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What would you do? Long sorry!! PIOG

Posted by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 8:17 PM
  • 5 Replies

I am really torn on what to do here, I think I am doing the right thing but I do feel somewhat bad about it.  This may be a bit jumbled because I am still trying to sort everything out so I apologize in advance.  First my daughter is 4.5 and lately has been very anxious about death- she cries (bawls really) several nights a week saying that she wished people didn't have to die and things like that.  

On Sunday my husband's uncle passed away suddenly.  The funeral is Saturday and the viewings are Friday.  They are in Maryland and we are in Michigan so it will be about a 12 hour drive.  My husband's family does not get together often- I have never even met some of the cousins and we have been together for ten years.  I would like my daughter to meet all of them but not go to the funeral.  I was telling my husband this while we were talking and my father in-law was there.  I brought up the idea that maybe we could go and I would just keep her at the hotel during these times and then bring her to the luncheon and any other time all of us would be together.  At that point I was told (quite rudely- but I understand his brother in-law just died) by my father in-law that everyone was staying different places and the ONLY time they would all be together was at those two times.  Now my daughter only met this man once for about half an hour when she was 2.5 so she really has no emotional attachment to him and with her anxiety about death right now I don't feel like now is a good time to be taking her to more funerals than "necessary".  

Now on to why I do feel somewhat this past weekend we drove from Michigan to Nebraska to see my sister and her family and to pick up my sister and brother in-law who flew into there from London.  It was a 13 or so hour drive, but my daughter spent a lot of the time being very cranky because she doesn't sleep well in the car.  

Part of my reasoning to not have her go is that we will get home the day before my sister leaves to go back to London and they won't be back until July.  My daughter is very attached to my sister- we all lived together for 3 years of her life.  She would also miss Christmas with my family, which she loves to go to but we have missed that before so that isn't really a big deal.  My biggest thing is definitely the anxiety that she already has with death at this point. 

Anyway long story short- Am I really being as awful as my father in-law wants to  make me feel?  We usually all get along really well so I was just shocked that he was so rude about it, especially after I told him that his grandchild has been crying about death regularly as it is.  I feel like I am doing the right thing and we did ask our daughter which she would like to do and she chose to stay home (which is major because she hasn't been away from us for more than a night and normally ALWAYS wants to be with us) but still my father in-law is trying to make me feel terrible about it.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 8:17 PM
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Replies (1-5):
iggwhipped72
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 8:34 PM
You have to ultimately do what right for your child. Sometimes, that means someone will be pissed at you. That's their problem, not yours.
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pasteeater
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 9:12 PM
I wouldn't take her either. Thats very stressful for every one. A child that age will want to play.
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wildlilacs
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 9:20 PM
You stay home, dh goes to his uncle's funeral. He can explain a 12 hr trip w a cranky kid is not fun, and her being fearful and all, it was best for him to go by himself.
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dusky_rose
by Sue on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:08 AM

Your daughter may not be old enough to understand this whole death thing. I went through this with my son last year when my SIL passed away. I even did some research online of how to talk to your young child about death. We took our son to the memorial, but he wouldn't sit still through it. My DH ended up taking him to the reception area of the church so that he could play with the other children. Anyhow, here are some links about talking to your child about death in case you are interested: http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-preschooler-about-death_65688.bc?page=1
http://www.pedsforparents.com/articles/3066.shtml
http://204.3.139.179/html/talking.html

Sue ~ Head Admin
~ D.V. Survivor/Admin

Mommy2_two
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:17 AM

I agree

Quoting wildlilacs:

You stay home, dh goes to his uncle's funeral. He can explain a 12 hr trip w a cranky kid is not fun, and her being fearful and all, it was best for him to go by himself.


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