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What to do? Long reading, please bare with me! (please no snarky responses, I seriously don't know what to do)

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Okay ladies I need some thoughts and or advise from an "impartial" party!

Problem #1

My DH is 13 years older than me and retired. (he was 58 when he retired) When he retired we agreed I would continue to work to carry health benefits. 5 years ago we began having issues with E.D. He refused to see a doctor, so okay I accepted the fact that our sex life was over with. Last year he turned 62, started getting social security and went to the VA to obtain health benefits and finally asked about the E.D. He had a complete physical, was told he was healthy enough for sex and got the "little blue pill". Came home shaking the bottle in my face saying "I got your pills for you"!  One month later, I asked So when are we going to try those pills? His answer was "did you read the side effects? You're not worth going blind for or dying for". (I went in the next room and cried.) A week later, I get home from work and on the kitchen table is a package from the VA, more little blue pills! The seal on the first bottle has never been broken! I asked why he ordered another bottle when he never opened the first one, he said well they are free so why not? To this date he has ordered those pills every six weeks and REFUSES to use them, but he always shakes the package in my face when they come in and tells me "YOUR pills came in today"

Problem #2

4 years ago he lost almost our entire savings by playing at being a day trader in the stock market. When he started to lose money, I repeatedly asked him to stop, and of course the answer was no. He started using the margin he was allowed, made some really bad choices and our savings account went from 250+K to 15K in a matter of weeks. He refused to go back to work even part time, so we sold our home pocketing around 160K and began renting.  2 years ago, he started again with the stock market and yep, wiped out the savings again. Things got pretty tight for awhile, then his social security kicked in so now He pays the rent, I pay all utilities,car payments and insurance. 

Problem #3

DH has become a recluse. He has no friends, doesn't want any. Grumbles at me when I have to work OT, whining he never knows when to have dinner ready because he never knows when I'm coming home. I can't have friends or coworkers to the house, he gets pissy and makes everyone uncomfortable. Gets mad if someone calls me in the evenings, whining he's home all day by himself and when I get home all I want to do is talk to everyone but him. Lectures me about everything, he is acting like my father, not a husband. I want to leave him, but feel bad for him because he will truly be ALONE if I do. He has always been a good husband until the last few years, I am only 50 and tired of living like this with all the stress and no affection.

Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for "listening" ladies :-)


by on May. 4, 2012 at 8:55 AM
Replies (21-26):
by on May. 4, 2012 at 9:33 AM

by on May. 4, 2012 at 9:36 AM
So call his Dr & inform him you have some concerns about you dh. The Dr will let you stay ay least till you're done talking

Quoting Billsbabygirl:

Alzheimer's, hormones, chemical imbalances there are many possibilities. Often it's treatable. He's probably also irritated with himself for the way he's changing as you are younger and he things he's failing you. Counseling would be good. Talk about it.
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 9:44 AM

Sounds like depression. You cannot continue to live like this so I think you should ask him to change and you will be with him every step of the way. But I believe in marriage until the end and you chose to marry him, so this is a rough patch that you both need to get through together.

by Gold Member on May. 4, 2012 at 9:47 AM
Sounds like depression to me, and maybe like he is also testing you a little to see if you will abandon him (the cycle of self fulfilling prophecy).

I recommend that you find a good counselor for yourself (ask his doc for referral, it should be someone who deals with aging issues) and learn how you can take care of yourself through this. They can also hopefully guide you on ways to get help for him.

It is not, unfortunately, all that uncommon for men as they age.
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 10:00 AM

He needs a hobby or second career.  At best, he's lonely and bored.  At worst, depressed.  

Men who find purpose in doing have a tendency to die within years of retirement because they no longer find purpose in life, become depressed, get ill, and go down hill very quickly.

If he has ED, he more than likely has significant, systems wide chronic health issues in in play.  VA will probably not be able to help beyond offering him a pill for this and a pill for that because their institutional approach is to treat one problem at a time, not all problems at once.  If you can find a doctor trained in "functional medicine" who takes you insurance, that's probably the best place to get started with your husband's health.  Drag him there yourself if you have to.

My husband is 18 years older than me.  When he retires from police work, I will become the full time working parent.  We joke that he'll be a SAHD but really, he'll be starting a second career.  He's 10 to 15 years away from police retirement and working on his credentials to become a gunsmith.  The men in his family tend to die within 5-10 years of retirement, almost as if their bodies just gave up when they stopped "doing" every day.  Mine doesn't want to go the same way.  :)

by on May. 4, 2012 at 11:01 AM
I think that sounds like the problem. :(

Quoting Jan1007:

Yes, they were a little low so he was having injections, he quit those after 2 months, said he was tired of having to get them. Refuses to get them again.

Quoting epoh:

Have you had his testosterone levels tested?

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