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sixteen is a beautiful age to lose your virginity.

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This article is very long, and it details the difference between dutch and American parenting when it comes to dum dum duuuuuummmm Sex.  I'm only going to provide the link, and a few choice bits.  It's very interesting though, and I plan on grabbing the book.


SUNDAY, OCT 30, 2011 10:00 AM MOUNTAIN DAYLIGHT TIME

Solving America’s teen sex problem

The Dutch have dramatically reduced adolescent pregnancies, abortions and STDs. What do they know that we don't?


"When 16-year-old Natalie first started dating her boyfriend, her mother did something that would mortify most American parents: She took her to the doctor’s office to get her contraceptives. Her mother wasn’t weirded out by the fact that her teen daughter was about to have sex — in fact, she fully supported it. She merely wanted to make sure that she was doing it safely, and responsibly. A couple of months later, when it finally happened, her parents were totally accepting. As her father put it, “sixteen is a beautiful age” to lose your virginity."


"Whereas most American parents panic about the idea of allowing their kids to have sex with other kids under their roof, for many Dutch parents, it’s not only fine — it’s responsible parenting."


"The pregnancy rate is about four times higher in the U.S. than in the Netherlands and abortion rates are about twice as high. HIV rates are about three times higher. Growing up in the Netherlands, I didn’t actually know of any teenagers who became pregnant as teens. Whenever I say that to Americans they’re always very surprised."


" In the Netherlands, there’s the belief that young people are capable of recognizing when they’re ready and self-regulating as opposed to the notion that they have raging hormones that are out of control. There’s the belief that young people can fall in love and that their sexuality is anchored in relationships so it becomes easier to accept and normalize relationships from about 16 to 17 onwards. And finally there’s been an attempt on the part of Dutch parents and the authorities to say, “This is happening, and we need to keep it from being secretive. We need to be able to keep control and be able to recommend that young people use contraception and see who they’re becoming involved with.”"


". . .   you have to first separate from your family and become completely self-reliant before you’ve earned the right to engage in sex. That makes it harder for parents to then integrate it into the family in the way Dutch parents have."


"In the chapter about the Dutch parents, a father tells his daughter that she should never do it unless she has the desire for it. He acknowledges that his daughter might actually want it, and that is a very difficult thing in the U.S. context for a lot of parents to do, especially for girls."


"Only half of  American girls have had a conversation about contraception with their parents. In the Dutch case, one of the girls learns about the pill at school during what is called “relationship lessons” — yes, that’s really what it’s called — and she comes home and her mother explains that she also uses the pill."


" I think some of the American models of being able to deal with cultural difference within a society are a  good thing, and I like to think that cultures can learn from each other."


"There’s a real interest among young parents in handling sexuality better than it was in their family. We need to figure out how to stop falling back on the marriage-only model and we need a model for a good relationship that isn’t necessarily for life but that still involves mutual respect, and honesty, and mutual obligation as well as enjoyment and pleasure."


So after all that, (a few choice bits . . right . . . ) What do you all think?  How will you handle it when your teenager seems to get interested in having sex?

A loving wife since 08/06, a Mom to Inara since 9/08, with number two on the way! BabyFetus Ticker

by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 1:44 PM
Replies (11-20):
RutterMama
by Bronze Member on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:00 PM
17 moms liked this

Load of crap. Sorry. 16 is still very immature and in no way are they ready for sex.

mich.el.le
by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:01 PM
12 moms liked this

I would agree if I didn't think sex was best saved for marriage.  Then again, I dont model any of my parenting after the way the majority of Americans (or Dutch) do.

HouseofFeast
by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:03 PM
4 moms liked this

I very much agree. I'm not going to rent them a hotel and let them go at it. But, kids will be kids--and kids have sex. It's my job to prepare her for it by putting her on contra-ceptives and supplying her with condoms and just maintaining an open relationship.

