Just need to let it all out (vent--language)
So...my husband and I have been hit or miss with getting along. we're nice to each other...but he makes me feel like he doesnt love me anymore. You know that thing some people say..."Feed me....fuck me....love me and Im a happy person"? Yea...I just get the 2nd thing. My husband doesnt show me the same kind of affection that he used to. He care more about his games (video and computer) than he does me. he only really talks to me when he wants sex or to find out what Im cooking for dinner. he doesnt pick up after himself, he smokes fake weed in the house (hes smoked real weed in the house before and that was when we had just our son and our son is a severe asthmatic!).
the crap i deal with in our relationship i wouldnt have put up with when i was in HS/beginning college. AFter my ex, i lowered my standards. As long as the person i got with didnt mentally abuse me or beat me and didnt keep me from my friends and family I told myself id be at least mostly happy. But my husband.....idk. He irks me. Hes like an overgrown kid. Now granted...im not the most mature of girls. But I know when I need to act my age. Im the one who takes care of both my son (4y) and my daughter (4m). I have to beg my husband to take the kids for an hr when he gets home so I can shower or fold laundry or whatever. I dont get to watch my shows unless the kids are asleep. I dont get a break.
I havent bothered asking my mom to watch Corbin and Cambria because she is always taking care of my nieces. My sister and her 2 girls live with my mom. My sister pays attention to her girls when she has to. and to top it off shes 2 1/2 months pregnant with her 3rd child (plus she has 2 angel babies). And my nieces are heathens! My oldest niece has pulled a butcher knife on her little sister (who is 4), has punched my son, smacked her sister in the mouth with a Wii controler, punched my mom, kicked my step-dad...you get the point. And everytime she does it she says "BUT I DIDNT MEAN TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and my sister just make her say "sorry" (which is always a half-assed sorry). Doesnt take anything away...doesnt punish her. Its aggrivating. I dont let my son go there cause I dont want him being abused by my niece!!!!!!
Most days i LOVE being a mom. Dont get me wrong. But theres days where i would love to get a break. even an hour or 2. Just disappear and know that while Im gone the kids will be well taken care of (while theyre awake). My son just went back to school today (after a 20 day winter break) and I havent had but a 45min break from it and that was yesterday. And my husband called me 4 times in that 45 minutes while i was food shopping.
Im over it. We cant afford my anti-depressants...cant afford insurance...but make too much for me to be on medicaid (but luckly my kids are on medicaid). Im depressed...im anger...all i wanna do is cry. Ive started to SI again but my husband doesnt know. he doesnt realize how unhappy I am despite many (failed) attempts to explain it to him. And the anti-depressants I have arent strong enough. *sigh*
if you read this far...thank you....I just needed to get it all out
A Front-facing, ASL using, baby-wearing, spanking, CIO, circing, anti-leash, pitbull loving, pierced, tattooed, proud mama to Corbin Sage (1/3/08) and a beautiful baby girl...Cambria Seraph (9/10/11).