This is to just get things off of my chest. I'm under the influence of Codine (which makes me VERY emotional and hyper, so please forgive me but I feel I need to get this out because I have no where else).
I never thought you were the asshole type. You have officially turned me off to any type of dating there is. I took off my rose-colored glasses to see the true details and you were a mystery; I was intrigued, I wanted to know more; now I wish I hadn't. I made a speech in class about my struggles, about my ex, I opened up to everybody in the class, something that was genuinely difficult to do, something I hadn't spoken in detail about to any human in the flesh, other than my therapist. I trusted each of you. You knew the things I had gone through with my ex. You seemed to care...I guess I didn't remove the entire rose tint.
**backstory to everyone**
Matt is a guy from my Public Speaking class that I asked out over the campus email system and gave him my number and said it was nice to meet him and I'd like to get to know him better and if he wanted to hang out, give me a text or call sometime.
A few days later, he did. He was very nice on the phone and in text. We went on a date last Friday to see the movie, Ted and sat on the beach for hours talking about everything under the sun.
He was a gentlemen the entire day/night and asked for a hug and had this adorable little smile that portrayed he liked me.
We text'd a little later that night and earlier the next morning. He had plans (prior to our date) to go pick up his cousin from the airport and take a month trip up to Illinois (his home state) and come back home. The last text I received was earlier Saturday morning. It was a good text conversation, we were joking even.
I have not heard from him sense. I've texted him a few times and even called him a few days ago and left a voicemail because I was genuinely concerned because the state had a lot of storms roll through, I wanted to make sure he was okay. I just left a message saying, hello and I hope he was enjoying his time home and that I wanted to make sure he made it safely to his destination. If he would please give me a text or a call just something to let me know he's okay, even if he hated me or wanted to tell me to fuck off, just so my mind wouldn't wander. I still haven't heard anything.
I may be taking things out of context but I doubt it.
I feel stupid though. He was the first guy I went out with since me and my almost ex-husband were married.
After the degrading and torment that I endured from my almost ex, I feel that after this abrupt disappearance, he was right. Something is wrong with me, obviously. I keep going over that day/night in my head detail by detail trying to figure out what the heck I did wrong and I cannot come up with anything. :/ The first guy, first date and I'm already a reject. No wonder I can't keep a guy :/
To my STBXH,
I have always loved you, I will always love you, no matter the hurt and pain you've caused me through the years. We make fantastic friends and I would love to continue a FRIENDSHIP with you for our sons sake. It's very easy for me to do as long as our past relationship isn't brought up. I harbor extreme hatred for you concerning a lot of things that you have done to be as a husband. I just don't understand why me being your wife vs. your friend make you act totally different. You are a good guy, as a friend. No, I don't want to have sex with you anymore, no matter how much I may want to.Yes, you were amazing in bed...but please, you've shared your skill with far too many other women while we were together and there's no way I'm touching "Mr. Woobie" with a ten foot pole, sorry. I will always be here for you, too but please...when I'm in class and I tell you that don't keep calling. I'm trying to better my life the way you never allowed me to.
This could potentially be VERY long but I'll make it short.
My husband and I have our temporary divorce hearing on the 16th. I filed on March 30th. We have been married since August 2007. He was the love of my life but he married me for the wrong reasons and admitted that to me the day he threw his wedding band at my face and left me because he said "I didn't know how to change being a psycho"...this was also less than 2 weeks after being home from a mental health facility that he help put me in. I suffered from severe depression due to his infidelity, lies, withdrawal, constantly not being that at all. I was diagnosed with Battered Wife's Syndrome, Depressive Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features. *POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING**I was cutting myself to see my blood, so it was always a self challenge to cut deeper and deeper to see it. The blood drops were the tears that I couldn't cry. It became an addiction.
I became someone I didn't know, someone I didn't even want to be around, not the mother I should have been, I didn't recognize myself in the mirror, I hated everything about myself and him throwing eggs on me (figuratively) just made it worse.
I eventually checked myself into the hospital where for 2 weeks, he left me in the clothes I went in with, never came to visit me, never called me. I got discharged and he refused to come get me, telling the physician that I wasn't ready to come home. I had to take a taxi home (thankfully, the hospital paid); and I got home to see a girl had been living in my home while I had been away, sleeping on my side of the bed. I knew who she was but I didn't know he'd be that ballsy. I thought very seriously of downing every prescription medication I could find and killing myself because I made the wrong decision of who my support person was going to be. I should have never went home. I was so high on Kolonopin (which never gave me that effect in the hospital, not sure why it did outside) that I just plopped on my bed and went to sleep. I went to bed and didn't wake up until he came home the next afternoon at 4pm. He left me, knowing I got released, knowing I was home, for over 24 hours. I woke up when I heard the door close but I laid there to see what he'd do. He just stood at the end of the bed, didn't make a sound, just stood there. I looked up and asked what was he doing and he said that he was making sure I was breathing. I said "hate to break it to you but I am, you may leave now."
Things just got worse from there. Eventually, he left me when I called him out on his girlfriend being in our home and when I brought up the inappropriate pics that surfaced on facebook of them two while I was in the hospital.
So about a month later, I couldn't handle it any more and filed for divorce. For those who may ask, our son was in Florida with my mother after I appointed her guardian of him the day I admitted myself in the hospital.
I think that's it for now...