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What would you do if you knew a parent like this?

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Moms Who Don't Discipline Their Kids Make Me Crazy


My friend does not believe in disciplining her 2-year-old daughter. Yes, you read that right. My friend, let's call her Lisa, once let her daughter, let's call her Megan, flush the toilet 30 times.Just because she wanted to. When both of them were at my home for dinner, I watched her daughter deliberately pour a glass of water right over my table. I had to say, "No, Megan!" while my friend just smiled.

My friend confesses that at a recent play date, her daughter smeared a gooey snack all over the host mom's bedspread. She apologized to the mom but didn't tell her kid she'd done anything wrong. I've stopped speaking to my friend on the phone while Megan is awake, because she screams endlessly while we talk, blasting a hole in my ear. My friend never once says, "Sweetie, I'm on the phone." Why does she allow all of this? "I guess it's just easier this way," my friend admits. "The truth is, I hate to make my daughter cry."

I asked my friend if she worries that Megan will grow up to be one of those people who believes she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, with no repercussions. "Mmmm … yeahhhh," she reluctantly admits. "But I keep hoping one day I'll start to discipline her. Right now, she's so young. I figure she's like a dog. She's not going to understand what I say anyway." Umm, okay. 

I ask my friend if this could just be making life easier for herself, and she admits it does: "If I tell her not to do something, she pitches a fit. I'd rather just clean up whatever mess she makes than argue with her." She also admits she leaves the role of "bad cop" to her husband, who is more of a discipline type. She also reveals that this is the way she herself grew up - her parents let her do whatever she liked. And, hey, she didn't turn out psycho. 

Lisa says this laissez faire attitude doesn't apply if her kid wants to do something dangerous like, say, run into traffic. But sometimes she prefers to let her kid "learn the hard way." For instance, Megan tried to touch a burning candle and, rather than warn her about it, my friend said, "Go ahead." Megan got her fingers close enough to realize that a candle was nothing to play around with, didn't get burned, and now says, "Hot hot" when she sees a candle. Says Lisa, "She'll learn her lesson that way faster than if I tell her no. If I say no, she just wants to do it more."

My friend admits to feeling guilty in allowing this parenting style to run rampant in public places. She'll take her daughter out of a restaurant or other public place if she's acting up, but there's no lecture afterwards telling her that she didn't behave. 


I've spent a lot of time with Megan (an only child) and her mom, and I've sometimes found myself in the role of disciplinarian at their house. Once when Megan was screaming at the dog for "stealing my food" (the dog was nowhere near her food), I told her in a firm voice to "knock it off." Lisa just grinned. At least my friend doesn't seem to mind if someone else takes over disciplining, but sometimes feels like a burden I don't really want. (I draw the line at letting a kid be a brat with pets!) Interestingly, Megan is very attached to me despite my drawing boundaries. She even seems to welcome them. 

Luckily, Megan is naturally a pretty good kid -- she throws tantrums and is clearly spoiled, but she's also good-hearted, loves people and animals (even the dog she screams at), and in general doesn't act like too much of a lunatic. But I do wonder how she'll fare in the real world one day. And I do feel sorry for her future teachers! 

Does it make you crazy when moms let their kids run the house?

I would so not be able to be around this mother, if one of my friends decided to parent like this I think that would have to be the end of the friendship sadly.

by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 10:18 AM
Replies (71-80):
beethann
by Beth Ann on Nov. 13, 2012 at 2:55 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting mary841108:

 well then you need to be up at 4 am ready to go right along with her lol. i wouldnt trust that melatonin i dont care how natural it supposedly is, its formed naturally by our own hormonal systems and we create what we need, so i dont know about giving kids extra of something they really dont need. my son is 9 and his booty is in bed by 8:30 even on the weekends. kids need 9-10 hours of sleep a night to grow properly and to perform their best at school and at extra curriculars like sports. my kids are up at 6 am 7 days a week, sure i'd love to sleep in but i aint about to drug them to do it, nope i am up and going right along with them. not trying to be rude, just saying.

Quoting Paperfishies:

My 9 year old is in school. She is in her room by 1030 and usually goes right to sleep. On non school nights she has no bed time, or no time she has to be in her room.

My 2 year old gets melatonin just about every night because it helps her sleep straight through the night. Without it, she is back up at 4 am ready to go.


