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Would you split up your family under these circumstances?

Posted by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:49 AM
  • 191 Replies

Here is the situation...  Me and DH moved to NYC a year ago.  We moved against my objections for DH's job and DH promised me after a year we could reevaluate and move.  I moved with him because I'm obviously committed to my family, and supportive of my husband.  But I had serious misgivings about raising a child in the city.  

So, a year has gone and past..  I've adjusted as best as I could to NYC and finally have gotten used to it.  DS is so/so.  When we moved he created an imaginary friend who is with him ALL the time.  I'm going to college out there and DS got into a gifted program for kindergarten.  While its amazing that he got into a gifted program, the school has a full time police officer guarding it and we have to take the subway... Its just a different world, KWIM?  

We went on vacation last month and I was planning to spend a week with my parents in the Santa Cruz area.  Well, when we got here, I honestly felt like I couldn't leave so I asked DH if I could extend my trip...  DH has to work like crazy so he had to go back to the city, and it wasn't a big deal cause he was working so much.  Then due to circumstances, our trip kept getting rescheduled and now we are out here until late July. 

Since we've been here, DS has been thriving.  I haven't seen him this happy in such a long time.  His imaginary friend hasn't shown up once.  The schools are amazing here.  THere is little league, lots of sports, and i have my family support out here.  DS is the happiest kid in the world this summer.  

This sounds horrible but I'm thinking about splitting up the family.  I really don't like NYC.  Because my dad is a vet, I can get all my college paid for out here.  DS could go to school and have a normal childhood.  It breaks my heart to think the end of the summer is coming before I know it and I have to take him away from here.  This is the perfect area to raise a child....  BUT dh has to work in NYC and it is what it is, for at least another year.  

Am I crazy?  What would you do?  Would you stick it out for "only another year" knowing that it will probably take longer?  Would you split up the family and live on different coasts because one area is much more ideal than the other for children??  I'm so confused about what to do.  I know that kids are resilient and can get through a lot, but it breaks my heart that I can't give him normal things in the city.  For instance, we moved before his 4th birthday and he want to see a forest and stars because he didn't really remember what they looked like-- That right there breaks my heart.  Here he is sleeping through the night because there is no light and noise....  IDK. Thoughts...  DH moving isn't an option at all.  The two options are me splitting up the family (me and ds moving here) or us staying in NYC


EDIT:  

Just so there is no confusion, dh and I have been talking about this for months, so its not a new conversation that I haven't had with him, it just really hit home the last few weeks being out of the city.  

Next, as someone seemed to think, I have NO INTENTION to take my son and run lol.  Thats laughable.  It would be a mutual decision that is reached by both me and DH but I wanted outside thoughts which is why I'm posting here.  The arrangement would be that we STAY married and see eachother about every 3 months, lol, not sneaking off into the night and leaving him, that is ridiculous lol.  


Update 1:  So, after reading all the replies (every single one of them) I wrote down what I was feeling and sent dh an email detailing the pros and cons of each and the two resolutions I could live with (we've gone through several pros and cons list-- like I said this isn't a new conversation between us).  I thought though he might take it bad, but he totally took it fine!  I gave one "if we stay in NYC" list of things I wanted (won't bore you with details but the most major is a definite move date from there-- not sure he can provide it) or an "if we move" list detailing everything like visits and nightly skype calls etc.  He was so sweet and said my list seemed absolutely reasonable but as usual, we still can't come to any conclusion!  We are going to let it all marinate and think about it for about a week and then try to talk again.  I think this summer is a super good test run for it cause we're away from him longer than we've ever been before and it seems to be going good so far :)  But its such a major decision that we aren't rushing into anything anytime soon.  I'm so glad that I was able to outline exactly what I needed and what DS needed along with the pros and cons and for DH to not react defensive at all but to completely understand exactly where I was coming from.  My dh is the best, its no wonder we get along so well :)  I'll keep everyone updated on what we decide, but don't expect it anytime soon, as it is a decision that will be reached after MANY MANY MANY more conversations.  

Update #2:  Someone was asking about how you get free tuition by having a disabled vet parent.  Here is the form to fill out and send in.  It looks like because I make too much, I probably wouldn't qualify but I'm hoping it can help someone else out.  You want to look at plan B there is no age limit for the child who applies so if your father fought in a war and is disabled from it, then you will qualify to have this benefit.  I really hope someone can use it!

http://www.calvet.ca.gov/Files/VetServices/Fee_Waiver_Form_dvs40.pdf








                                              You know you want it

 

by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
countrygurl1985
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:54 AM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like your I a tough situation and im sorry that your are! But it also sounds like your little one is happy! It's your choice on what you want to do, but if it were me I'd stay for my childs sake being that he is so happy. Maybe things will get better after a while and I hope that they do for you. You can always take a small vacation to get away from NYC just to take a break with DS (: GL mama
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FL2AK
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:55 AM
4 moms liked this
If you two can handle a long distance I would do it. I am usually not a fan of families doing that, but I could not imagine raising my children in NYC. It is just not a life that I would want for them or for me. If your son is thriving where you are then I would stay. Plus your husband is gone a lot for his work. Since he travels he could come out and spend time with you two.
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nicsmama09
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:55 AM
Can you afford to visit dh like once a month til he can move? Honestly I wouldnt want to raise my kids in nyc but there are plenty of fine kids that are .. But yeah idk.. If dh was ok with it id just visit him
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.betty.white.
by bilf on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:56 AM

Its really hard.  The thing is my dh will have to work like crazy any way KWIM? But I feel like a jerk for even thinking it.  

Quoting countrygurl1985:

Sounds like your I a tough situation and im sorry that your are! But it also sounds like your little one is happy! It's your choice on what you want to do, but if it were me I'd stay for my childs sake being that he is so happy. Maybe things will get better after a while and I hope that they do for you (: GL mama









                                              You know you want it

 

.betty.white.
by bilf on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:57 AM
1 mom liked this

Thats what I'm saying he travels SO MUCH and works all the time anyway.  Honestly NYC is sort of horrible and I wasn't happy there like I should be, but it really hit home coming out here.  My parents also have a business I could work for while I wait for in state tuition to kick in. 

Quoting FL2AK:

If you two can handle a long distance I would do it. I am usually not a fan of families doing that, but I could not imagine raising my children in NYC. It is just not a life that I would want for them or for me. If your son is thriving where you are then I would stay. Plus your husband is gone a lot for his work. Since he travels he could come out and spend time with you two.









                                              You know you want it

 

betsyabel
by Silver Member on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:57 AM
1 mom liked this

I think that as long as the trust is there, I would probably move myself and son from NYC.  We live in MN & my husband has been working out of state for a few years. First he was near St Louis and now he's way out by Vegas. It works for us, but our kids are older. We visit when we can (usually he's home for a week once every few months & we visit him for a month at a time in the summer).  
If your marriage can survive it and your son is thriving there, it could really work out :) 

melissa916
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:57 AM
I would not, sorry.....
TxMommyOfBoys
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:57 AM
No, I would not ever move away from dh
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.betty.white.
by bilf on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:57 AM

With work he couldn't tkae that much time off, but my guess is it would be every 3 months. 

Quoting nicsmama09:

Can you afford to visit dh like once a month til he can move? Honestly I wouldnt want to raise my kids in nyc but there are plenty of fine kids that are .. But yeah idk.. If dh was ok with it id just visit him









                                              You know you want it

 

.betty.white.
by bilf on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:58 AM

I have to go do some stuff I'll hop on in a bit.  

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