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Thanksgiving...family..hell...help!

Posted by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 4:29 PM
  • 11 Replies

OK, families can suck, holidays can suck.  There is a lot of tension in my family between my parents and DH/me.  Long story short, my parents thought DH was abusive (they had a reason to think it, but refused to believe me when I was telling the truth and he has never raised a hand to me) and totally went off on him , threatening him, etc..then when I continued with my life (we were literally in the process of moving in together) they stopped speaking to me for two years...finally I reached out to them and things started to get better.  There was another "falling" out about a year later, then over the past 3-4 years, things have gotten better..or so I thought.  DH told me last night that he is still extremely uncomfortable around them (I see them like once or twice a month, DH sees them I guess about 8 times a year I would say...all bdays and holidays, and on occasion for no reason).  My parents have never apologized to me or DH for how they treated us.

My brother's girlfriend is pregnant, and they want to make a big to-do about announcing it to my kids (DS10 is mine, SD9 is DH's, but we have full custody of her, her biomom doesn't even call her, SD calls me mom, she is my DD and I have been in her life since she was 5 months old, so she really is my DD....but she is not as accepted and doted on as my DS is in that family...so that's another spot of tension).  DH thinks they shouldn't announce it to our kids bc it's not that big of a deal, plus I am super annoyed bc they are on welfare, live with my parents, and are not married.  DH and I rent from my MIL and want to get pregnant, but we won't bc we are waiting to buy our own house.

So there are just a ton of emotions involved in all of this.  I had told my mom we would be coming on Thursday for dessert (we do dinner at our home with my MIL and brother-in-laws) like we have for the past couple years.  Now DH said he really doesn't want to go bc it's hard for him to watch the complete lack of respect my parents have for me (and in turn, for DH and for SD).  He said he will go because it is up to me, it's my family and he will support me.  But I feel so torn.  I am very big on supporting my DH and doing as he wishes (he doesn't ask for much and he always supports me in everything even when he doesn't agree)..but I only have one set of parents and the one brother.  So even though my family sucks, they are my only family, you know?

So what would you do?  Also, my DS will be disappointed if we don't go, but it won't really matter to SD.  Honestly, I would rather not go, but I feel guilty...I always feel so damn guilty.

by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 4:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Due9
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 4:40 PM

Can you just go alone if your dh is that uncomfortable around them? I wouldn't want to put my husband through that if he feels that strongly and if the history is the bad.

AMBG825
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 4:49 PM
1 mom liked this

 Honestly, I would go for dessert and leave DH and SD at home.

rowseylove
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 5:23 PM
IMO... if she does this, its pretty much telling sd that they don't care for her as much as ds. OP: if it was me, i would stay home w/ my family. Tell your brother to come there if he wants to tell your kids that bad.


Quoting AMBG825:

 Honestly, I would go for dessert and leave DH and SD at home.


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AmericanChild82
by Chrissy on Nov. 20, 2012 at 5:27 PM

 I'd go with your son and leave dh and sd at home. Just tell them sd wasn't feeling so well and so your hubby decided to stay home with her.

AMBG825
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 5:29 PM
I'm of the opinion that it isn't her granddaughter. Some people, particularly older ones, place a huge significance on blood. You cannot force someone to accept someone as family if the don't want them. However, it it still OP's mother.
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1likeme
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 5:47 PM
I wouldn't go. You are right that you only have one family but you only have one life too and you get to chose who you allow into your life. It sounds like your parents don't really give a shit about family. If they did they would not be treating YOUR family like that.
TJandKarasMom
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 6:20 PM


Quoting AMBG825:

I'm of the opinion that it isn't her granddaughter. Some people, particularly older ones, place a huge significance on blood. You cannot force someone to accept someone as family if the don't want them. However, it it still OP's mother.

My mother is 48.  She's not very old, lol.  And she has completely accepted my brothers gf, totally supports her in everything-including her trying to get pregnant while living with my parents, and being on welfare and unmarried, not going to school, not working.  She allows her to call my mom "mom" and treats her better than she treats me.  So I don't care about "blood" and I don't think she does that much either.  I understood it at first, bc you never know if a relationship will work out and whatever...but DH and I have been together for 9 years-only married for 1.5. 

I would never leave DH and SD home and go without either of them (unless SD was actually sick or really didn't want to go).  SD wants to be accepted and loved by them, and she deserves to me.  The kid has had enough crap in her life.  I think going with just DS sends the wrong message to my manipulative parents and I wouldn't do that.

Caitlin10081989
by Ruby Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 6:21 PM

Tell them that you can not go. I would not go. 

TJandKarasMom
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 6:22 PM


Quoting Due9:

Can you just go alone if your dh is that uncomfortable around them? I wouldn't want to put my husband through that if he feels that strongly and if the history is the bad.

Most of the time I just take the kids to visit.  It's just the holidays/birthdays that DH usually comes too, and I always tell him he doesn't have to.  I think he *wants* to be a part of the family and wants to feel comfortable, but he just never will I don't think.  Especially with their unwillingness to accept or admit that they were wrong in how they behaved toward him. 

I will not force him to go, but I think if I go he will.  I'm just trying to decide if I will go or not...

TJandKarasMom
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 6:23 PM


Quoting 1likeme:

I wouldn't go. You are right that you only have one family but you only have one life too and you get to chose who you allow into your life. It sounds like your parents don't really give a shit about family. If they did they would not be treating YOUR family like that.

I totally agree with you.  I wish I could just tell me parents how I feel, but I can never get it out right.  I tried writing my mom a letter once and she just told me I was like my (bipolar) grandfather and never talked to me about anything I wrote. 

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