haver to read this tomorrow. I am so sorry.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
helpplease12515
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:10 AM

Thank you Juice. I always liked reading things from you. :) I am hoping and praying this is just him coming back into the radar. Got a job a again or something. And Yes, he's in the military.

helpplease12515
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:11 AM


Quoting helpplease12515:

Thank you Juice. I always liked reading things from you. :) I am hoping and praying this is just him coming back into the radar. Got a job a again or something. And Yes, he's in the military.


DH I mean

amanda0714
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:11 AM

 I have no advice, but here's a bump

 

helpplease12515
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:11 AM

TY

AimBre
by Silver Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:12 AM


Quoting juicebox-:

OHH I'm so sorry!!!  And don't feel you need to tell ANYONE who your real sn is.  Ppl are idiots if its important to them. 
Sweetie, take the money, use it for your child.  You can't give it back anyways.  And even if you don't take it, that doesn't prevent him from having rights to your child, so you may as well.  But that's my opinion, I can totally understand you not wanting anything from him, and if thats the case, just leave it.
I just hope he has enough sense to stay away from you and your child.  I'm really sorry.

This and that I am so sorry. You are amazing for keeping your son and being an amazing mom to him.

jmgarzamom
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:13 AM
Hon i am so sorry u r going through all this but take confort in that most,judges r willing to listen to the parent who has been there rather than the other parent. As far as taking ur baby leagly notging he can do & with so much time between the last time he has seen him ask for supervised visitation if it,goes that far. Every state is diff but 6 months without contact is abandonment here & u have more than enough. Just keep ur head up & you will get through.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
helpplease12515
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:15 AM


Quoting AimBre:

 

Quoting juicebox-:

OHH I'm so sorry!!!  And don't feel you need to tell ANYONE who your real sn is.  Ppl are idiots if its important to them. 
Sweetie, take the money, use it for your child.  You can't give it back anyways.  And even if you don't take it, that doesn't prevent him from having rights to your child, so you may as well.  But that's my opinion, I can totally understand you not wanting anything from him, and if thats the case, just leave it.
I just hope he has enough sense to stay away from you and your child.  I'm really sorry.

This and that I am so sorry. You are amazing for keeping your son and being an amazing mom to him.

Thank you. He saved my life. My self mutilation had gotten so bad by the time I found out I was pregnant. Knowing that I was hurting another life by hurting myself was the one thing that got me to stop. I believe I would be dead by now if DS hadn't changed my life.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)