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placidic
by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:04 PM
16 moms liked this

My kids have wonderful heads on their shoulders and are not allowed to date until 18.  I don't feel anyone is mature enough until then and that is just my opinion.  My kids excel in school, are really happy and don't feel the need for love from the opposite sex.  My son is 19, daughter is 17, beautiful children and no dating yet. 

I feel so fortunate! lol

graciesmom6206
by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:08 PM
3 moms liked this


Quoting Kaybean:

Okay, its one thing to be open with your kids and allow them to come talk to you, and make sure they know about safe sex, but to say 16 is a beautiful age to lose your virginity? That's really gross. Wow.


I agree with this. 

Night_Roane
by Gold Member on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:09 PM
7 moms liked this

I think that sex should be something special, with someone special, not just a "quick pleasure". Sex definitely had emotional consequences I was unprepared for at 18, and also an addictiveness. I would most definitely say it's the reason I stayed with my ex too long. I'm not saying that this is the case for "everyone" (because I know there are those of you who will assume I've broadened my life experience to encompass the world), but when I have "the talk" with my daughter, I'll make sure she knows that it should be done safely with someone that she loves - someone who IS willing to wait for sex and isn't just going to use her, and I'll make sure she knows that sex creates a bond. And I'll tell her if she really thinks she's found that person, to come to me so that we can talk about it.

I believe sex, in many ways, is very much like falling in love. Maybe some of the ladies here really did fall in love at 16 and got married and have a beautiful family now. Maybe many only thought they were in love. Maybe that 16 yr old really did find the person of their dreams and KNOWS it'll only be that person forever and wants to have sex. Maybe they only think it's Mr. Right, or only want it because their bf does. Either way, I plan on strongly advising my DD to wait until she's 18. I want her to make sure the time - and the person - is right. And if the time or person wound up being a mistake, I don't want her to be labeled at the "school slut". 

roseberrymatrix
by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:12 PM
4 moms liked this

So do I. We expect our kids to be/do stupid. So that's what we get.

We start expecting them to make decisions, and they see and feel that we believe in their ability to make good choices they'll make them when given the right tools, education and encouragement.

You reap what you sew.

You reap a foul child, you sew a foul adult.

Quoting .Pagan.:

i agree with it


HouseofFeast
by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:13 PM
5 moms liked this

Your kids are weird. Normal kids don't do that.

My gaurdians told me I couldn't date until I was 16. I lost my virginity at 14--stoned, in a tent, playing a game of truth or dare, with my sister's "BF". Now, I was also weird. Most kids aren't like that--but I'd wager there are more like me than like your kids.

Quoting placidic:

My kids have wonderful heads on their shoulders and are not allowed to date until 18.  I don't feel anyone is mature enough until then and that is just my opinion.  My kids excel in school, are really happy and don't feel the need for love from the opposite sex.  My son is 19, daughter is 17, beautiful children and no dating yet. 

I feel so fortunate! lol


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alwayskk
by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:18 PM
3 moms liked this

Interesting. I didn't read very thoroughly, but there were parts I agree with and parts I do not. I agree that we need to accept that sex is normal and healthy and that teenagers are going to have sex if they want to. I also agree with providing birth control options to teenagers.

What I don't agree with is that their hormones are not raging out of control and that they are able to determine for themselves at the age of 16 whether or not they are ready for sex.

I do not believe that any teenagers should be having sex. You can't create a logical proof that skirts the biological fact that no 16 year old's brain has finished developing and as a result, they have less ability to reason and less finely tuned abilities to make decisions.


I'm wondering now, what are the teen crash rates like in the Netherlands? 

bethmoore71
by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 2:21 PM
4 moms liked this

 Been there, done that. She's 18 now, and first had sex at 14. I wasn't happy to learn that she was that young, and agree that 16 is a better age to wait for. I think that the Netherlands are spot on when it comes to sexuality and parenting. I remember a high school friend who's boyfriend was aloud to sleep over. They were Dutch, and moved to the US when she was in elementary school. I remember her dad had been a well-known singer (pop I think) back in his day. I was the one sneaking around, and had an abortion at age 16. Sex wasn't a topic brought up in my household.

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