So ds and dd1 dad just showed up to my house today without permission. We have a parenting plan. He is currently homeless and phoneless. He will call from a friends phone or facebook me. Well I have missed a couple of phone calls from him. Im not glued to my phone. Usally its sitting at the computer desk, where I am at most of the time.
But he tought that he could just show up unexpected and I wouldn't get mad. My dd1 started to cry cause its not his holiday or his day.
He has only seen the kids once since father's day. Well now twice.
I do have a question can I make him take a drug test before he takes my kids anywhere?
Broken Hearts(heart issues group): http://www.cafemom.com/group/116857 Click my name
Many kids wish they had more time with their dad, so to deny that (without valid reason other than it not being "his" time like you stated) in my opinion would be childish and wouldn't be viewed in a good light by any judge I've ever come across.
Now if your ex is on drugs that is different, but not info originally provided.
Quoting dsk886:You really have the wrong impression on me. And of what this post was about. I understand birthdays, family reunions and etc. I would allow my childern to go to these things. Just like his brother his coming into town with his new baby. And will allow him to pick up the kids on what is "my" time.
I do not want to keep my kids away from their father.
Quoting CABZS:
Who said anything about giving in all the time?
But sometimes things can't be helped.
For us it has been family reunions, I'm not in charge they almost never fall on my time and my ex refuses saying it is "his" time.
My son has missed his friends bday parties bc they didn't fall on "my" time and my ex refused to take him bf it was "his"time.
We've won tickets to football games and concerts, I don't control those dates. But if they arent on "my" time my ex refuses.
A judge will tell many it is childish, "your" time can be made up bc it is not appropriate for the child to miss out on things.
If a parent wants some extra time here or there and the other parent constantly refuses it looks bad and childish.
Been thru all of this many times over.
Quoting AtillaTheHun:
I disagree. I would not allow that either. If that is childish, why even bother to set up a parenting plan? If she keeps giving in, that would defeat the whole purpose of bringing some sort of routine in the childrens´lives. There are people, who you cannot reason with. They will do whatever they want to do, and it does not matter who they are huring, which includes their own children.
Quoting CABZS:
You explained nothing.
And yes talking saying "my time, my weekend,his time, his weekend" is childish.
Why can't he hang w/the kids for a bit at the house?
Quoting dsk886:
Why for 5 mins cause that's all he comes for at a time. And then he spends 30 mins tells them they have to get out of the car and they can't go with him.
Childish? Would you let your x take your kids while he is homeless? Would you let your x take them if he was using meth?
Sorry I was vauge in my OP, but I was talking to him via facebook..PMing. I told him that I didn't want him at my house. And I didn't want him to just show up. And he did it anyway. And told me when he got here that he didn't see that...but he responed. He also stated that he didn't know whose holiday it was. We just signed the paper work a little of a month ago. And I have even years for every other holiday starting with the first holiday that comes up.
Quoting CABZS:
Her post just states part of the plan, that SHE missed his calls so he showed up. What is he suppose to do?
Her post also didn't say that he just shows up all the time or that he is constantly popping in for 5min here or there. She also didn't say that he only wanted to be there for 5min.
So from my pov with the info provided I didn't see the big deal, don't get why some extra time here and there is a big deal or why he couldn't hang with Tue kids at the house for a bit. She made it sound like she shewed him out the door and now had to console her kids.
I have a hard time when parents are refused a bit of extra time once in awhile (never said give in all the time) just bc it isn't their weekend or their time. If people truly cared about their kids they would compromise at times. And I was going off of info provided originally by the op.
Quoting AtillaTheHun:
I think there is a misunderstanding between us. I am talking about the regular visitation. I understand that you are upset that your baby missed out on many important events, hun, believe me. I completely understand that and I would be upset, too! You did not get to experience all those things because your ex would not compromise, which I think is mean on his part. We are in the same boat. My SD misses out on birthdays and countless family activities, including concerts, water parks and what not, because of the BM. I am on your side here, please do not get me wrong!
