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Taking away birthday festivities? Too harsh? Suggestions?

Posted by on May. 4, 2012 at 5:44 PM
  • 30 Replies

My son will be five on May 8th. For the past 2 years we've had a lot of issues with him and his behavior. He has seen councelors off & on over the past year & they have all agreed that a lot of his anger/behavior stems from his father being gone so long. His dad and I live together, have been together for nearly six years. But he is active duty Air Force and is TDY at least 200 days out of the year. 

I do NOT want to use that as an excuse. Does he miss daddy? Sure. BUT he is old enough to know right from wrong. Yet EVERY SINGLE DAY we have issues at daycare. Screaming 'No!" over & over again when he is asked to do something he doesnt want. He'll randomly snap & start throwing toys, knocking over chairs, trying to run out of the classroom. Without any reason or warning he'll just start up & do these things. 

Well, he ran out of the classroom twice today (they said he just snapped, they couldn't pin point a trigger) so he got sent home, which means I had to be replaced (I work at the same daycare). I understand its a safety issue & I'm not upset with the daycare. I'm just so upset with him. 

So I'm so upset that Im tempted to take away his birthday party. I ordered 24 cupcakes (Transformers, his favorite) for Tuesday. But I'm seriously thinking about canceling the order & telling him he should have listened better. Is that too harsh? I HATE doing that, but I just dont know what to do to get through to him. 

I have an appointment on May 11th for him to see his doctor for his five year check up & I'm going to see if she'll give us a recommendation to see a therapist. I'm just at my wits end. Spanking doesn't work, taking away games, tv, toys doesn't work. I just dont know what to do. Right now he is sitting in the hallway doing Pre-K paper work until I get his room cleaned out. Then he'll just have his bed & one pillow & one blanket and his work books. 

His dad deploys this month. I dont even know how I'm going to handle him being gone for months when Elijah cant even behave when he is gone for a week or two. :/ Btw, I'm going to see my doctor about seeing a therapist as well. 

by on May. 4, 2012 at 5:44 PM
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by Platinum Member on May. 4, 2012 at 5:49 PM

 That's a hard one...I would think with his dad being gone so much it would be important to keep things like this as normal as possible. I would ask his doctor and a therapist for some other options. Good luck!

by on May. 4, 2012 at 5:54 PM
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He may understand right from wrong, but he's still not able to control himself. When he's upset or frustrated or angry, he will act out. Definitely do not cancel his birthday festivities. He's just a 4 year old little boy who misses his daddy. My DH is home every night and yet my 4 year old DS will burst into tears randomly because he misses his daddy. It's just a part of life. I'd just keep talking to him yourself and teach him how to express himself verbally instead of physically.

by on May. 4, 2012 at 6:02 PM

I would cancel it. I am a military mom as well and my 4 yr old knows better. There would be a loss of everything, toys, games, play time, and his party. Just because dad is gone doesn't leave a reason for him to behave out of control. No no no.

by on May. 4, 2012 at 6:05 PM
I would take it away. He is old enough to behave even if he misses his Dad
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 6:06 PM

That's a hard, hard situation.  :-( 

I think I would cancel anything you had planned at school and/or with friends.  I would keep the order for cupcakes in, though.  You can have a quite acknowledgement of his birthday at home after school, complete with cupcakes, and freeze the rest for special occassions when he's worked hard on his behavior.

We've had trouble with my son's behavior off and on; we've found that praising him for a sincere effort at good behavior, even if he has slip ups, is much more effective then demanding perfect behavior with punishment when he messes up.

by on May. 4, 2012 at 6:07 PM

I would cancel the party, but still find a small way to celebrate his birthday.

by on May. 4, 2012 at 6:10 PM
It's a little harsh but necessary.
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by Ruby Member on May. 4, 2012 at 6:10 PM
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I wouldn't take away the cupcakes. It's his birthday, it's not a priviledge. I think therapy is a great idea. How about doing crafts with him? Like making a scrapbook to give to Daddy when he gets back? Or something else positive that can keep him occupied and in a good frame of mind? Have you tried positive reinforcement? If spanking and taking things away isn't working, how about a sticker chart and rewards for good behavior? If he have 2 good days in a row, he can eat dessert before dinner and tell that to Daddy. After 5 days he can have another special treat, etc.
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 6:14 PM
I think you need to get to the route of his problems is there a deeper issue or is it just behavioral.

If its behavioral then you need to take a long hard look at how and what you do because obviously something isn't working.

I don't think I would cancel his birthday party.

I would look for natural and immediate and consistent consequences for his actions.

I would also work hard on positive reinforcement. Reward the good behavior.

Do you guys have a routine? Is that routine consistent when dad is here and gone? Is he getting enough sleep? Look at his diet is he getting a lot of sugars or artificial foods that could be causing him to crash and burn. There are lots of areas to look at and be honest with yourself figure out where you can make changes.

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by on May. 4, 2012 at 6:16 PM

There is something going on.  I would have him evaluated. And not take his birthday away. I bet he has no control over his behavior.

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