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What shall we use to fill the empty spaces where we used to talk?

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:08 PM
  • 13 Replies
1 mom liked this

(Fifty Cool Points to you if you get the song reference in my title.)


I have to step away from the computer and get some shit done before my entire house falls in on itself.





Try not to kill each other while I'm gone.



Here, read this.  I wrote it.  I'm an attention whore.

Holiday Kiosk Snipers!

UGH!  They GOT me.  *collapses melodramatically*

I was at the mall with the spawn, heading toward the exit when a woman approached me and asked me where I was from.  I never should have made eye contact, but she wasn't standing right near her kiosk, so I was caught completely off guard by her interesting use of such an ancient pick-up line.  She got me.  I answered, "I'm local."  She asked me if I had a good hair straightener (I flat ironed my hair today, a mistake I won't be making again) and beckoned me over to her little shop of horrors.  I blame being hungry and tired on my inability to say no to this woman, for I followed her like an obedient lap dog.  You would have thought she had enticed me with a fistful of bacon.
Mmm...bacon.

She led me to her stand, where I thought I'd hear a little blurb about how great this new hair straightener is and instead I found myself with a glob of Dead Sea Salt Exfoliant on my hand.  
"Rub dat een", she said very quickly in a very thick accent whose origin I couldn't quite place.  

Holding my hand over a white plastic bowl, she played twenty questions with me, asking me my name, how old I was, if I had a husband, how long we've been married and whether or not I was gainfully employed.  Oh, she was good, this one.  She had me right where she wanted me: wet and trapped.  She had a towel hidden there somewhere, I know, but I couldn't see it and I wasn't to keen on the idea of walking off with one hand covered in Dead Sea Salt, so I remained her captive customer.  She then showed the children and me how terrific this product was as she hosed my hand off with a squirt bottle of water.  

Then it got gross.

She laughed with the children as she told us how NASTY Mommy was and how "she needs a shower", while surveying the depths of the white plastic bowl which was now full of my dead skin.  

Um...ick...and WHAT?!  Did she just say that, really? 
I think we were all a little taken aback that she actually said those words in her sales pitch.  "Nasty" and "needs a shower".  Yup.  Well, that'll sell a bundle of this shit, right?  Absolutely.  Give me 100 units!

I was offered a few backhanded compliments for my trouble: "Your oily skin is a gift from God."   My what is a huh??   

Mesmerized by this woman and her accent, I stayed planted on the spot to listen to what else she found hideous about my apparently troll-like skin and greasy, gunk-filled pores, while my children stood by and helplessly watched the drama unfold, their eyes big as saucers.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.  I had accepted her free presentation with good humor and didn't bloody her lip when she basically told me I was too grotesque to be walking around with normal people.  It was time to end this before one of us got hurt.  

In an effort to bring about the end of my Trial by Esthetics, I asked, "How much?"

I don't know how they train these people for this stuff, but they do have a knack for it. We got the rundown of a professional salesclerk and were told that the skin of a princess could be ALL MINE for the "low price" of $250.  Jeebus, for THAT, I could buy actual princess skin and make myself a princess suit!  

She sensed my apprehension and suddenly, as if by magic, the Discount Gnome came along and bippity boppidy booped the entire line of skin care down to $125.  I don't know HOW she did it!  Amazing!

Still too pricey for my blood, I declined to purchase her wares.  Now, maybe her brother needed a new kidney or maybe it was costing her too much to keep fuzzy Uggs on her little feetsies this winter, because she REALLY wanted me to buy this stuff.  She was so intent on making the sale, that she whipped out that magical Discount Gnome again and this time the price poofed from $125 to a mere $39.99 for two of the four miracle working products with the additional promise that I could come back tomorrow and get the other two for $15 off the price.  Wait, what?  Was that $15 off the original price or off the discounted price? 


Ah, forget it.  Doesn't matter anyway.  Somehow I managed to peel myself from her evil clutches and escape with my children, my one soft arm and what was left of my dignity.  

While I was at the store, I bought a jar of really good smelling dead sea salt exfoliant and a bottle of lotion.
Twelve dollah.


Eff you, Kiosk Sniper.

ETA:  I Googled "dead sea salt scrub" and found the product Kiosk Sniper was pushing.  This is it.  OBEY YOUR BODY


Look at the price Amazon is selling them for. 


Now I just feel cheap.

Current CM Rank:      Queen of AWESOME


FOLLOW THE AWESOME @ RandomNinja - Writer of Wrongs

by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tatiana7
by Princess on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:15 PM
Can we at least cuss?

Lmfao!!!
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ErikaRobin
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:24 PM


Quoting Tatiana7:

Can we at least cuss?

Lmfao!!!

No!  I forbids it! 


I will edit in my last blog post to keep you busy.  Someone requested that I share it with the NC. 

Current CM Rank:      Queen of AWESOME


FOLLOW THE AWESOME @ RandomNinja - Writer of Wrongs

Tatiana7
by Princess on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:52 PM
Very nice!! I'm a former sales person and I LOATHE kiosks. Haaaaate them. Never sold from one but O. M. G!!!!

I have Princess skin already *points to name next to my NC rank*

Yeah, I have purchased some before....but I got the "spechul gyft syze
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Rena1999
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:56 PM
Hahaaha bump
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
roseberrymatrix
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:01 PM
1 mom liked this

I fell for that once. 

When she put it on my hand I started screaming and flailing in 'pain'.

I even managed to force tears. 

I don't think they'll forget me.

lv.42.dy
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:04 PM

 my mom was stopped last year at chirstmas time...before she knew it she was buying $400 worth of mica bella...I buy the makeup online at a quarter of the price. I grabbed my mom and yelled at the lady for taking advantage of "an elderly widow" she apologized and we went on our way....so I thought.  my mom went back and bought $200 worth of crap because she felt sorry for the lady.

Tatiana7
by Princess on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:05 PM
"and the Academy award goes to......"

*drumroll*

"Roseberrymatrix!!!!!"

*applause*


Quoting roseberrymatrix:

I fell for that once. 

When she put it on my hand I started screaming and flailing in 'pain'.

I even managed to force tears. 

I don't think they'll forget me.

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SecretKeeper574
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:07 PM
Those people drive me NUTS! It seems like that little gnome gets whipped out often.... Because here in Anchorage, Alaska I was offered a bunch of that shit "a $500 value!" for the low low price of $99. lol

That can't take no for an answer so I either ignore them or I just say "NO TIME!" and zoom by. lol
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ErikaRobin
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:27 PM


Quoting SecretKeeper574:

Those people drive me NUTS! It seems like that little gnome gets whipped out often.... Because here in Anchorage, Alaska I was offered a bunch of that shit "a $500 value!" for the low low price of $99. lol

That can't take no for an answer so I either ignore them or I just say "NO TIME!" and zoom by. lol

That's what I should have done, too.  

"No time!"

"No time!"

"No time!"


I got this.

Current CM Rank:      Queen of AWESOME


FOLLOW THE AWESOME @ RandomNinja - Writer of Wrongs

ErikaRobin
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:28 PM

Can I have some of your princess skin?  I may want to clone you.

Quoting Tatiana7:

Very nice!! I'm a former sales person and I LOATHE kiosks. Haaaaate them. Never sold from one but O. M. G!!!!

I have Princess skin already *points to name next to my NC rank*

Yeah, I have purchased some before....but I got the "spechul gyft syze


Current CM Rank:      Queen of AWESOME


FOLLOW THE AWESOME @ RandomNinja - Writer of Wrongs

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