But specifically on OP´s issue, I think the parenting plan should be enforced and insisted on. If you give in once, the other side will expect that to happen every time they demand it. I have been there, I have seen it, and we have been to court many times with my husband´s ex. Our attorney has advised us to stick to the letter of every court document because she has tried to screw us over more times than I can count. OP´s ex does not want to do something fun with the kids, he does not even bring enough time to have a quality visitation. You, on the other hand, wanted your child to have a fun time by doing something special with him. That is a huge difference. That is what makes your case and OP´s case so different. Not every situation is alike, and neither are the reasons for some parents to do what they are doing. That is what we should keep in mind.
Quoting CABZS:
Who said anything about giving in all the time?
But sometimes things can't be helped.
For us it has been family reunions, I'm not in charge they almost never fall on my time and my ex refuses saying it is "his" time.
My son has missed his friends bday parties bc they didn't fall on "my" time and my ex refused to take him bf it was "his"time.
We've won tickets to football games and concerts, I don't control those dates. But if they arent on "my" time my ex refuses.
A judge will tell many it is childish, "your" time can be made up bc it is not appropriate for the child to miss out on things.
If a parent wants some extra time here or there and the other parent constantly refuses it looks bad and childish.
Been thru all of this many times over.
Quoting AtillaTheHun:
I disagree. I would not allow that either. If that is childish, why even bother to set up a parenting plan? If she keeps giving in, that would defeat the whole purpose of bringing some sort of routine in the childrens´lives. There are people, who you cannot reason with. They will do whatever they want to do, and it does not matter who they are huring, which includes their own children.
Broken Hearts(heart issues group): http://www.cafemom.com/group/116857 Click my name
Your are correct!
And no meth isn't the ONLY reason he is homeless!
He is also homeless cause he was living with his momma. And she doesn't like people in her house. And he was having people in and out her house at all hours of the day/night.
Before he got a car...he took his moms car whenever he wanted.
I think she said the he was smoking 'his' room. He was suppose to be taking care of his grandmother and wasn't.
Plus she got tried of him sitting on his ass all day doing nothing to help her and nothing to help himself.
Yes, I do beleive his is on meth. Ive seen him on meth before. HIS friends tell ME that the he is or they think he is(we have mutal friends).
Quoting alwayskk:
Uh, no. OP suspects it and says he has behaved erratically before.
I left my ex over meth and her ex's behavior sounds a lot like my ex's.Quoting Livinwith3boys:
So meth is the ONLY reason he could be homeless or without a phone???lol right!!!
Quoting alwayskk:
My ex would love it if I let him come and go as he pleased but the truth is that that is detrimental to our children.
However, the real issue here is the meth suspicion. If he weren't on meth, he wouldn't be homeless, without a phone, etc. You all wouldn't be facing these issues. I would document suspicion and request drug testing in court.
Someone on meth shouldn't have visitation.
She actually did state that 5 minutes is all he shows up for.
I also said that she should be answering his calls, but no one is sitting next to the phone all day long. Returning his calls, which is something that would be appropriate, is not possible because he does not have a phone.
Compromising at times... Sounds nice, but unfortunately many parents think when it is done once, it has to be done all the time. If that is the case, court orders and parenting plans are useless and not needed. They are put in place to provide a routine for the children. IF he truly wanted to spend time with them, I could see the point in giving in once in a while. BUT that is not the case. He gets the kids all spun up and then walks out. I would not be willing to compromise for having my children crying and hurt, hell no. Stick to the times you are given. I cannot see any judge approving such a behavior, and he will more than likely get his ass handed if he keeps that crap up.
I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this situation.
Quoting CABZS:
Her post just states part of the plan, that SHE missed his calls so he showed up. What is he suppose to do?
Her post also didn't say that he just shows up all the time or that he is constantly popping in for 5min here or there. She also didn't say that he only wanted to be there for 5min.
So from my pov with the info provided I didn't see the big deal, don't get why some extra time here and there is a big deal or why he couldn't hang with Tue kids at the house for a bit. She made it sound like she shewed him out the door and now had to console her kids.
I have a hard time when parents are refused a bit of extra time once in awhile (never said give in all the time) just bc it isn't their weekend or their time. If people truly cared about their kids they would compromise at times. And I was going off of info provided originally by the op.
Quoting AtillaTheHun:I think there is a misunderstanding between us. I am talking about the regular visitation. I understand that you are upset that your baby missed out on many important events, hun, believe me. I completely understand that and I would be upset, too! You did not get to experience all those things because your ex would not compromise, which I think is mean on his part. We are in the same boat. My SD misses out on birthdays and countless family activities, including concerts, water parks and what not, because of the BM. I am on your side here, please do not get me wrong!
