Advertisement
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

The CafeMom Newcomers Club The CafeMom Newcomers Club

Would you split up your family under these circumstances?

Posted by   + Show Post

Here is the situation...  Me and DH moved to NYC a year ago.  We moved against my objections for DH's job and DH promised me after a year we could reevaluate and move.  I moved with him because I'm obviously committed to my family, and supportive of my husband.  But I had serious misgivings about raising a child in the city.  

So, a year has gone and past..  I've adjusted as best as I could to NYC and finally have gotten used to it.  DS is so/so.  When we moved he created an imaginary friend who is with him ALL the time.  I'm going to college out there and DS got into a gifted program for kindergarten.  While its amazing that he got into a gifted program, the school has a full time police officer guarding it and we have to take the subway... Its just a different world, KWIM?  

We went on vacation last month and I was planning to spend a week with my parents in the Santa Cruz area.  Well, when we got here, I honestly felt like I couldn't leave so I asked DH if I could extend my trip...  DH has to work like crazy so he had to go back to the city, and it wasn't a big deal cause he was working so much.  Then due to circumstances, our trip kept getting rescheduled and now we are out here until late July. 

Since we've been here, DS has been thriving.  I haven't seen him this happy in such a long time.  His imaginary friend hasn't shown up once.  The schools are amazing here.  THere is little league, lots of sports, and i have my family support out here.  DS is the happiest kid in the world this summer.  

This sounds horrible but I'm thinking about splitting up the family.  I really don't like NYC.  Because my dad is a vet, I can get all my college paid for out here.  DS could go to school and have a normal childhood.  It breaks my heart to think the end of the summer is coming before I know it and I have to take him away from here.  This is the perfect area to raise a child....  BUT dh has to work in NYC and it is what it is, for at least another year.  

Am I crazy?  What would you do?  Would you stick it out for "only another year" knowing that it will probably take longer?  Would you split up the family and live on different coasts because one area is much more ideal than the other for children??  I'm so confused about what to do.  I know that kids are resilient and can get through a lot, but it breaks my heart that I can't give him normal things in the city.  For instance, we moved before his 4th birthday and he want to see a forest and stars because he didn't really remember what they looked like-- That right there breaks my heart.  Here he is sleeping through the night because there is no light and noise....  IDK. Thoughts...  DH moving isn't an option at all.  The two options are me splitting up the family (me and ds moving here) or us staying in NYC


EDIT:  

Just so there is no confusion, dh and I have been talking about this for months, so its not a new conversation that I haven't had with him, it just really hit home the last few weeks being out of the city.  

Next, as someone seemed to think, I have NO INTENTION to take my son and run lol.  Thats laughable.  It would be a mutual decision that is reached by both me and DH but I wanted outside thoughts which is why I'm posting here.  The arrangement would be that we STAY married and see eachother about every 3 months, lol, not sneaking off into the night and leaving him, that is ridiculous lol.  


Update 1:  So, after reading all the replies (every single one of them) I wrote down what I was feeling and sent dh an email detailing the pros and cons of each and the two resolutions I could live with (we've gone through several pros and cons list-- like I said this isn't a new conversation between us).  I thought though he might take it bad, but he totally took it fine!  I gave one "if we stay in NYC" list of things I wanted (won't bore you with details but the most major is a definite move date from there-- not sure he can provide it) or an "if we move" list detailing everything like visits and nightly skype calls etc.  He was so sweet and said my list seemed absolutely reasonable but as usual, we still can't come to any conclusion!  We are going to let it all marinate and think about it for about a week and then try to talk again.  I think this summer is a super good test run for it cause we're away from him longer than we've ever been before and it seems to be going good so far :)  But its such a major decision that we aren't rushing into anything anytime soon.  I'm so glad that I was able to outline exactly what I needed and what DS needed along with the pros and cons and for DH to not react defensive at all but to completely understand exactly where I was coming from.  My dh is the best, its no wonder we get along so well :)  I'll keep everyone updated on what we decide, but don't expect it anytime soon, as it is a decision that will be reached after MANY MANY MANY more conversations.  

Update #2:  Someone was asking about how you get free tuition by having a disabled vet parent.  Here is the form to fill out and send in.  It looks like because I make too much, I probably wouldn't qualify but I'm hoping it can help someone else out.  You want to look at plan B there is no age limit for the child who applies so if your father fought in a war and is disabled from it, then you will qualify to have this benefit.  I really hope someone can use it!

http://www.calvet.ca.gov/Files/VetServices/Fee_Waiver_Form_dvs40.pdf








                                              You know you want it

 

by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Replies (21-30):
picot08
by Member on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:05 PM

Honestly, I would stay. I think that keeping a family together and marriage is very important, but it is different for everyone. I was in the sae position a few years back and I ended up staying with my husband, things have gotten better.

anotherhalf
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:06 PM

Will he be able to get a job on the west coast?  If so, I would stay and visit when I could.  If not, then I'd look for a nice place out in the country in NY and have dh commute to work.  I would never raise my child in a big city.

FL2AK
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:09 PM
I look at it like this. If my husband would have been stationed somewhere horrible but then deployed all of the time and was always at work, I can't say I would have moved too.


Quoting .betty.white.:

Thats what I'm saying he travels SO MUCH and works all the time anyway.  Honestly NYC is sort of horrible and I wasn't happy there like I should be, but it really hit home coming out here.  My parents also have a business I could work for while I wait for in state tuition to kick in. 

Quoting FL2AK:

If you two can handle a long distance I would do it. I am usually not a fan of families doing that, but I could not imagine raising my children in NYC. It is just not a life that I would want for them or for me. If your son is thriving where you are then I would stay. Plus your husband is gone a lot for his work. Since he travels he could come out and spend time with you two.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Texascandee
by Bronze Member on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:12 PM

I would say talk to your husband and tell him how well your lo is doing there.  He may go for the coast to coast thing.  Is there anyway that one of you can travel to visit the other on weekends or something?  Good luck with your decision

woodit2u
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:12 PM
1 mom liked this

Is moving outside the city an option? Splitting up the family would not be an option for me. My young children having access to both parents as much as possible is very important to me.

Sarah_Moore
by Bronze Member on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:13 PM

 if it were me, i would do what is best for my son. his happiness is what really matters. hopefully your hubby will understand like mine would. the kids always come first. after that year is up then he can move and be with his family again but he really has to agree that his son is what is the most important thing and he's happy.

gum.drop
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:14 PM
I would split it up and just visit DH.... It's short term I'm sure you guys can handle a yr-two apart. I'm all about living in a nice area for the kids. I'm sure your DH would agree. Better to be happy apart than resentful together.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
gum.drop
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:17 PM
All that work to get your stuff and bam! Your already going back haha.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
strictmomhere
by Platinum Member on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:21 PM
Dont take your sons daddy away it may be tramatic im sure its a rough choice but you will make the right one hugs
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ccmvm
by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 12:22 PM
I would not but we are also a military family and we go wherever they send us and believe me, we live in a pretty crappy area. But I would not split up my family because the area sucks and isn't like "home" to me. Make the best of it
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)