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Poll

Question: Have you ever stayed in a relationship after being hit/beat?

Options:

I stayed and it happened

I gave them a second chance and it hasn't happened since

I left the first time it happened.

I've never been in that type of relationship

Other


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 97

View Results

 I have a friend that's been in an on again off again relationship with this douche bag. To make a long story short, he hits her, they break up. He's "sorry" and they get back together. Well he went to jail in October for beating her and they were broken up for a while. She was going through a custody battle for kids, and everyone was proud of her for putting her children first and not taking him back this time. She finally got her kids back in January. We live in different states, but we used to talk almost daily. Well I haven't heard much from her in the past month. I figured it was because she's been busy with her kids. Wrong. I just found out that she is actually back with that piece of shit! After repeatedly beating her, she now has him living with her and her children. Of Course she hasn't told me this, she knows how I feel about that loser. I know I can't do anything about it, but it just makes me so angry that she would put herself and children in danger. She is just so stupid! I don't get it why someone would take someone back that beats them. Are  you that blind to think that they really love you? Nobody deserves to be hit, ever!

by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 7:36 PM
Replies (31-38):
Karasmomma2007
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 8:15 PM

 I'm so sorry that happened to you. But in your defence, you were very young. I get that people make mistakes, and when you love somebody you hope and pray that they will change, especially when you have children with them. But when it happens over and over and over, its got to get to a point when you need to realise that that's not love.

Quoting 2love:

I got married at 17 because I had already had a child in high school so I got married when I found out I was pregnant so as not to upset my parents. Two weeks after. Getting married he threw a ironing boaRd at me. .. we would go months without physical fights then there would be a episode. I didn't want to fail so bad and stayed for 3 years. .. in the midst of it my kids were watching. The last episode he tried to hit me in our family car after he jumped on me and I said I would walk to my moms house. .. most dramatic life of my life. I stayed because I thought I was doing right. In the end my kids have mental scars from what they saw and I will live with a guilt that is unforgivable . Your friend may be doing what she thinks is right. . The more people tell her he's bad for her,he tells her theyre doing it because theyre jealous or don't want to see her happy. And she believes him .


2love
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 8:21 PM
My goal was. .. if I live to see 21 I'm leaving. My parents still to this day think I was making things up. Yet his sister apologised for him. I'm 23 and I left a couple of weeks before my 21 birthday. I learned one thing. .. love is never pain. She may learn or she may not. After seeing women leave the womens shelter to go back with their abusers I think its different for each person. No two victims aRe the same.

Quoting Karasmomma2007:

 I'm so sorry that happened to you. But in your defence, you were very young. I get that people make mistakes, and when you love somebody you hope and pray that they will change, especially when you have children with them. But when it happens over and over and over, its got to get to a point when you need to realise that that's not love.

Quoting 2love:

I got married at 17 because I had already had a child in high school so I got married when I found out I was pregnant so as not to upset my parents. Two weeks after. Getting married he threw a ironing boaRd at me. .. we would go months without physical fights then there would be a episode. I didn't want to fail so bad and stayed for 3 years. .. in the midst of it my kids were watching. The last episode he tried to hit me in our family car after he jumped on me and I said I would walk to my moms house. .. most dramatic life of my life. I stayed because I thought I was doing right. In the end my kids have mental scars from what they saw and I will live with a guilt that is unforgivable . Your friend may be doing what she thinks is right. . The more people tell her he's bad for her,he tells her theyre doing it because theyre jealous or don't want to see her happy. And she believes him .


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
kemmerer411
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 8:22 PM
I was in an abusive relationship before I met my husband.