But specifically on OP´s issue, I think the parenting plan should be enforced and insisted on. If you give in once, the other side will expect that to happen every time they demand it. I have been there, I have seen it, and we have been to court many times with my husband´s ex. Our attorney has advised us to stick to the letter of every court document because she has tried to screw us over more times than I can count. OP´s ex does not want to do something fun with the kids, he does not even bring enough time to have a quality visitation. You, on the other hand, wanted your child to have a fun time by doing something special with him. That is a huge difference. That is what makes your case and OP´s case so different. Not every situation is alike, and neither are the reasons for some parents to do what they are doing. That is what we should keep in mind.
I don't have a house phone, I have a cell so I don't know what it is like to be without a phone. And I didn't read that he didn't have a phone.
Again, even if one expects it all the time there is a custody order to fall back on so you don't have to say yes all the time.
But to always say no looks really bad in front of a judge, very childish and definitely not putting the child first.
Someone can expect things all the time. My ex expected it bc I was always nice, threw a fit when I said no but he couldn't do anything about it bc of the court order. He tried saying something in court but I document everything and how many times I compromised and how many times he didn't. It was then put in our order that Zack be allowed to go to family functions, bday parties, scouting events and sports activities.
The judge, and most judges, frown upon those who refuse to do right by the child.
She didn't say HE chose to leave. My understanding is that he could not get hold of her, so he came by, she told him it was not his time so he left.
She has since added more, so I don't know where I stand. Bc she stated he tried calling and she missed his calls, he came by. Then all of a sudden they were communicating via FB and she told him not to come by. So it changed.
Quoting AtillaTheHun:She actually did state that 5 minutes is all he shows up for.
I also said that she should be answering his calls, but no one is sitting next to the phone all day long. Returning his calls, which is something that would be appropriate, is not possible because he does not have a phone.
Compromising at times... Sounds nice, but unfortunately many parents think when it is done once, it has to be done all the time. If that is the case, court orders and parenting plans are useless and not needed. They are put in place to provide a routine for the children. IF he truly wanted to spend time with them, I could see the point in giving in once in a while. BUT that is not the case. He gets the kids all spun up and then walks out. I would not be willing to compromise for having my children crying and hurt, hell no. Stick to the times you are given. I cannot see any judge approving such a behavior, and he will more than likely get his ass handed if he keeps that crap up.
I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this situation.
Quoting CABZS:
Her post just states part of the plan, that SHE missed his calls so he showed up. What is he suppose to do?
Her post also didn't say that he just shows up all the time or that he is constantly popping in for 5min here or there. She also didn't say that he only wanted to be there for 5min.
So from my pov with the info provided I didn't see the big deal, don't get why some extra time here and there is a big deal or why he couldn't hang with Tue kids at the house for a bit. She made it sound like she shewed him out the door and now had to console her kids.
I have a hard time when parents are refused a bit of extra time once in awhile (never said give in all the time) just bc it isn't their weekend or their time. If people truly cared about their kids they would compromise at times. And I was going off of info provided originally by the op.
Quoting AtillaTheHun:I think there is a misunderstanding between us. I am talking about the regular visitation. I understand that you are upset that your baby missed out on many important events, hun, believe me. I completely understand that and I would be upset, too! You did not get to experience all those things because your ex would not compromise, which I think is mean on his part. We are in the same boat. My SD misses out on birthdays and countless family activities, including concerts, water parks and what not, because of the BM. I am on your side here, please do not get me wrong!
But specifically on OP´s issue, I think the parenting plan should be enforced and insisted on. If you give in once, the other side will expect that to happen every time they demand it. I have been there, I have seen it, and we have been to court many times with my husband´s ex. Our attorney has advised us to stick to the letter of every court document because she has tried to screw us over more times than I can count. OP´s ex does not want to do something fun with the kids, he does not even bring enough time to have a quality visitation. You, on the other hand, wanted your child to have a fun time by doing something special with him. That is a huge difference. That is what makes your case and OP´s case so different. Not every situation is alike, and neither are the reasons for some parents to do what they are doing. That is what we should keep in mind.
