What some SM's want their husbands ex wives to know:
I've married your ex. Now I'm your kids' step parent. My relationship with your ex is just that, MINE. It is a relationship between he and I and none of your business. I did NOT marry a package, he didn't come with ribbons and bows, he came with a past (YOU) and children. Let me say this again, I did not marry a package, I did not marry his children too....that's illegal.
•1. I know who the "real" parents are. I am fully aware I did not birth my husband's children. I don't need constant reminders of who is "real" and who isn't. I am a REAL person. Get over the fact that I also happen to be a female who spends quality time with my husband's children. You are divorced.
•2. I am not the maid, nanny, tutor, shuttle driver. Yes, I spend time with my husband's children, however part of the joy of being "just the step parent" is that I get to choose what my involvement is with input from my husband. You don't get a voice in this in our home. If I choose to fill roles in our home that you feel are strictly reserved for you.....remember you are divorced and don't have a voice in my home.
•3. Nobody owns the children or their milestones. If my husband and I decide it is appropriate for me to take a child to get a manicure, teach a child to ride a scooter, buy a child his/her first set of Lincoln Logs, that is exactly what is going to happen. If a child happens to have his/her first loose tooth in our home and it dares to fall out here, yes the tooth fairy will visit the child in our home. You don't own these moments. You are divorced.
•4. You don't make the rules in my home. My husband and I will stick to our own rules and consequences in our home. While I agree that nobody raises a hand to a child, that is the only thing you need to be assured of. You are divorced, you don't work as a team with my husband anymore if you did/could you wouldn't be divorced now would you?
•5. You aren't a part of OUR family. You won't be receiving invitations to spend Christmas Morning with us. You won't be invited to family events, birthdays, weddings, etc. Do not expect it. You are divorced, these people aren't your family anymore.
•6. Shhhhh. It isn't necessary to discuss me with anybody. Not the children, not the mail man, not the grocery store clerk. None of these people are your therapist. If you need one, get one but leave discussion of me off the table. I assure you that I do not discuss you with anybody, just because I happened to marry your Ex, doesn't make you an integral part of my daily life.
•7. I'll buy them what I want to. If my husband and I decide together that a child deserves an iPod or a gaming system, WE together will make that decision in our home. I'm sorry you decided that spray tanning, designer handbags and French manicures were so important that YOU can't afford to do these things for the children. We aren't trying to spoil them or show off, we are simply doing what we feel is right for our home. You are divorced, you don't get to decide on purchases from our budget.
•8. Parenting together doesn't mean you are a team. Yes, you are both parenting the same children. No, this does not mean that your "team" excludes me. You and my husband may discuss decisions for the children, but know that he will include me in any decision that impacts our home. He absolutely will consider me before you in these things along with what is best for the children....not what is best for you. You are divorced, your team broke up.
•9. I am not the "other woman". I am wife to my husband. Not a fling, floozy, home wrecker, etc. Move on.
•10. Birthing, labor, stretch marks and saggy boobs don't make you a "Mom". That card is invalid. Don't try to pull it to get your way or demean my position in my home.
•11. Don't spend our money. Yes, there is a court order specifying who pays what and how much. Don't make decisions to spend large sums of money without first discussing it. Susie may have to wait a year for braces until we can assist in paying our share. If you were still part of a team with my husband you would absolutely have to wait for the right time to take on this commitment. It isn't in the kid's best interest to over extend us just because you can.....and no, you don't get to put your hand into MY wallet and still declare yourself the "only mother" or the "real mother" .
•12. My husband and I really dig each other. We will kiss, hold hands, hug, snuggle, etc anytime we want to, even if the children are here. It's good for them to see healthy relationships and an affectionate married couple. You don't get to make rules about this in my house nor do you get to make it something wrong or dirty to the children. Affection between a married couple is normal, we aren't roommates.
•13. My children. Off limits. Period. Shhhhhh. The children I brought into this relationship as well as any children that my husband and I share together are completely off limits to you. Always.
•14. We aren't going to be friends. Beyond a nod and brief smile, don't expect me to acknowledge you. I will not run to you, hug you, gush all over you, shake your hand, save you a seat, etc. You just happen to be the woman who was married to my husband. I'm, not going to be your friend.
"Mostly, I just stand around being fantastic."