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Apparently giving birth is selfish

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So I went to a business dinner with my husband that included a few men from his firm and their wives/so to welcome a new partner.  Since I'd never met the new guys wife before myself and some others were making polite conversation and i asked if she had any children.  She replied they had 2 daughters from China and a son from Russia, she showed us a picture from her purse and told us a bit about them.  I mentioned that they were adorable and that my aunt also had a daughter from China, because she couldn't conceive (i was not insinuating that was her issue at al) She said "ohh no no no. I'm fully fertile.  We just feel with so many homeless, starving children in the world it is just very selfish to have children.  There are too many that need good homes and yet people just keep bringing more children in to a world of limited resources.  Its just awful" At this point every person at the table kind of silenced.  Her husband tried to kin of smooth it over and turned it a little sayig like Oh she means you know more people keep having kids they can't care for its so sad.  She cut him right off and said "no I mean no one in general should be creating children when there are so many out there that need help.It's just so selfish and it's so egotistical how people think they have to mark their territory on the world by planting their seed" AWKWARD! 

Listen I get what she is saying and I think adoption is wonderful..but who the hell says having your own kids is selfish and egotistical? Sorry bitch but we have 2 gorgeous children we made and raise and are working on #3..if that makes me a selfish, egotistical resource waster so be it! lol

Her husband who is technically one of my husband's bosses approached everyone  today who was there and personally apologized and said he had hoped his wifes comments did not offend anyone.  My husband of course said no problem at all...but you can bet they all think this chick is a crazy bitch. 

by on Feb. 16, 2012 at 10:07 PM
Replies (701-710):
KellySunshine
by on Feb. 21, 2012 at 11:24 PM

Everyone's choice and method to start and expand a family is a sacred one to them alone. No one can tell you that.

I understand your beliefs though, I wish you much blessing in your own US foster/adoption(s).

Quoting kitty8199:

Yes they do but I feel like people should start at home.

Quoting KellySunshine:

Except the world in significantly more than the US...the agencies are not "manufacturing" children..those pictures are all real children in orphanages. All children in this world are deserving of loving parents....in the US and out.


Quoting kitty8199:

I honestly feel like there are too many kids in foster care to adopt from an agency if she really wants to "save the world". Adopt from foster care in the US.



Nina924
by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 1:03 AM

To: Kellysunshine

My post did mot say that ALL adoptions should be form the U.S., just more. (only because all I usually hear about  adoptions from other countries)   I would love to adopt some day.  I'm currently pregnant and it would not be fair to either child to do so right now. It is afterall about the children. 

lifelove
by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 4:22 AM

Good point!

sweetmom28
by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 6:23 AM
1 mom liked this

As the mother of 8 I have encountered the "selfish" remark too and what I always think about immediately is how unselfish I am for giving all of my time to the task of caring for my large family! How can I be selfish for giving my life to the task of raising the next generation? This woman apparently has her own hangups about children and global resources. I always get miffed by this crowd for they take common sense completely out of the mix because it is easy to see that our world is a very large planet with vast untouched open spaces. Haven't they heard that the world's entire population could fit in one large US city! Even though we do not want to crowd together this way, it proves our planet can house and sustain far more people. I get really miffed by people who try to say that children do not have a place or that parents should not be having them. Our personal legacy is valuable, there is nothing wrong to want to pass this on to our own children first and then if we feel our hearts leading us to care for more, then an adoption might be an option. When we care for children, we are working toward a better society in the future, no matter where the children came from.

kitty8199
by Ruby Member on Feb. 22, 2012 at 9:10 AM
When I am in a position where I can I plan on fostering. I've already looked into it. Going through CPS seems pretty easy. House check, background check, talk to friends and family-boom got a kid.

Quoting KellySunshine:

Everyone's choice and method to start and expand a family is a sacred one to them alone. No one can tell you that.

I understand your beliefs though, I wish you much blessing in your own US foster/adoption(s).


Quoting kitty8199:

Yes they do but I feel like people should start at home.



Quoting KellySunshine:

Except the world in significantly more than the US...the agencies are not "manufacturing" children..those pictures are all real children in orphanages. All children in this world are deserving of loving parents....in the US and out.



Quoting kitty8199:

I honestly feel like there are too many kids in foster care to adopt from an agency if she really wants to "save the world". Adopt from foster care in the US.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
redress
by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 11:15 AM

Just glad that folks like you, geria09, did NOT adopt. there is a little child out there that is thanking their lucky stars. your's would have been the house of horrors for that little one...

you remind me of a charles dickens character...

Quoting KPNJ2009:

You have heard horror stories? Give me a break, thank god most people don't base their life decisions on stories "they have heard". Tragedy can occur whether people are blood related or not. To say that a child that is adopted would always feel like a stranger living among "us"..right there you create a "them and an us"..of course the child will not feel a part of the family since you already have made that separation.

I have a biological daughter, she looks absolutely nothing like me. Yes my body grew her and I birthed her, but if I didn't see it myself I may have doubted she was biologically mine. What about the parents that can't physically bear children? What about the ones that use a surrogate? Or the ones with sperm donors?Or the ones that adopt? Would those children always feel as though they dont belong in the family? Like any children  (adopted or otherwise) they will go through an identity phase during their lifetime but a stable loving environment can overcome many barriers, including ignorance from adults.

