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I just finished reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. he gives a list he calls "survival signals", which are manipulation tactics used by rapists, murderers etc. to gain the trust of their victims. What struck me about these signals, is that they're very familiar to me. These are not only used by criminals, but by anyone who is trying to gain control over someone. I'm sure as you read these you will recognize some. If you hear anyone using these with you, be aware and ask yourself "Why is this person trying to gain control of me?" Sometimes, it's just a persons job (salesman for example), maybe it's your spouse trying to persuade you. But what if it's a stranger in a dark parking garage? An unknown man wanting to help you carry groceries?
Well, read on ladies, memorize these if you can, they may just save your life one day!
Forced teaming is how a person establishes premature trust. They do it by making "we're in the same boat" type statements that are hard to rebuff without feeling rude. The detectable signal of Forced Teaming is the projection of a shared purpose WHERE NONE EXISTS.
Some common phrases used with Forced Teaming:
Both of us
How are we going to handle this?
Now we've done it
You can be sure that anyone who doesn't know you and uses one of these types of phrases is trying to control you.
CHARM AND NICENESS
Charm is almost always a direct instrument which has a motive. Think of charm as a verb instead of a trait. If your telling yourself "this person is trying to charm me" as opposed to "this person is charming", you'll be able to see around it. One way to "charm" is to smile, which is the most important signal of intent. A smile is the typical disguise to mask emotion.
Don't forget "niceness". Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait! "he was so nice" is one of the most common comments made by people describing the person whom just moments or months after his "niceness" attacked them.
TOO MANY DETAILS
People who want to deceive you will often use a simple technique that has a simple name: TOO MANY DETAILS.
When people are telling the truth, they don't feel doubted, so they don't feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When people lie, however, even if what they say sounds credible to you, doesn't sound credible to them, so they keep talking.
A man labels a woman in some slightly (sometimes not so slightly) critical way, hoping she will feel compelled to prove his opinion wrong. "You're probably to snobbish to talk to the likes of me", a man might say, and the woman will cast off the label of "snob" by talking to him.
Type Casting always involves a slight insult, and usually one easy to refute. But since it is the response itself that the type caster seeks, the only defense is silence. Just act as if the words weren't spoken at all. If you engage, you may win the point, but you might lose something greater. Not that it matters what a stranger thinks anyway. He doesn't even believe it, he just thinks it will work.
A traditional loan shark gladly lends one amount, but cruelly collects much more. Likewise, a predatory criminal generously offers assistance, but is always calculating the debt. A date may happily pay for dinner, and silently expect sex in return. A stranger may carry your groceries, and expect a conversation (or even more) in return.
THE UNSOLICITED PROMISE
This is one of the most reliable signals because it is nearly always of questionable motive. Promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees! They are the very hollowest instruments of speech, showing nothing more than the desire to convince you of something. So, the next time someone says "I promise", say to yourself "your right, I am hesitant about trusting you, and maybe with good reason. Thank you for pointing that out".
DISCOUNTING THE WORD NO
No is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. Especially if it is a stranger. If someone refuses your "no" they are either seeking control, or refusing to relinquish it. If you let someone talk you out of the word "no", you might as well wear a sign that reads "you're in control". Another good point to remember,,, "a man who doesn't let go, chooses a woman who cannot say no"
Thank you so much for reading. I feel like this is so important, and every woman should know these signals! Please keep bumped!