I miss you every second of every day. Other people want you to think differently, but know that it's not true.
I miss who we used to be. Not the bad things, of course, but the good things. There were good things, too. The way I had you sleep with me... not because you didn't have your own bed, but because I just wanted you by me. The way I'd wake you up at 4am every morning and put you into your big snowsuit and we'd head out; You to the babysitter's, and me to work. The way you'd sit and crawl around backwards in circles, never fussing one time, just being the perfect baby you are.
It is important for you to know that the decision I made to let someone else borrow you was for your best interest. In retrospect, I see that it was a mistake, and it's not an easy decision to undo. The mistakes I made aren't easily fixed, although I've been trying for years now.
Isaiah, there are so many things I missed because of these circumstances: Your first words. Your first steps. Your first time eating by yourself. Your first dentist appointment.
So many things. Know that I wanted to be there, but the people who have most of you, kept you from me.
I want you to know, that if you don't come home this year, I will not continue to rip you in half. The reason you are where you are is because of me. I cannot bring myself to continue to confuse you.
I only pray that if I am not able to get you home, that time goes quickly until you're finally old enough to come home on your will. Until then, I can only try to speak for you, but that's a hard thing to do when there are so many lies circulating.
Love always- Your mother.