If you go back and read the original post, that is what she wrote:
"So ds and dd1 dad just showed up to my house today without permission. We have a parenting plan. He is currently homeless and phoneless. He will call from a friends phone or facebook me."
So, no, she did not just add that in one of her responses.
As I repeatetly said, this is not about compromising because of family functions or anything out of the norm. This is about regular visitation, which he is not sticking to, gets the kids all upset, and then walks out. Custody order nice and dandy, but why should she let it get that far, when all he does is make the children miserable by NOT SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH THEM?! Why expose the children to an irresponsible father whenever he feels like it, just to leave them heartbroken? He cannot be responsible right now for whatever reasons, but that does not mean that the kids have to be exposed to this crap. He needs to get his shit in order first.
Quoting CABZS:
Um not in her op she didn't.
I don't have a house phone, I have a cell so I don't know what it is like to be without a phone. And I didn't read that he didn't have a phone.
Again, even if one expects it all the time there is a custody order to fall back on so you don't have to say yes all the time.
But to always say no looks really bad in front of a judge, very childish and definitely not putting the child first.
Someone can expect things all the time. My ex expected it bc I was always nice, threw a fit when I said no but he couldn't do anything about it bc of the court order. He tried saying something in court but I document everything and how many times I compromised and how many times he didn't. It was then put in our order that Zack be allowed to go to family functions, bday parties, scouting events and sports activities.
The judge, and most judges, frown upon those who refuse to do right by the child.
She didn't say HE chose to leave. My understanding is that he could not get hold of her, so he came by, she told him it was not his time so he left.
She has since added more, so I don't know where I stand. Bc she stated he tried calling and she missed his calls, he came by. Then all of a sudden they were communicating via FB and she told him not to come by. So it changed.
Quoting AtillaTheHun:She actually did state that 5 minutes is all he shows up for.
I also said that she should be answering his calls, but no one is sitting next to the phone all day long. Returning his calls, which is something that would be appropriate, is not possible because he does not have a phone.
Compromising at times... Sounds nice, but unfortunately many parents think when it is done once, it has to be done all the time. If that is the case, court orders and parenting plans are useless and not needed. They are put in place to provide a routine for the children. IF he truly wanted to spend time with them, I could see the point in giving in once in a while. BUT that is not the case. He gets the kids all spun up and then walks out. I would not be willing to compromise for having my children crying and hurt, hell no. Stick to the times you are given. I cannot see any judge approving such a behavior, and he will more than likely get his ass handed if he keeps that crap up.
I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this situation.
Quoting CABZS:
Her post just states part of the plan, that SHE missed his calls so he showed up. What is he suppose to do?
Her post also didn't say that he just shows up all the time or that he is constantly popping in for 5min here or there. She also didn't say that he only wanted to be there for 5min.
So from my pov with the info provided I didn't see the big deal, don't get why some extra time here and there is a big deal or why he couldn't hang with Tue kids at the house for a bit. She made it sound like she shewed him out the door and now had to console her kids.
I have a hard time when parents are refused a bit of extra time once in awhile (never said give in all the time) just bc it isn't their weekend or their time. If people truly cared about their kids they would compromise at times. And I was going off of info provided originally by the op.
Quoting AtillaTheHun:I think there is a misunderstanding between us. I am talking about the regular visitation. I understand that you are upset that your baby missed out on many important events, hun, believe me. I completely understand that and I would be upset, too! You did not get to experience all those things because your ex would not compromise, which I think is mean on his part. We are in the same boat. My SD misses out on birthdays and countless family activities, including concerts, water parks and what not, because of the BM. I am on your side here, please do not get me wrong!
But specifically on OP´s issue, I think the parenting plan should be enforced and insisted on. If you give in once, the other side will expect that to happen every time they demand it. I have been there, I have seen it, and we have been to court many times with my husband´s ex. Our attorney has advised us to stick to the letter of every court document because she has tried to screw us over more times than I can count. OP´s ex does not want to do something fun with the kids, he does not even bring enough time to have a quality visitation. You, on the other hand, wanted your child to have a fun time by doing something special with him. That is a huge difference. That is what makes your case and OP´s case so different. Not every situation is alike, and neither are the reasons for some parents to do what they are doing. That is what we should keep in mind.
Is it just me, or... ?
- dsk886
on Jul. 4, 2012 at 1:00 PM