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When is enough, enough and actually beneficial to the kids?? Advice please!

Posted by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 9:54 AM
  • 35 Replies

O.K. ladies, a little back story first.....my DH and I have been married for 3 years, together for 7....I have an 11 year old DD and we have a 17 mo DS together. He's always been a wonderful provider for the family etc. but we've always had an underlying tension that has finally just erupted....I can't take it anymore. Since DS has been born, DH has totally lost interest in myself or my DD....I guess cause she's not his child. He always treated her like his own, but since DS he constantly stays on her, never has anything nice to say etc. I know it's also got something to do with her age, she's a smart mouth preteen some days, but also a very helpful, smart girl, and I can't watch this anymore....he's gotten to where he'll get pissed at me and go out and drink, come home, or not etc.....always blames his actions on myself and DD. I finally told him just to leave if he was so miserable with us...and he did Nov 1. My dilemma is my DS, who really misses his dad, and DH is having a really hard time as well with being away from DS. DS spent the whole weekend with him, and we will continue to do that etc....but I don't even think DH misses me and DD.....Should I stick this out and move on, or try to work it out for DS??? I'm so confused, and I have to think about DD as well, it's just not fair to her, what do u ladies think??

by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 9:54 AM
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Replies (1-10):
alwayskk
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 9:57 AM

I think if he missed you, he would let you know. I couldn't stand for that type of behavior, though.

terpmama
by Gold Member on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:00 AM
1 mom liked this
Either counseling or clean break
mary841108
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:03 AM
1 mom liked this

 i think you and dh should have a talk away from the kids. tell him your issues and see what he says. i am a strong believer in trying to communicate and work things out before leaving. every marriage  has issues but they need to be talked out. tell him i want to talk to you but i dont want to fight. if he agrees to it and the talk goes well have him come back but if his actions don't change after that then tell him to kick rocks and move on.

MaddieBsMommy
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:03 AM

that's kind of my feeling on it. I mean, I know he's hurt because I basically finalized all this by telling him to leave, but it was because he never fails to tell DD and I what we do wrong, that we're the cause of his drinking etc.....I keep thinking it's my fault somewhere deep inside, but honestly, he's an adult, isn't it time for him to take some kind of responsibility for his actions. I may be a bitch, but that still gives him no right to treat us the way he has over the years....

Quoting alwayskk:

I think if he missed you, he would let you know. I couldn't stand for that type of behavior, though.


LntLckrsCmQut
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:19 AM
6 moms liked this

If my husband ever told one of my kids that he drinks because of them, I'd have his ass in divorce court so fast. There is absolutely no reason to tell a child that.

MaddieBsMommy
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:29 AM

I've thought about this, but here's the problem....this man is NEVER wrong....he never takes responsibility for any of this....I can't even talk to him about whether the sun came up this morning, he'd have to question it, it's exhausting!! I feel so sorry for DS, and he is absolutely the only reason I'm even second guessing myself. My DD and I both are so much more relaxed, happy etc....the stress level in our home has dropped tremendously, and I know DS picks up on that as well, so that's a plus. I do love this man, to some extent, but sometimes love just doesn't cut it, it takes lots more than love....I hate to let my marriage go, and feel like a failure as far as that goes, but I just don't think he'll ever change....

Quoting mary841108:

 i think you and dh should have a talk away from the kids. tell him your issues and see what he says. i am a strong believer in trying to communicate and work things out before leaving. every marriage  has issues but they need to be talked out. tell him i want to talk to you but i dont want to fight. if he agrees to it and the talk goes well have him come back but if his actions don't change after that then tell him to kick rocks and move on.


connie45
by Gold Member on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:31 AM
3 moms liked this
If after 7 yrs he hasn't grown to truly love your daughter as his own, he never will. She and you deserve far better than he is willing to give.
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gr8d8n3mom
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:32 AM

I do think, you 2 should sit down away from ur home, and try to talk about it all. Not argue just talk. See his reactions to what you have to say. See if you think he is being genuine, and if you feel in ur heart things can be saved. One of the worse things for kids, is the in/out of a parent in the home(ya know?)

I also think, him blaming u and ur dd for his drinking and staying out is a cop out, and total B.S. he didn't have the balls to tell you he wanted to seperate, and made u make the decision.(maybe so  later he could say u threw him out?) 

Quoting MaddieBsMommy:

that's kind of my feeling on it. I mean, I know he's hurt because I basically finalized all this by telling him to leave, but it was because he never fails to tell DD and I what we do wrong, that we're the cause of his drinking etc.....I keep thinking it's my fault somewhere deep inside, but honestly, he's an adult, isn't it time for him to take some kind of responsibility for his actions. I may be a bitch, but that still gives him no right to treat us the way he has over the years....

Quoting alwayskk:

I think if he missed you, he would let you know. I couldn't stand for that type of behavior, though.



mary841108
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:34 AM

 what man is ever wrong lol or at least admit that they are? i mean all you can do is try and if he is still saying the sky is red and the grass is purple then yes it is time to sever the marriage. kids are perceptive as you already can tell by your daughter. in my book, kids come first and if they are in a home surrounded by unhealthy relationships then you would be better off removing them from the situation and making their lives happier. good luck :)

Quoting MaddieBsMommy:

I've thought about this, but here's the problem....this man is NEVER wrong....he never takes responsibility for any of this....I can't even talk to him about whether the sun came up this morning, he'd have to question it, it's exhausting!! I feel so sorry for DS, and he is absolutely the only reason I'm even second guessing myself. My DD and I both are so much more relaxed, happy etc....the stress level in our home has dropped tremendously, and I know DS picks up on that as well, so that's a plus. I do love this man, to some extent, but sometimes love just doesn't cut it, it takes lots more than love....I hate to let my marriage go, and feel like a failure as far as that goes, but I just don't think he'll ever change....

Quoting mary841108:

 i think you and dh should have a talk away from the kids. tell him your issues and see what he says. i am a strong believer in trying to communicate and work things out before leaving. every marriage  has issues but they need to be talked out. tell him i want to talk to you but i dont want to fight. if he agrees to it and the talk goes well have him come back but if his actions don't change after that then tell him to kick rocks and move on.

 

 

MaddieBsMommy
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:35 AM

you're so right, and this is the main reason I can't take it anymore....I don't know that he's ever directly told her that, but in arguments, she and I are always the problem, and I know she's heard that. The last straw was a few days before our official break up, she and I had a little spat, and of course he puts his two cents in.....in the process she said she wanted to live with her dad because of DH......his comment was this " oh yeah, that's what you need to do, you'll be pregnant by the time you're 16"....REALLY, you say this to an 11 year old honor roll student, who cleans, cooks, takes time with her baby brother, and is overall a wonderful kid!! Who says that to a child??? He can't stand her dad's family because they are a threat to his manhood I guess, cause they still love me and we all are civil because of DD....it's freaking ludicrous that he would talk to her like that, I'm still in shock over that comment.....and of course have had in depth conversation with DD over it, and she even said "he's supposed to be an adult"......

Quoting LntLckrsCmQut:

If my husband ever told one of my kids that he drinks because of them, I'd have his ass in divorce court so fast. There is absolutely no reason to tell a child that.


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