AGE ADDED!!! I'm going to FREAKIN' lose it!!!

[cgarlic]

HELP! I might as well start by saying I truely do care about my SS so this isnt a post bashing him I just want people to understand what we go through on a daily basis. I'm asking for advice, however, wont accept let his dad take care of him. Yes I know he is DH's child, but we parent 1 family not 2 (3 kids total). Any advice is helpful because I'm at my wits end. *sidenote: he lived with his BM most of his life & DH just got full custody January 2011*

1) he doesnt understand the importance of hygiene; he doesnt know how to wipe his behind properly (barely does it), brush his teeth, wash his face/body, brush his hair (I have shown him & done it for him except the wiping). He told me no one ever taught him how to do these things!

2) he just started using utensils when he moved in with DH, but still doesnt know how to cut food (we have repeatly shown him).

3) he needs to be told repeatly how to get ready in the morning (cant follow beyond 1 step directions)

4) 90% of the time he talks, its a lie to the point that he doesnt know how to tell the truth (bm is famous for not being able to keep a story straight). Example: he was told to put clothes in the washer & he did (we didnt realize until later), but when asked later he said he didnt so he got in "trouble" & told to do it now. He went to the laundry area & preceded to tell us he couldnt find his clothes. Then when asked where he put them he said in the washer. Huh?

5) he will not respond to you unless you raise your voice (which I told him I dont like doing)

6) he is a pretty smart kid except for language arts which includes spelling that he has a very hard time with. We didnt make a big deal out of his failing grade due to this. Until we find out he only failed because he doesnt do his hw. Two of his weekly assigments are to keep his binder neat & make up a story based on a specific topic in his journal, HE DOESNT DO IT! He lies about assignments & its to the point his teacher has to sign his book to make sure he writes them down. Yesterday the initals looked strangely close to his handwritting, he says he had a sub, but doesnt remember her name.

This is just the tip of the iceberg! I would love to have a good, positive relationship with him, but he makes it very hard. Please take a guess of how old SS is????? I will update with age later.

He is 11 (12 in Oct). I didnt want to tell his age at first because I wanted to see if it was "normal" behavior for boys of a certain age group. I brought a girl into the relationship so I'm clueless about boys.

[incognito116]

Is he in counseling?

[.betty.white.]

Ok, you have a 13 year old that doesn't understand hygiene and how to use basic utensils...  I"m guessing it is the product of mental slowness or deep abuse..  And if that is the case then you MUST have patients and look at it like someone with a disability because they really can't help it.  I suggest counseling all around.  

[weezer_cookie]

Sounds to me like you've tried everything, but he might need professional help. Ever considered a family therapist?

[mom2ljh]

How old is he? Has he had a psychological evaluation? It sounds like there is something going on with him. The kinds of things you said he lies about just don't make sense (not saying you're lying; I'm saying it seems something isn't right). Anyhow, having an evaluation could be beneficial. Good luck. I know that has to be frustrating.

[HaileysMommy130]

Im just taking a guess he's 8? I think he needs some kind if couseling.

[Islandmom2boys]

8?

Wow, it looks like you have your hands full. I wish I had advice, but mine are still young and I have no step children. So hugs and a bump.

[cgarlic]

I've been telling DH this. We havent even been married that long, I have only been in SS's life since Aug 2010.

Quoting incognito116:

Is he in counseling?

[midnight_storm]

Have you thought about therapy? Maybe have him tested for learning disabilities?

[incognito116]

My son has minor issues compared to yours but we have him seeing a child psychologist now because we don't want his issues to turn into something bigger as he gets older. It's nothing to be ashamed of (not that you would be but it took awhile to convince my DH as well.)

Quoting cgarlic:

I've been telling DH this. We havent even been married that long, I have only been in SS's life since Aug 2010.

Quoting incognito116:

Is he in counseling?

[LadyFreeRider]

Its difficult not knowing his age when trying to give advice. Like pp Im going to say somewhere between 10-13? Be patient and try to remember that you are trying to correct years worth of behavioral issues that have been ingrained in him. Thats not something that can change over night or even in a month. Its a work in progress. When giving him instructions to do something, try doing it one step at a time. I.E. When you want him to clean his room...first put all the dirty clothes in the laundry. Let him do that. Then hang up/fold all clean clothes. Let him do that...and so on until its done. Concerning the grades...I had that same problem with my 13 yo SS. I finally put him in football (something he really wanted to do) and then told him that if he failed his classes he wouldnt play. He has kept his grades up since he started football. They need some motivation.