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the best of spouse/children/family/conception fmls :)

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:10 PM
  • 10 Replies

Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident. One of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "asshole" afterwards. FML

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

Today, my eight year old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mind-fucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML

Today, my parents wouldn't let me go to the fair because they reckon my IQ is so low, I could quite possibly choke on cotton candy and pass out confused by the hall of mirrors. FML

Today, someone asked when my baby was due. I'm not pregnant, but I was so embarrassed to be mistaken for a pregnant lady that I rubbed my tummy and said "December." FML

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML

Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, "I feel like a hug." I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I stood up to hug him he said "Feeling's gone" and walked away. FML

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

Today, my 16 year-old daughter tried to convince me that tampons don't actually work, all because she can still pee with one in. FML

Today, my fiancĂ© broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

Today, my neighbor passed away, and my father and I went to give his wife our condolences. In the middle of my dad's conversation with the wife, he says "I'm sorry for your loss, I knew Jim well, he was a great guy." The wife stares at him and says, "His name was Rich." FML

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After saying no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML

Today, I was babysitting some kids and helping them make a poster about insects. They couldn't think of any more insects to add so I suggested a spider, and got told to "not be a dumbass, spiders aren't insects they're arachnids." The girl is six. FML

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

Today, eating at a nice restaurant and feeling curious, I daringly ask for the surprise 'Maiden's Dreams' desert.The waiter comes back with a banana between two ice cream balls on a plate and no spoon. FML

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him.Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

Post your favorites!

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Lilypie Third Birthday tickers

by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:10 PM
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Replies (1-10):
luvmyangel22
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:13 PM
bump
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
sojourner.
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:23 PM
DeathGoddess
by Silver Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:23 PM

lmao

egyptian_mommy
by Platinum Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:26 PM
Lol
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
jslpruitt
by Silver Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:29 PM

 lol

LisaRoyNKaden
by Gold Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:33 PM

LMAO... theres a couple of those that make ME think...  "WTF?"   hahaha 

StOp.PaJaMaTiMe
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:41 PM

the one about the grandmas virginity poem... omg. 

baby2zacharias
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 2:49 PM
: )
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Fuchia05
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 3:46 PM

 lol love these

Night_Roane
by Platinum Member on Aug. 30, 2011 at 3:54 PM

Figured I'd bump this, cuz who doesn't like to laugh?

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