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I don't know what to do about this...

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I am so upset with my 13 year old!
She asked to go to the drive in with friends I asked several times if an adult would be with them the whole time. She said yes. The plan was they would meet at mc Donald's and eat then the friends mom was going to take them to the movie. Well hubs dropped her off at mc Donald's and picked her up from the drive in. Apparently they walked from mc Donald's to the drive in at 6 at night (it's starting to get dark by then) then they went to an entirely different movie than the friends mom was even watching. I wasn't really comfortable with Te idea anyway because I don't know the friends mom well but I gave her the benefit of the doubt but letting a group of young teens wander around the drive in in the dark is not ok. I already told her that she's not going to be hanging out with those friends again unless myself or one of her friends who's parents I know well is there but, I don't know what to do about lastnight. My thought is as soon as the plans where different from what he told us she should have called us and told us in which case I would have picked her up. Since she didn't call and just went along with it she was lying to us about where she would be and with who. I don't know that grounding her would do much since most of the time she's not home she's doing school stuff anyway. I did tell her I expected the house to be clean when we got back from skating.
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by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 4:12 PM
Replies (21-30):
by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 5:42 PM
1 mom liked this

There was nothing snippy about my response.

I thought I was being rather polite.

Quoting christina0607:

Snippy much, lol.

Quoting FooLynRoo:

Good thing I don't care what you think then huh?

Quoting christina0607:

I'm all for giving kids appropriate freedoms and space....but seriously I think you have things very poorparenting skills to allow 13 yos to wander dark parking lots full of unlit cars.

Quoting FooLynRoo:

Okay  - how I would handle it.

I would explain to her - that as soon as plans had changed that you expected a call.

Tell her you did not like that she did not let you know she wasn't being supervised.

Then I would tell her in the future - when plans change you expect a call and you will make a judgement based on the situation (not necessarily call an end to it)

She's 13 not a little kid. I think within a drive in , they would be okay so long as an adult is on premises that they could go to.

This is the age where they start getting limited responsibility and free range.

And ask your child for that trust - and return it. Such as next time plans change, offer for YOU to supervise, or ask her to instead to text you ever 30 mins that she's okay.

by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 5:47 PM

Guess in the future the best thing is to coordinate with the parents directly even if your daughter doesn't know that you are talking with them  I usually do this my boys who are a lot younger.  They will say they are doing something with friends and then I just call the parents to be sure we are all on the same page.  I think I might have to have some rules that they cannot go places where I don't know the parents.  One parent took my kids to a ballgame, without his kids, long drive into the city and I actually called him to make sure that he wouldn't be drinking, not that I had seen him drinking around his children.  I am slowly making a mental list of appropriate families and not so appropriate families where I can let my children over to their houses.  Mostly concerned with alcohol and access to drugs.  But my kids are in a lot of activities which I help participate in and that gives me a good idea of the character of the families. Don't know what I will do when they get older tho.  

by Gold Member on Oct. 7, 2012 at 5:49 PM
My Rule of thumb was .... I always talk to the parents to make sure What my girls were saying Was exactly what the parents were doing...
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by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 5:50 PM

I would be upset with her lying to me for sure!

Good thing I have boys! thank god! lol

by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 5:51 PM
I would ground her. This will only be the beginning of her not listening to you and doing what her friends say. Ground her for a week from those friends. Make sure she knows why. Just my opinion I don't have teenagers but I was a pretty bad one.
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by Silver Member on Oct. 7, 2012 at 6:02 PM
I would be more mad at the mom who was supposed to be in charge,she was not responsible at all!!
As for my daughter there would be no phone,no computer,and after she's done doing school stuff she is to bring her behind straight home!!! Since she doesn't know how to use her cell phone To communicate with her parents then she doesn't need one at all,
Also no outings for a long time,and no more outings ever with that mom
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by Silver Member on Oct. 7, 2012 at 6:14 PM

I agree with how you feel about what happened.  But I think that expecting a 13 year old to have the wherewithal to know to call you when plans change is expecting a bit much.  At that age, they're so flaky.  I doubt she really understood how much of a big deal it was until she saw you get upset over it.  I wouldn't let her around them again, but I don't think I would take it out on her so much.  I would be a lot more mad at the other mother in this particular scenario.

by Taco Bell Princess on Oct. 7, 2012 at 6:14 PM
Everything hinges on how you handle this.

Tell her first that you're not trying to rule or ruin her life. But she needs to understand that by walking around at night she puts herself at risk for:
-human traffickers, etc.

explain that even at your age you would be wary of doing that, but as you age you get more wise to the dangers which heightens your ability to recognize and avoid them.

You thought there was such an adult with you watching for those things as you would but that wasn't the case and that put you at risk so you're pissed.

That said, if she shows an understanding of the why, I wouldn't punish her past not letting her go out in another type of situation until you're confident that she truly understands the risks of going out unaccompanied.
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by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 6:20 PM

I think what you need to do is start allowing her age-appropriate activities, such as this. Forcing her to choose between leaving or lying to you is unfair.
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by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 6:27 PM
I don't thing walking around a dark car filled drive in us age appropriate. I have allowed her to go to the movies during the day with a group of friends and go to the mall with a group of friends had I known that there was not going to appropriate supervision then I would have not allow her to go at all. It is important for her to always call me if there is a change in plans so I know where she will be and how she's getting there. It's not fair to me that I though my kid was supervised by an adult only to find out she was not. Had she called I could have had hubs go and drive them and stay with them we don't mind driving kids around or supervising outings but since I didn't know anything could have happened.

Quoting Liyoness:

I think what you need to do is start allowing her age-appropriate activities, such as this. Forcing her to choose between leaving or lying to you is unfair.
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