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You Got Jokes??! *Contest*

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:09 PM
  • 23 Replies
C'mon, ladies.. Share your favorite joke, quote, insight, story, whatever.. Just make us *LAUGH* Whoever gets the most "Likes" wins! P.S.~ There is no prize, only bragging rights ;)
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by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:09 PM
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Replies (1-10):
.Angel.Eyes.
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:11 PM

BUMP!

TIFFANYT1432
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:21 PM
Fine, no one's in the mood to entertain me :(( lol
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Kaybean
by Kayleen on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:22 PM
Why did the tomato blush?

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KaitelynnesMom
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:24 PM
4 moms liked this

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


 Pregnancy Ticker
 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
Kayla, Momma to Kaitelynne my big girl.. Elijah my sweet baby who was given his wings... and the new baby on the way

autumearth
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 6:04 PM
9 moms liked this

 

Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it.

He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.

She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"

orcadarwin
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 6:07 PM
7 moms liked this

The Chili........
>
> I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
> course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
> prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
> definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
> point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
> that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
>
>
>
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
> of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
> "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
> through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
> morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and
> lightning.
>
>
>
> Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when,
> I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I
> often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
>
>
>
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
> and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
> until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
> pain hit me.
> Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
> referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at
> the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
>
>
>
> The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
> In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
> intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
> could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
> sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
>
>
>
> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
> in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
> was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
> Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
> body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
> woman turned into it.
>
>
>
> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
> would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
> walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
> directions emotionally ? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
> least will be able to relate.
>
>
>
> I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
> walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
> terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
> was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though
> trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
> but then made me laugh. Mistake.
>
>
>
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped
> down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
> burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
> was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
> someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
>

> Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
> through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
> way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
> place.
>
>
>
> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
> the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my
> *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
> the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a
> gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.
>
>
>
> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
> intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
> me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
> appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
> going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
> take care of the problem."
>
>
>
> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
> The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",
> then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
> unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
> to return.
>
>
>
> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to
> eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
> went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we
> are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have
> to repaint the store..

amyrw
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 6:09 PM
1 mom liked this
I did a post called "you got jokes?" Last night, I'll have to go get my jokes out of my post and put them here if that's cool. I'll only share jokes I posted and none other members shared.
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amyrw
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 6:15 PM
3 moms liked this
2 old women living in a nursing home are outside smoking in the rain. One takes a condom out of her pocket and puts it over her cigarette. The other asks "why did you do that" and she replies "so my cigarette doesn't get wet in the rain". Thinking this was a good idea the other lady goes to the pharmacy and asks the cashier for condoms."what kind do you need" he asks. She replies "it doesn't matter as long as it'll fit a camel"
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amyrw
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 6:16 PM
5 moms liked this

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.


“Mother, where do babies come from?”


The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”


The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.


“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”


“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
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AnitaVersion2.0
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 7:47 PM
2 moms liked this

A chemist and a lawyer walk into a bar.  The chemist says, "I'll have H2O please."  The lawyer, wanting to sound smart, says, "I'll have H2O, too."  The men finish their drinks and the lawyer dies.

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