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Boundaries - what are they and how to do you set them?

Posted by on Aug. 4, 2012 at 12:00 PM
  • 11 Replies

 I wasn't really raised as a child.  My gram taught me to cook and thats the one thing in life that I can think of being "taught". The rest of life I've just sort of figured out as I went along.  I think it makes life a lot more work and there is so much that I don't get.

One thing I'm just learning about is "boundaries".  I understand fences in real life. But in your emotional world?? How do you set them? And what are they?

Do you just walk up to your loved one and say "I don't find this acceptable and won't allow it to happen to my person"?  Thats doesn't seem like it would work and like you are going through life giving ulitmatums.

Can I get some advice from some wise women please!

by on Aug. 4, 2012 at 12:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gatorswife1401
by Member on Aug. 4, 2012 at 12:12 PM
I don't really see things as boundaries it more or less what I feel comfortable doing. And I feel that as you age some things change so just because you didn't feel comfortable with it before you may be ok now. And it like giving out ulitmatums it more like making compromises. But that's my peronal thought on it
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tristansmom74
by on Aug. 4, 2012 at 12:14 PM

 I was thinking more in boundaries as to what you allow people to do to you. I was told that you have to set boundaries in life and let others know what they are. Sounds like and invisible electric fence and they only find it when they hit it.

Quoting gatorswife1401:

I don't really see things as boundaries it more or less what I feel comfortable doing. And I feel that as you age some things change so just because you didn't feel comfortable with it before you may be ok now. And it like giving out ulitmatums it more like making compromises. But that's my peronal thought on it

 

gatorswife1401
by Member on Aug. 4, 2012 at 12:25 PM
But its still what you feel comfy with. For example sexual kinky (spanking, ball gag, riding crop, caning, fisting, etc) how comfy are you having these done to you. And that's where your boundary line is.


Quoting tristansmom74:

 I was thinking more in boundaries as to what you allow people to do to you. I was told that you have to set boundaries in life and let others know what they are. Sounds like and invisible electric fence and they only find it when they hit it.


Quoting gatorswife1401:

I don't really see things as boundaries it more or less what I feel comfortable doing. And I feel that as you age some things change so just because you didn't feel comfortable with it before you may be ok now. And it like giving out ulitmatums it more like making compromises. But that's my peronal thought on it

 


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ferrellmt
by Bronze Member on Aug. 4, 2012 at 12:51 PM
4 moms liked this

HA!

Just watched a video on boundaries at work 2 days ago.

there are five kinds of boundaries:

physical-what we allow to happen to our bodies: personal space, who can touch us and where, when and how they can touch us.

sexual-who we will be intimiate with and how we express our sexuality as we interact with our partner

fiscal-money, and how we share it or not, what we do with it

spiritual-believing as we wish and not being forced to believe otherwise

emotional-the right to our feelings, our thoughts, and to be treated with respect and honor. To not be yelled at or bullied or belittled.

we set boundries (fences) to keep ourselves intact and to teach others how to treat us. They are there to protect us and have nothing to do with others. In other words, boundaries are not about THEM and THEIR response, but about ME, and MY NEEDS.

I set the boundary to say "this is who i am, and what I need"

I do not set a boundary to limit others, (like a threat or punishment) BUT I will not allow others to cross my boundary. When they do, I feel anger, which is a secondary emotion which covers up my fear and hurt. 

Anger makes us set boundaries in the heat of the moment....but we should set boundaries by assessing what we want and need, and laying them down very clearly, with no 'waffling'...or timidity.

Hear the difference::::::

"Stop yelling at me, I can't take it!" (not good)

"Please don't talk to me that way. If you do I will leave the room"  (good)

"I kinda wish you wouldn't keep using drugs, I might have to, ya know, umm, stay away from you more" (bad)

"If you continue to use drugs, I will have to leave the relationship." ( much better)

Boundaries 101:

set clear, simple, concise intentions.

do not be timid, be firm and sure

speak your boundaries to yourself and others

when your boundaries are violated, follow thru on the consequences (esp with your kids, spouse)

remind yourself of your boundaries and why you have them

set boundaries when calm

We teach others how to treat us. 

Does this help at all?



mamaistheword87
by on Aug. 4, 2012 at 12:53 PM
1 mom liked this
"Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is exactly what you're looking for. Changed my life!
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mamaistheword87
by on Aug. 4, 2012 at 12:54 PM
The purpose of boundaries is to set limits for yourself, and control your own actions, not those of others (an impossible feat). Knowing when to say yes, no, and walk away is key.


Quoting tristansmom74:

 I was thinking more in boundaries as to what you allow people to do to you. I was told that you have to set boundaries in life and let others know what they are. Sounds like and invisible electric fence and they only find it when they hit it.