Quoting beethann:


Quoting Paperfishies:

Well, my kids are free range. They sleep when they're body tells them and they're awake when they're body tells them to be, so my 2 year old doesnt have a set bedtime. I give her, her melatonin at around 11 every night and she is usually asleep by 12-1230.



Make bedtime fun. Every night when she gets in bed play a round of her favorite game. Also, don't allow her to take a nap during the day. By the time bedtime rolls around she will be too tired to fight it.





Quoting beethann:


Quoting Paperfishies:

Because after being redirected a few times she realizes she isnt supposed to do whatever she was doing. You take them out of the situation and redirect their attention to an acceptable activity.








Quoting Rowdys.Mommy:

So how does your two your old know the difference between right and wrong.

Quoting Paperfishies:

I don't discipline my 2 year old.  I redirect her.




My 9 year old gets electronics taken away and loses privileges.





What about at bedtime? I don't know if your 2 year old has problems going to bed. But I have a really really hard time with my 3 year old and I don't want to discipline her for bedtime, but i have no idea how to redirect the situation. I'm talking screaming, crying, throwing a fit type behavior at bedtime.  do you have any suggestions?



Your kids go to bed whenever they want? at 11?? What are you going to do when they have to go to school and be on a schedule? And you give your child Meletonin? Everynight??


Been there, done all that, and she continues to scream and cry at night.  She is up at 6 every morning. She can go all day without a nap, but then is a BEAR by night time. and by bedtime she is just plain overtired and struggles to go to sleep. 


 

I'm totally agreeing with you. I'm the same with my kids!

Rowdys.Mommy
by Gold Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 2:56 PM

What are the positive results of this? How does this teach your children disicipline with real life when they get older and learning how to maintain a schedule and go to sleep according to what they have to do the next day?

Quoting Paperfishies:

My 9 year old is in her room by 1030 on school nights and she usually goes right to sleep. On non school nights she has no bed time.
We are a family of night owls, this works for us.



Rowdys.Mommy
by Gold Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 2:59 PM

He is three. He is pretty good about laying down once he cries it out for a second and realizes that I do not acknowledge his fit. If he did continuously get out of bed then I would try using the super nanny method and just continuously put them back in bed without saying anything to them or acknowledging them. And if my son destroyed his room like that out of spite for not getting his way, I'd take everything away!

Quoting beethann:



how old is your son? River will just get out of bed and open the door and continue her fit. If we were to get a gate for the door she would DESTROY the bedroom. She's evil :)


lovebugs_mom906
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 3:01 PM
1 mom liked this
I would remind her that while she may think her daughter's behavior s cute now at 2 (but really, it's not cute!), but it won't be nearly so cut when she's 12 or 13. My neice was that child, she is now the kind of kid I won't let my kids around because she's just ugly when she doesn't get her way. And guess what, she's a lot harder to discipline and teach things to at her age. I would rather deal with those issues at 2 instead of 12.
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mary841108
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 3:04 PM

 

Quoting beethann:


Quoting mary841108:

 well then you need to be up at 4 am ready to go right along with her lol. i wouldnt trust that melatonin i dont care how natural it supposedly is, its formed naturally by our own hormonal systems and we create what we need, so i dont know about giving kids extra of something they really dont need. my son is 9 and his booty is in bed by 8:30 even on the weekends. kids need 9-10 hours of sleep a night to grow properly and to perform their best at school and at extra curriculars like sports. my kids are up at 6 am 7 days a week, sure i'd love to sleep in but i aint about to drug them to do it, nope i am up and going right along with them. not trying to be rude, just saying.


 

 

I'm totally agreeing with you. I'm the same with my kids!

 sheesh, maybe we should try this new free range thing lol. there was no redirecting when the kids were little it was straight "no!" or "um, no, we dont do that" and bedtime is non-negotiable. dinner is non-negotiable (i am not a short order cook, what i make is what you get! there is even a sign when you walk in my kitchen-todays menu: 2 choices; Take it or Leave it.) homework is done as soon as you walk in the door no questions asked, you will clean up after yourself and you better not try to walk out that door in the morning with out your bed being made and without a jacket on...if you want to be cute and walk out this door in 30 degree weather not dressed properly well then you can be just as cute when you are sick and walking to the doctors by yourself! lol. i think my kids would love this free range nonsense.

beethann
by Beth Ann on Nov. 13, 2012 at 3:05 PM


Quoting Rowdys.Mommy:

He is three. He is pretty good about laying down once he cries it out for a second and realizes that I do not acknowledge his fit. If he did continuously get out of bed then I would try using the super nanny method and just continuously put them back in bed without saying anything to them or acknowledging them. And if my son destroyed his room like that out of spite for not getting his way, I'd take everything away!