I stayed and was beat all the time. I don't know why I did it! I'd never do it again!! The end was when I had to have him arrested for choking me and beating me.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
RmeWifey01
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 8:24 PM

In my 1st marriage I left after the first beating for 3 mths.. Then took him back b/c of pressure from my church. Then he beat me again and that was it. We were together 3 (well minus the 3 mths it was 2.9) yrs.but it took 7 more yrs for him to finally sign the divorce papers. I have been remarried for 11 yrs now. He has been remarried for about 8 or 9, and his wife smacks him around. Lol Guess he got what he had coming.

If your friend is going to put this dirtbag before her kids then she needs to have them removed from the both of them. There is no logical reason to let kids grow up in that environment. He will probably kill her or all of them sooner or later.

DAHLONEGAMOMMY
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 8:29 PM
2 moms liked this

You have to look at the situation from a different view. You and I can sit here and say that we would be gone and would never put up with it. We can say we would never go back. However, abuse doesnt just rear its ugly head once and out of the blue. Spousal abuse is a slow process of emotional neglect and training. It always starts out with the SO getting overly angry about something then making the other person feel that its their fault that the man was upset. They slowly wear your natural defenses down little by little. First its angry reactions to minor offenses. Then, it becomes insults and accusation of inadequacy. The abusive partner takes control of finances, self esteem, and quality of life from the other person. They are master manipulators. They use the woman's genuine love to control her. They say things like, "If you loved me you would do this right. If you love me, you wouldnt make me hit you! Why cant you follow simple things that make me happy. If you did it this way we wouldnt have a problem." Over time the abused person begins to feel like its all her fault and becomes convinced she really is the problem. Then the physical begins. They hit you and the shame alone makes them hide the truth from others. When your family finally does know, you have been enduring it far more than they know in silence. Few women have the skills to be independent and capable of caring for their family on their own because they have been controlled and conditioned to believe that they cant do it. Abuse is far more than a punch or a hit. Abuse is conditional training and manipulation. By the time a woman gets to the physical stage, her self-esteem, confidence, and abilities to be independent have been so eroded that they dont even see the options anymore. Fear is a powerful motivator. Control is an ultimate weapon. It simply isnt all black and white. Usually, its only those who have the courage to admit the abuse and actively seek therapy that will ever break free. Even with this guy in jail, he still has control over her through fear and manipulation. 

You said yourself that she would not tell you he was back because she knew you would not like it. This is precisely why they dont tell. They fear being judged. If you want to help her, dont judge her. Tell her you are there for her no matter what. Let her know that she always has a place to go. Dont insult or accuse her of making bad choices. She probably doesnt understand it herself. If you want to be able to help you have to be willing to be her friend even when you dont like her decisions. Her husband is no dummy. He also knows that the more she takes him back is also the more she will isolate herself from anyone who might offer to help her. This is what he wants. He leaves her with himself being the only person she has in her life and this ensures she wont leave. He does more than hit. He has turned her into his robot and the best you can do is never leave her alone. It has to be her decision to get out. Until she does, you can either be her friend and be there for her or you can walk away and leave her to deal with alone. Either way, she wont leave until she lets go. Build up her self esteem instead of tearing down her abuser or her decision to stay with the abuse. The more you convince her that she is perfectly capable of going on in life without him is also the more she will start to see that she doesnt have to take it anymore. Alienate her and she will endure it alone. 

Karasmomma2007
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 9:08 PM

 I do know this, that's why I came here to vent instead of letting her know that I know about them. She is not married to this "man" nor does she have children with him. He was technically her rebound guy when she left her husband. When her ex took the children, this newer guy used her emotional state to his advantage. They've been together on and off for a little over a year now. The first time he hit her, I confronted him and he actually cried. He was soooo sorry, would never do it again.. blah blah blah. Every time hes done it, he doesn't blame her. He blames being too drunk, took too many pills, was too stressed etc... He has no job. The year that they've been together, he's had like 5 different jobs but always gets fired for not showing up because he wanted to party instead. He has no financial hold on her, no kids holding her back. I don't get why she stays. I'm trying to be supportive for her, but its almost impossible while they are together. She doesn't talk to me when she's with him. But I am always, and will always be there for her to pick up the pieces. I'm afraid hes going to kill her though. The last time he almost did.