Quoting gatorswife1401:

I don't really see things as boundaries it more or less what I feel comfortable doing. And I feel that as you age some things change so just because you didn't feel comfortable with it before you may be ok now. And it like giving out ulitmatums it more like making compromises. But that's my peronal thought on it

 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ferrellmt
by Bronze Member on Aug. 4, 2012 at 12:57 PM

The invisible fence analogy:

this is why you have to be very clear in your own mind what they are.  It is less like the invisible fence and more like a child approaching the street...

"Hey your'e getting prettly close to the street, come on back.."  

when someone looks like they are gonna cross your boundary, you FEEL it, and that is when you remind them (and yourself) that they are getting a little too close for comfort...and you tell them to back off.

and if they don't, you shine a spotlight on that boundary. If they back off, great. Move on. It is when they are told what the boundary is and they keep approaching, and then cross it, that you want to ask yourself...
"why would I allow this person to violate my sense of self? Why would they not respect my needs and why would I put up with it?"

that will tell you a lot, right there. 

tristansmom74
by on Aug. 4, 2012 at 1:01 PM

 That helps a great deal. Thank you!!!

Quoting ferrellmt:

HA!

Just watched a video on boundaries at work 2 days ago.

there are five kinds of boundaries:

physical-what we allow to happen to our bodies: personal space, who can touch us and where, when and how they can touch us.

sexual-who we will be intimiate with and how we express our sexuality as we interact with our partner

fiscal-money, and how we share it or not, what we do with it

spiritual-believing as we wish and not being forced to believe otherwise

emotional-the right to our feelings, our thoughts, and to be treated with respect and honor. To not be yelled at or bullied or belittled.

we set boundries (fences) to keep ourselves intact and to teach others how to treat us. They are there to protect us and have nothing to do with others. In other words, boundaries are not about THEM and THEIR response, but about ME, and MY NEEDS.

I set the boundary to say "this is who i am, and what I need"

I do not set a boundary to limit others, (like a threat or punishment) BUT I will not allow others to cross my boundary. When they do, I feel anger, which is a secondary emotion which covers up my fear and hurt. 

Anger makes us set boundaries in the heat of the moment....but we should set boundaries by assessing what we want and need, and laying them down very clearly, with no 'waffling'...or timidity.

Hear the difference::::::

"Stop yelling at me, I can't take it!" (not good)

"Please don't talk to me that way. If you do I will leave the room"  (good)

"I kinda wish you wouldn't keep using drugs, I might have to, ya know, umm, stay away from you more" (bad)

"If you continue to use drugs, I will have to leave the relationship." ( much better)

Boundaries 101:

set clear, simple, concise intentions.

do not be timid, be firm and sure

speak your boundaries to yourself and others

when your boundaries are violated, follow thru on the consequences (esp with your kids, spouse)

remind yourself of your boundaries and why you have them

set boundaries when calm

We teach others how to treat us. 

Does this help at all?


 

 

goldilocksbecky
by on Aug. 4, 2012 at 1:47 PM

It's about letting other's know how you expect to be treated.  Not with the attitude that you will necessarily change/control their behavior . . . but with the knowledge that you control (and in some cases need to change) how you respond to it.

"If you choose to do ___, then I will choose to not be present for it."     I can't control what you choose to do, I can only control how I respong to it.

One important part of that is being willing to follow through with what you say.  If your Dad yells hurtful, degrading things to your son and you've asked him not to, then you need to say, "If you choose to yell hurtful, degrading things to Sonny, then we will choose to limit our contact with you (not be around you, not have a relationship with you). 

But here's the important part.  You have to actually MEAN IT and be willing to carry through with it.  Even if it's inconvenient.  Even if it means you leave on Thanksgiving day, before you've eaten.  Even if your dad is the one you always call when your car breaks down or your plumbing backs up.  You have to decide that what you're expecting is more important and is worth those other sacrifices. 

That's one of the main reasons that so many women continue to let abusive husbands, overbearing parents, etc. keep doing what they do.  They don't think they (and their being treated with dignity and respect) are worth the sacrifices that might have to be made to carry through with expecting better from others. 

inspain
by on Aug. 4, 2012 at 2:03 PM

Don't give people personal information until you've formed a bond of trust with them and don't ask intimate questions of people until you've really gotten to know them and have reached a certain level of friendship with them.  

And, yeah, you can just walk up to a loved one and say that.  If it's what you're feeling and they're not reading you well enough to repect normal boundaries, then by all means, say it.  It's not an ultimatum, you're asking for what you need.  If they cannot or will not respect that, at least you learn quickly and can move on.    

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