Quoting beethann:



how old is your son? River will just get out of bed and open the door and continue her fit. If we were to get a gate for the door she would DESTROY the bedroom. She's evil :)


*sigh* its just so hard. We did the supernanny method for three months. I actually started by actually sittinging in her room and every night I moved to closer to the door. And then for months I was stuck in the hallway because as soon as I would go downstairs it was hell. It would take her an hour to half an hour to just fall asleep so I could get away and go downstairs. I finally decided enough was enough and decided I wasn't sitting in the hallway anymore. She shares a room with her 8 year old brother. We live in a tiny freaking farm house so taking everything out of the room or her having her own room with nothing in it, is out of the question. which is a HUGE barrier for us. 

Paperfishies
by Platinum Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 3:05 PM
Only for the 2 year old. She is possibly autistic and has been going through the evaluation process since march. Her pediatrician recommended it. We usually do 2 weeks on the melatonin and 1 week off. She has no set time that I wake her up in the morning, she wakes up on her own usually around 9-11am. Sometimes a bit earlier. She may or may not take a nap during the day etc. she is "mostly" free range. The melatonin is mostly for me because *I* do need to sleep sometime, I need at least 6 solid hours a night, to function during the day. Before the melatonin I was going to bed at 1 and waking up at 4 am with her and averaging 4 hours a night.


Quoting A.J.s_mommy:

They sleep when their body tells them and wake when their body tells them, but you use melatonin? I'm a little confused, and no...I'm not being rude.



Quoting Paperfishies:

My 9 year old is in school. She is in her room by 1030 and usually goes right to sleep. On non school nights she has no bed time, or no time she has to be in her room.





My 2 year old gets melatonin just about every night because it helps her sleep straight through the night. Without it, she is back up at 4 am ready to go.






Quoting beethann:


Quoting Paperfishies:

Well, my kids are free range. They sleep when they're body tells them and they're awake when they're body tells them to be, so my 2 year old doesnt have a set bedtime. I give her, her melatonin at around 11 every night and she is usually asleep by 12-1230.







Make bedtime fun. Every night when she gets in bed play a round of her favorite game. Also, don't allow her to take a nap during the day. By the time bedtime rolls around she will be too tired to fight it.











Quoting beethann:


Quoting Paperfishies:

Because after being redirected a few times she realizes she isnt supposed to do whatever she was doing. You take them out of the situation and redirect their attention to an acceptable activity.














Quoting Rowdys.Mommy:

So how does your two your old know the difference between right and wrong.

Quoting Paperfishies:

I don't discipline my 2 year old.  I redirect her.






My 9 year old gets electronics taken away and loses privileges.







What about at bedtime? I don't know if your 2 year old has problems going to bed. But I have a really really hard time with my 3 year old and I don't want to discipline her for bedtime, but i have no idea how to redirect the situation. I'm talking screaming, crying, throwing a fit type behavior at bedtime.  do you have any suggestions?





Your kids go to bed whenever they want? at 11?? What are you going to do when they have to go to school and be on a schedule? And you give your child Meletonin? Everynight??


Been there, done all that, and she continues to scream and cry at night.  She is up at 6 every morning. She can go all day without a nap, but then is a BEAR by night time. and by bedtime she is just plain overtired and struggles to go to sleep. 



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beethann
by Beth Ann on Nov. 13, 2012 at 3:07 PM


Quoting mary841108:

 

Quoting beethann:


Quoting mary841108:

 well then you need to be up at 4 am ready to go right along with her lol. i wouldnt trust that melatonin i dont care how natural it supposedly is, its formed naturally by our own hormonal systems and we create what we need, so i dont know about giving kids extra of something they really dont need. my son is 9 and his booty is in bed by 8:30 even on the weekends. kids need 9-10 hours of sleep a night to grow properly and to perform their best at school and at extra curriculars like sports. my kids are up at 6 am 7 days a week, sure i'd love to sleep in but i aint about to drug them to do it, nope i am up and going right along with them. not trying to be rude, just saying.