Quoting DAHLONEGAMOMMY:

You have to look at the situation from a different view. You and I can sit here and say that we would be gone and would never put up with it. We can say we would never go back. However, abuse doesnt just rear its ugly head once and out of the blue. Spousal abuse is a slow process of emotional neglect and training. It always starts out with the SO getting overly angry about something then making the other person feel that its their fault that the man was upset. They slowly wear your natural defenses down little by little. First its angry reactions to minor offenses. Then, it becomes insults and accusation of inadequacy. The abusive partner takes control of finances, self esteem, and quality of life from the other person. They are master manipulators. They use the woman's genuine love to control her. They say things like, "If you loved me you would do this right. If you love me, you wouldnt make me hit you! Why cant you follow simple things that make me happy. If you did it this way we wouldnt have a problem." Over time the abused person begins to feel like its all her fault and becomes convinced she really is the problem. Then the physical begins. They hit you and the shame alone makes them hide the truth from others. When your family finally does know, you have been enduring it far more than they know in silence. Few women have the skills to be independent and capable of caring for their family on their own because they have been controlled and conditioned to believe that they cant do it. Abuse is far more than a punch or a hit. Abuse is conditional training and manipulation. By the time a woman gets to the physical stage, her self-esteem, confidence, and abilities to be independent have been so eroded that they dont even see the options anymore. Fear is a powerful motivator. Control is an ultimate weapon. It simply isnt all black and white. Usually, its only those who have the courage to admit the abuse and actively seek therapy that will ever break free. Even with this guy in jail, he still has control over her through fear and manipulation. 

You said yourself that she would not tell you he was back because she knew you would not like it. This is precisely why they dont tell. They fear being judged. If you want to help her, dont judge her. Tell her you are there for her no matter what. Let her know that she always has a place to go. Dont insult or accuse her of making bad choices. She probably doesnt understand it herself. If you want to be able to help you have to be willing to be her friend even when you dont like her decisions. Her husband is no dummy. He also knows that the more she takes him back is also the more she will isolate herself from anyone who might offer to help her. This is what he wants. He leaves her with himself being the only person she has in her life and this ensures she wont leave. He does more than hit. He has turned her into his robot and the best you can do is never leave her alone. It has to be her decision to get out. Until she does, you can either be her friend and be there for her or you can walk away and leave her to deal with alone. Either way, she wont leave until she lets go. Build up her self esteem instead of tearing down her abuser or her decision to stay with the abuse. The more you convince her that she is perfectly capable of going on in life without him is also the more she will start to see that she doesnt have to take it anymore. Alienate her and she will endure it alone. 


wildlilacs
by on Mar. 2, 2012 at 10:35 PM
He has her so convinced that she is unworthy of real love, no one can love her like he does. No other man will look at her, want her, shes single w kids, no man in his right mind would put up w that. He can take care of her, look, hes trying to work but cant help it if boss/coworkers are against him. He was there for her when her ex took kids away, see, other men wouldnt do that....its BS like this hes telling her, hes manipulating her, feeding her fears and guilt, yes, guilt. Its her fault this or that happened...
She needs to build up her self esteem, she needs to break off all contact and leave, but does she have the inner srength to do it. She needs counseling.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
DAHLONEGAMOMMY
by on Mar. 3, 2012 at 4:07 AM

She is lucky to have you. You have every right to worry and want her out of the situation. I just dont think you will be able to convince her if his abuse hasnt already. You are a great friend to stand by. To anyone looking in on the situation it would be hard to understand why she stays. I am sure she has given herself all kinds of reason for why she stays. Like I said, fear is a powerful motivator. I am so sorry you have to watch this happening to your friend. I do know what it is like to sit  helplessly by as someone you care about subjects herself to the abuse of an obviously violent person. I wish I had the answer for you. I didnt mean to sound judgemental in my response. However, years of volunteering with causes that aid women in these situations has taught me that the worst thing people can do is abandon someone in this type of relationship. One person can often make the difference. Bless you hon. If you need someone to talk to, by all means. I know you are scared for her. I would be too. Unfortunately, its got to be her decision. It is so sad. 