Quoting Geria09:

You know where this comes from.....extreme left-wing environmentalist who have set their own doomsday clock, lol.  It's funny how the Christian right-wingers are condemned for their religious doomsday beliefs....talk about irony! 

I am a mother of a 4 yr old son and his dad and I never wanted to adopt.  Sorry to say, but the child would always feel like a stranger living among us.  I have heard horror stories of adopted older children assaulting (sexual and/or physical) biological children.  In some cases, these children would kill the parents and/or biological children.  Of course those are rare case, but I think it's frightening nonetheless. 



ChloeDolce
by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 11:43 AM

LOVE THIS. 

Quoting sweetmom28:

As the mother of 8 I have encountered the "selfish" remark too and what I always think about immediately is how unselfish I am for giving all of my time to the task of caring for my large family! How can I be selfish for giving my life to the task of raising the next generation? This woman apparently has her own hangups about children and global resources. I always get miffed by this crowd for they take common sense completely out of the mix because it is easy to see that our world is a very large planet with vast untouched open spaces. Haven't they heard that the world's entire population could fit in one large US city! Even though we do not want to crowd together this way, it proves our planet can house and sustain far more people. I get really miffed by people who try to say that children do not have a place or that parents should not be having them. Our personal legacy is valuable, there is nothing wrong to want to pass this on to our own children first and then if we feel our hearts leading us to care for more, then an adoption might be an option. When we care for children, we are working toward a better society in the future, no matter where the children came from.


memoriesmade
by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 11:53 AM
1 mom liked this

   People love to ride on thier high horses, until they fall off. In my opinion, there are enough resources, it's just that so many of them are wasted and don't get shared evenly. I have 5 of my own and had thought about adopting at one point for the same reason, then I found out how much it costs and I just don't have that kind of money. I do however have lots of love to give and my kids, biological or not. I hope they will make the world a better place.. Adopting is a great thing but let's be honest, a lot of adopted kids will have issues so you have to be prepared with extra love and attention and resources. I don't know how anyone could be a good mom and be selfish, biological or not. This judgemental lady will get a wake up call someday. 

inspain
by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 11:55 AM

I know two women like that.  One I met just recently.  They both have issues that go well beyond the kid thing.  And what stuns me is their utter lack of consideration when expounding to others on their ideas. 

Yes, there are tons of kids available for adoption, but I am under no moral or ethical obligation to adopt any of them. 


KellySunshine
by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 9:16 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes, as do we as well....but I am not sure I would call it "easy". You have to meet with a foster social worker, child social worker, GAL, and adoption social worker every single month The inital process is 8 weekends of classes, 2 - 3 homevisits, background checks, financial forms, Dr appts, etc. It not only takes 6 - 8 months to complete, but has to be renewed every year...but you do get a monthly stipend, so money is not an issue to do it.

Our son had 9 appointments this week and have 14 hours of foster training Thurs/Fri. My husband and I actually work full time and are pretty much working an average of 20 hours a week right now with all the appointments, school issues, and emotional trantrums (they last hours at a time) and making up work in the evenings to compensate.

We have a 9 year boy for foster/adopt with Aspergers, complex trauma, PTSD, Emotional Disturbance, Reactive Attachment Issues. His appointments for neuroofeedback are 140 miles RT, twice a week. We are trying a new experimental neurofeedback therapy to control trauma tantrums.

Good for you going to foster and adopt, great to see that...but people do what is best for them and their family, and that is not always domestic adoption.There are many factors to consider and when you get your foster child(ren), you will realize the commitment and care it takes...always wonderful in the end, but hard day to day. Adoptive moms have very valid and sacred reasons to choice their children.

We could not have taken a child with sexual issues (as we have other children) or extensive sibling groups due to room nor were we open to either gender because of emotional issues in our daughter. We were able fortunately this time to take a child that is required to be the  youngest, but not the ones that required them to be the only child. Before that was not an option as we wanted more children. This time we are ok with this being our last. We also required a child that had parental rights removed in court. We could not allow our other adoptive children to deal with bonding and loss unnecessarily.

If we had not proactively found a child in our area with those criteria on AdoptionExchange, we probably would have been asked to be placed with children they needed immediate homes for verses someone who will work within our current family structure. We had to call the social workers every week and reintroduce ourselves for 3 months to get considered for him...I would not really call the domestic process "easy".

I am glad you are going to foster and adopt at some point in the future...but honestly, I would not really hold that firm belief on that "take care of our own" opinion for others until you have done that yourself.

Blessings on your future adoption.





Quoting kitty8199:

When I am in a position where I can I plan on fostering. I've already looked into it. Going through CPS seems pretty easy. House check, background check, talk to friends and family-boom got a kid.

Quoting KellySunshine:

Everyone's choice and method to start and expand a family is a sacred one to them alone. No one can tell you that.

I understand your beliefs though, I wish you much blessing in your own US foster/adoption(s).


Quoting kitty8199:

Yes they do but I feel like people should start at home.



Quoting KellySunshine:

Except the world in significantly more than the US...the agencies are not "manufacturing" children..those pictures are all real children in orphanages. All children in this world are deserving of loving parents....in the US and out.



Quoting kitty8199:

I honestly feel like there are too many kids in foster care to adopt from an agency if she really wants to "save the world". Adopt from foster care in the US.




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