 

 

I'm totally agreeing with you. I'm the same with my kids!

 sheesh, maybe we should try this new free range thing lol. there was no redirecting when the kids were little it was straight "no!" or "um, no, we dont do that" and bedtime is non-negotiable. dinner is non-negotiable (i am not a short order cook, what i make is what you get! there is even a sign when you walk in my kitchen-todays menu: 2 choices; Take it or Leave it.) homework is done as soon as you walk in the door no questions asked, you will clean up after yourself and you better not try to walk out that door in the morning with out your bed being made and without a jacket on...if you want to be cute and walk out this door in 30 degree weather not dressed properly well then you can be just as cute when you are sick and walking to the doctors by yourself! lol. i think my kids would love this free range nonsense.

haha. I love it! You sound just as strict as we are. My family and freinds think I'm a little *too* strict. I call it being respectful and responsible!! *shrug*

Rowdys.Mommy
by Gold Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 3:08 PM

I'm sorry :-( I have no clue what to say

Quoting beethann:



*sigh* its just so hard. We did the supernanny method for three months. I actually started by actually sittinging in her room and every night I moved to closer to the door. And then for months I was stuck in the hallway because as soon as I would go downstairs it was hell. It would take her an hour to half an hour to just fall asleep so I could get away and go downstairs. I finally decided enough was enough and decided I wasn't sitting in the hallway anymore. She shares a room with her 8 year old brother. We live in a tiny freaking farm house so taking everything out of the room or her having her own room with nothing in it, is out of the question. which is a HUGE barrier for us. 


Paperfishies
by Platinum Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 3:10 PM
No, my 9 year old doesnt need it, she gets enough sleep... my 2 year old is possibly autistic, she has been undergoing evaluations since march. It is physiologically impossible fr your body to become dependent on melatonin. That is like someone who takes vitamin D becoming dependent on vitamin D. Yes your body produces it, however some people's body don't produce enough, so they end up not getting enough sleep. She does 2 weeks on it and 2 weeks off of it, under the direction of her pediatrician.


Quoting beethann:


Quoting Paperfishies:

My 9 year old is in school. She is in her room by 1030 and usually goes right to sleep. On non school nights she has no bed time, or no time she has to be in her room.



My 2 year old gets melatonin just about every night because it helps her sleep straight through the night. Without it, she is back up at 4 am ready to go.





Quoting beethann:


Quoting Paperfishies:

Well, my kids are free range. They sleep when they're body tells them and they're awake when they're body tells them to be, so my 2 year old doesnt have a set bedtime. I give her, her melatonin at around 11 every night and she is usually asleep by 12-1230.





Make bedtime fun. Every night when she gets in bed play a round of her favorite game. Also, don't allow her to take a nap during the day. By the time bedtime rolls around she will be too tired to fight it.








Quoting beethann:


Quoting Paperfishies:

Because after being redirected a few times she realizes she isnt supposed to do whatever she was doing. You take them out of the situation and redirect their attention to an acceptable activity.











Quoting Rowdys.Mommy:

So how does your two your old know the difference between right and wrong.

Quoting Paperfishies:

I don't discipline my 2 year old.  I redirect her.





My 9 year old gets electronics taken away and loses privileges.






What about at bedtime? I don't know if your 2 year old has problems going to bed. But I have a really really hard time with my 3 year old and I don't want to discipline her for bedtime, but i have no idea how to redirect the situation. I'm talking screaming, crying, throwing a fit type behavior at bedtime.  do you have any suggestions?




Your kids go to bed whenever they want? at 11?? What are you going to do when they have to go to school and be on a schedule? And you give your child Meletonin? Everynight??


Been there, done all that, and she continues to scream and cry at night.  She is up at 6 every morning. She can go all day without a nap, but then is a BEAR by night time. and by bedtime she is just plain overtired and struggles to go to sleep. 



did you do that with your other child? I just don't like the idea about melatonin use for everynight. Especially a child. Her body will become dependent on it. 

But I don't know your life, so I'm not going to outright judge. 


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