Quoting Karasmomma2007:

 I do know this, that's why I came here to vent instead of letting her know that I know about them. She is not married to this "man" nor does she have children with him. He was technically her rebound guy when she left her husband. When her ex took the children, this newer guy used her emotional state to his advantage. They've been together on and off for a little over a year now. The first time he hit her, I confronted him and he actually cried. He was soooo sorry, would never do it again.. blah blah blah. Every time hes done it, he doesn't blame her. He blames being too drunk, took too many pills, was too stressed etc... He has no job. The year that they've been together, he's had like 5 different jobs but always gets fired for not showing up because he wanted to party instead. He has no financial hold on her, no kids holding her back. I don't get why she stays. I'm trying to be supportive for her, but its almost impossible while they are together. She doesn't talk to me when she's with him. But I am always, and will always be there for her to pick up the pieces. I'm afraid hes going to kill her though. The last time he almost did.

Quoting DAHLONEGAMOMMY:

You have to look at the situation from a different view. You and I can sit here and say that we would be gone and would never put up with it. We can say we would never go back. However, abuse doesnt just rear its ugly head once and out of the blue. Spousal abuse is a slow process of emotional neglect and training. It always starts out with the SO getting overly angry about something then making the other person feel that its their fault that the man was upset. They slowly wear your natural defenses down little by little. First its angry reactions to minor offenses. Then, it becomes insults and accusation of inadequacy. The abusive partner takes control of finances, self esteem, and quality of life from the other person. They are master manipulators. They use the woman's genuine love to control her. They say things like, "If you loved me you would do this right. If you love me, you wouldnt make me hit you! Why cant you follow simple things that make me happy. If you did it this way we wouldnt have a problem." Over time the abused person begins to feel like its all her fault and becomes convinced she really is the problem. Then the physical begins. They hit you and the shame alone makes them hide the truth from others. When your family finally does know, you have been enduring it far more than they know in silence. Few women have the skills to be independent and capable of caring for their family on their own because they have been controlled and conditioned to believe that they cant do it. Abuse is far more than a punch or a hit. Abuse is conditional training and manipulation. By the time a woman gets to the physical stage, her self-esteem, confidence, and abilities to be independent have been so eroded that they dont even see the options anymore. Fear is a powerful motivator. Control is an ultimate weapon. It simply isnt all black and white. Usually, its only those who have the courage to admit the abuse and actively seek therapy that will ever break free. Even with this guy in jail, he still has control over her through fear and manipulation. 

You said yourself that she would not tell you he was back because she knew you would not like it. This is precisely why they dont tell. They fear being judged. If you want to help her, dont judge her. Tell her you are there for her no matter what. Let her know that she always has a place to go. Dont insult or accuse her of making bad choices. She probably doesnt understand it herself. If you want to be able to help you have to be willing to be her friend even when you dont like her decisions. Her husband is no dummy. He also knows that the more she takes him back is also the more she will isolate herself from anyone who might offer to help her. This is what he wants. He leaves her with himself being the only person she has in her life and this ensures she wont leave. He does more than hit. He has turned her into his robot and the best you can do is never leave her alone. It has to be her decision to get out. Until she does, you can either be her friend and be there for her or you can walk away and leave her to deal with alone. Either way, she wont leave until she lets go. Build up her self esteem instead of tearing down her abuser or her decision to stay with the abuse. The more you convince her that she is perfectly capable of going on in life without him is also the more she will start to see that she doesnt have to take it anymore. Alienate her and she will endure it alone. 



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