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is it selfish not to report a rape?*** UPDATE***

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:30 PM
  • 34 Replies
A friend of mine told me todaybshe was raped at a bar the other night. The Guy is a friend if a friend. I guess they went to go get food and he pulled over in an ally and raped her. I have been raped so I know What she is going through and I am so heart sick for her. She wont report it, she said she just wants to forget it ever happened. I asked her, what if he dose it to someone else? She said well that would be her problem, she can report it if She wants to. Im completely thrown back. On one hand I want to be there for her through this but.on the other I can't understand how she would be so callous about it happening to someone else kwim? The first thing I wanted to do was report it because I NEVER wanted him to hurt someone like he hurt me. Am I being a total bitch for being upset with her about her attitude toward this or is she being selfish?

ETA: I didn't tell her I thought she was selfish, I didn't tell her I was upset With her attitude about another woman, I wad there for her and I will continue to be There for her with out judgment, I wouldn't dare tell her anything hurtful, she has been through enough. I was just thrown back by her lack of compassion for another, it'd usually not like her at all.

***UPDATE***
okay so I just spent the last hour on the phone With my friend, SHE LIED ABOUT THE WHOLE THING! so she called me because she was feeling guilty about lying to me, since I have been raped before. She said she made up the story about being raped Because she was hoping it would prompt me to open up about mine so she could give some facts to her df. Apparently she willingly had sex with this guy. She said she was going to tell her df she had been raped so he wouldn't find out she had cheated on him, I guess it happened in the bar in the bathroom and the bouncer (who her df knows) walked in on them and she screamed rape. She talked the bouncer into not telling her df Because she said she wanted to be the one to do it, and said she didn't want to press charges so the bouncer just kicked the guy out of the bar. She said She went home and her df was in bed so she showered and the next day he asked her what was wrong because she was acting different, (She said she was trying to avoid him till she got her story straight) that's when she thought to call me and was hoping to get my details about my rape and tell her df that's what happened to her.

I was feeling so low and shitty for feeling angry at her about this, I felt like the biggest bitch on earth! I then realized I wasn't angry with her for not wanting to report it, I could understand that, or even for what she said about it being the other girls problem, it was her nonchalant attitude toward the entire situation when she was telling me about it earlier that day that didn't sit right with me. And now I know its because she was never raped. I don't know how to feel now. I know I'm not a compassionless person! If I speak to someone about being raped I feel sick for them, and sad, and I don't give a rats behind if they want to report it or not, that's why I didn't understand why I felt that way today. Now I know its because on some legal I must not have believed her, or suspected. Idk, now I'm just rambling, but its Because I'm mad. I mean I know people do, but seriously! Who lies about being RAPED?
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Helloitslate
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:32 PM
I think you are expecting too much.
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dlandrum
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:35 PM

I completely get what you're saying...and I certainly would be reporting it. But honestly, at first at least, I wouldn't be reporting it to stop him from hurting someone else, I'd be doing it for justice for what happened to me (so right there, I would be selfish). In a way, it's selfish of her, but at the same time, people deal with things differently...and as selfish as it may seem, this may be what she needs to get through it.

 

MissLinn
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:37 PM
I think that's a horrible thing to suggest. I hope she has someone to offer support without judgement.
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KyliesMom5
by Platinum Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:37 PM

I was raped when I was 13 years old by my 14 year old cousin. I did not say a word until I was 17 years old.  My mom suspected something had happened but had not idea what. Anyway, I could not bring myself to hurt his mom, to put her through that because she had been raped years before.  I don't think it is selfish. It might not always be the right choice but people cope differantly and this may be the way she is able to handle it. 

-KC-
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:37 PM

This and yes you are being a total bitch to be honest. Let her handle the situation the way that helps her deal with what happen better. Ive been raped in the past..sometimes not reporting it is the better way of healing for the victim. 

Quoting Helloitslate:

I think you are expecting too much.


.betty.white.
by bilf on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:38 PM


Quoting MissLinn:

I think that's a horrible thing to suggest. I hope she has someone to offer support without judgement.
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MommyFlood
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:38 PM


Quoting -KC-:

This and yes you are being a total bitch to be honest. Let her handle the situation the way that helps her deal with what happen better. Ive been raped in the past..sometimes not reporting it is the better way of healing for the victim. 

Quoting Helloitslate:

I think you are expecting too much.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
-KC-
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:38 PM
Quoting .betty.white.:



Quoting MissLinn:

I think that's a horrible thing to suggest. I hope she has someone to offer support without judgement.
aprilsalcro
by Platinum Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:41 PM
This.

Quoting dlandrum:

I completely get what you're saying...and I certainly would be reporting it. But honestly, at first at least, I wouldn't be reporting it to stop him from hurting someone else, I'd be doing it for justice for what happened to me (so right there, I would be selfish). In a way, it's selfish of her, but at the same time, people deal with things differently...and as selfish as it may seem, this may be what she needs to get through it.


 

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mommasbabies77
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:42 PM
As someone who did report it, I have to say that if I knew then what I know now I would have never reported it. Going through the legal system is like being raped all over again except this time it's legal and under extreme critque.

A rape survivor is responsible for herself/himself. They should never be expected to do something they may or may not be able to handle for the sake of someone else. It may seem selfish but it is very likely self preservation. And, unless you've walked in the shoes of the survivor, you(general) have no right or authority to judge whether or not they press charges...

Everyone deals differently. Everyone needs support. But, they don't need judgment. Choose what you want to do.
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