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Adjusting to NOT being a single mom anymore?

Posted by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 1:43 PM
  • 14 Replies
I've been a single mom for eleven years since my oldest dd was born, I also have a 16 month old son. I recently started dating a man who had three children of his own and he wants to help with my kids. I'm kind of a control freak and am having a hard time adjusting to someone helping me. Even little things like bringing in groceries. I'm just so used to doing everything on my own. He gets frustrated because I try not to let him. Is this normal? Any advice on adjusting? Thanks ladies!
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 1:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
charliebean
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 1:46 PM
I don't know if it's normal per say, but I'm the same way and I know people who are uncomfortable with help like that too. So I don't think it's uncommon.
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grey7399
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 1:51 PM

I could sooooo get addicted to being a single parent.  Compromising and mediating between hubby & the kids is sooooo exhausting.  I'm sure I'd become a really unlikeable dictator in no time flat, lol.


Since I can envision this happening and I've been co-parenting since day one, yeah, you're normal.  

Advice on adjusting.... My biggest epiphany happened when I came home from grocery shopping to see a baby toddling around the yard with a diaper held on with duct tape (not to the skin).  

Who am I to criticise?  it worked.  Its not my choice.  But it worked for him.


So look things over, evaluate.  Is what the man wants to do reasonable?  Does it work?  Its not YOUR way but does it work?  Its VERY hard to let go of doing things a certain way - now that I think about it, I had to do that in simple day to day stuff too.  Not just parenting the kids.

Rocker.Mom.07
by Rockin' It on Nov. 11, 2012 at 1:51 PM

Hopefully he can be patient with you and understand that you have been doing this on your own and have your set ways. I would talk to him, if you haven't already, about what you are used to and that him being around helping is new to you. If he has issues with things, he needs to talk to you. Keep an open communication or you both will just be continuously frustrated with each other.

I have't been a single mom very long...but I feel like I have with how shitty my ex was. So the guy I am dating understands what I went through with my ex and he is very patient and understanding. He is proving to me that he is not like my ex, gaining my trust daily and he is amazing. I hope your boyfriend can be patient and understanding with you as you go through this new chapter in your life. 

alwayskk
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 2:02 PM

I've been thinking about this lately also. So far, it hasn't been a big deal.

I was getting annoyed with the place he kept leaving his stuff. I made a new area for him. He didn't move his stuff. So I just talked to him about it and explained that i kept tripping over his stuff. So he agreed and now he does it. I don't like the way he does dishes so I asked him not to do that at all.

Just talk to each other. Compromise isn't a bad thing.

As far as helping you...certainly he can bring in the groceries. It's not like putting them away, you're just carrying them in the house. Ask what chores he prefers doing, he'll probably do them better than the ones he doesn't like.

lynzmack
by Member on Nov. 11, 2012 at 2:42 PM
His ways work it's just very different than mine, he's more disciplinary and I'm more nurturing. So that's a huge adjustment for me. He just gets frustrated cause I don't let him do anything and I don't discipline really lol.
Paperfishies
by Platinum Member on Nov. 11, 2012 at 2:44 PM
1 mom liked this
Why would someone who you just recently started dating be disciplining your children?


Quoting lynzmack:

His ways work it's just very different than mine, he's more disciplinary and I'm more nurturing. So that's a huge adjustment for me. He just gets frustrated cause I don't let him do anything and I don't discipline really lol.

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kansasmom1978
by Katie on Nov. 11, 2012 at 2:44 PM

My mom cannot keep a man because she's been single for so long she can't adjust. I myself have not been alone in 12 years. I can't imagine

veganistic
by Gold Member on Nov. 11, 2012 at 2:54 PM
1 mom liked this
This... I think this is something that takes time to adjust to. If you guys are a recent couple why would you feel comfortable letting him help you? You don't even really know him. I'd be uncomfortable too.

Quoting Paperfishies:

Why would someone who you just recently started dating be disciplining your children?




Quoting lynzmack:

His ways work it's just very different than mine, he's more disciplinary and I'm more nurturing. So that's a huge adjustment for me. He just gets frustrated cause I don't let him do anything and I don't discipline really lol.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
lynzmack
by Member on Nov. 11, 2012 at 3:00 PM
We do talk about it a lot but I get frustrated cause he expects me to change overnight and I think it takes time to adjust to new surroundings and people. I don't disagree with it. I just need time...
sucker4myloves
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 3:05 PM

I think it's normal. I was a single mother before my husband came along and decided that DS was his son too (lol), but it was a hard adjustment to let someone else make decisions and have an input on how he's raised. And he's only just about to be two! You've been doing it YOUR way for eleven years! I think it's absolutely normal to have trouble letting go. Just remember though; don't give him too much leeway right now. You're dating, not married. He shouldn't become a big figure in your children's lives until the relationship is cemented.

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