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Adjusting issues with an 8 year old

Posted by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:26 PM
  • 50 Replies

About a week ago me and my EX broke up he is the father of my kids and has made no real attempt to see his kids sence i moved on on sunday. He will send a text to my son but that is about it. My son has been down this road before this is the third time we have broken up and this time i am done for good. The other times my son seem to do ok with adjusting. This time though he seems to be struggling with adjusting. I have been trying to make it easy for him and help him as much as i can but still nothing. We are set to move in to a 2 bedroom apartment in a couple weeks and ny mom just came in and said we should have just got a 1 bedroom because my son has been sleeping in my room with me. She says its pointless to spend all this money on a 2 bedroom if hes not going to sleep in his room. I understand why my son has been sleeping in my room and i have tried to explain to him that he is a big boy and that he needs to try to sleep in his room. Last night he made it in his room most of the night but for some reason ended up in my bed again. Any advice would be great thanks.

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by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:26 PM
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waffa
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:35 PM

talk to him about how he's feeling and look into therapy. you'd be surprised what you hear; when we split my then 7 y/o dd thought is was her fault. I reassured her she had NOTHING to do with it and got her into counselling.

she's fine now, but her Dad is super involved in her life so that might make the difference. stay on his dad about staying in touch with your son

good luck momma

jenking04
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:45 PM


Quoting waffa:

talk to him about how he's feeling and look into therapy. you'd be surprised what you hear; when we split my then 7 y/o dd thought is was her fault. I reassured her she had NOTHING to do with it and got her into counselling.

she's fine now, but her Dad is super involved in her life so that might make the difference. stay on his dad about staying in touch with your son

good luck momma

He wont talk about his feelings. Hes alot like me and keeps them bottled up. I knew when i walked out the door he would walk out of my kids life. He did it before and he did it to his other kids and it wont change. He would rather live the single life and smoke weed and drink and whatever else he does then to be a dad. It has been atleast 10 years sence he saw his other 2 kids. When we broke up he said people change and that he would be involved in the kids lifes but its hasnt happened yet.

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1likeme
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 2:08 PM
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It will pass. Ignore your mom on this one. Your son needs the security right now but he won't always need it to cope. It is healthy for him to have his own room to go into when he is feeling better. I think you are doing the right thing here.
jenking04
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 2:17 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting 1likeme:

It will pass. Ignore your mom on this one. Your son needs the security right now but he won't always need it to cope. It is healthy for him to have his own room to go into when he is feeling better. I think you are doing the right thing here.

I want my son to know that he can come to me when he feels sad. Now that i am the mom and dad i have to do it all. I want him to have his own room but if it makes him feel alittle better to be sleeping in my bed for the time being i want him to know that its ok. Its not going to last forever and i think when we do move in to our apartment it will be easier for him to adjust.

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jenking04
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 3:40 PM
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WOW i swear some times i feel like i cant do ANYTHING right  when it comes to my parents. I am getting ready to go take a shower and i went ot check on my DD and my mom said " you think you have problems now? Your going to have seriouse problems if you let your 8 year old son sleep with you." One i didnt even know that he slept in my bed last night untill early this morning because i put him to bed in his own room last night. Two he is having problems adjusting to the fact that his dad has not made an attempt to see him or his sister sence we moved out last sunday. And his has been sick and is a mommy's boy when he is sick. And when we get our own place in a couple weeks i'm sure things will be different but i refuse to push my son away when he is having a hard time dealing with all that has been thrown at him lately. He is my son and i will do whatever i can to help him adjust to this new life with just the 3 of us.

waffa
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 9:30 PM

well, that sucks. but please keep trying to get you ds to talk.

as for the 1 or 2 br apt; get the 2 and that way when he is ready to sleep on his own he has a space to call his own...


perhaps in your next relationship you'll look at his past behavior with any kids he has before getting involved then?

not being a bitch, just that past behavior is a predictor of future behavior; it's human nature.

Quoting jenking04:


Quoting waffa:

talk to him about how he's feeling and look into therapy. you'd be surprised what you hear; when we split my then 7 y/o dd thought is was her fault. I reassured her she had NOTHING to do with it and got her into counselling.

she's fine now, but her Dad is super involved in her life so that might make the difference. stay on his dad about staying in touch with your son

good luck momma

He wont talk about his feelings. Hes alot like me and keeps them bottled up. I knew when i walked out the door he would walk out of my kids life. He did it before and he did it to his other kids and it wont change. He would rather live the single life and smoke weed and drink and whatever else he does then to be a dad. It has been atleast 10 years sence he saw his other 2 kids. When we broke up he said people change and that he would be involved in the kids lifes but its hasnt happened yet.


cowboygal
by Gold Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 9:50 PM
My ex and I split a 15 months ago and he has seen his kids four times, one weekend total. It is harder on them for him to do this. He has not called since Sat. My dd is 7 and asked why daddy replaced them (new girl had two kids not his). They just need security at this point and your mom should understand what you do. The 2 bedroom will be easier when he is ready and he will be.
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Sweet_Carol_126
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 9:59 PM
1 mom liked this

Keep starting him in your bed.   Right now he is afraid you will leave him, too, so you need to reassure him that you are together and you are going to be with him.  A few nights is okay, but he does need to go back to his own bed.  If money is a problem, I can see your mother's point but I don't thnk that is a good idea.  Better for him to sleep on sofa than in the room with you.  I think when he feels reassured that you are thee and will be there, he will be able  to adjust okay.  You might want to file for child support right away.  It sounds as though the ex is not reliable or there for you.  Good luck to you.  It is not easy being a single mom.  But some people are married and it seems like they are single moms so you will go fine.  Good luck to you.

 

SticksnStones
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 10:33 PM
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 Your Mother sounds incredibly insensitive and unsupportive (emotionally).  You do what's in your heart and you guys are going to be just fine.  You know what's good for your son and a little bit of extra loving isn't hurting either of you during this hard time.  I wish you well!

Quoting jenking04:

WOW i swear some times i feel like i cant do ANYTHING right  when it comes to my parents. I am getting ready to go take a shower and i went ot check on my DD and my mom said " you think you have problems now? Your going to have seriouse problems if you let your 8 year old son sleep with you." One i didnt even know that he slept in my bed last night untill early this morning because i put him to bed in his own room last night. Two he is having problems adjusting to the fact that his dad has not made an attempt to see him or his sister sence we moved out last sunday. And his has been sick and is a mommy's boy when he is sick. And when we get our own place in a couple weeks i'm sure things will be different but i refuse to push my son away when he is having a hard time dealing with all that has been thrown at him lately. He is my son and i will do whatever i can to help him adjust to this new life with just the 3 of us.

 

jenking04
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 10:43 PM


Quoting Sweet_Carol_126:

Keep starting him in your bed.   Right now he is afraid you will leave him, too, so you need to reassure him that you are together and you are going to be with him.  A few nights is okay, but he does need to go back to his own bed.  If money is a problem, I can see your mother's point but I don't thnk that is a good idea.  Better for him to sleep on sofa than in the room with you.  I think when he feels reassured that you are thee and will be there, he will be able  to adjust okay.  You might want to file for child support right away.  It sounds as though the ex is not reliable or there for you.  Good luck to you.  It is not easy being a single mom.  But some people are married and it seems like they are single moms so you will go fine.  Good luck to you.

 

I do get CS from him. HE comes and goes as he pleases in the kids lives. I would rather him be gone for good or to be a father to them. He has been texting my DS but hasnt asked about our DD or asked to see either of them. I moved out last sunday and he acts like he could care about the pain he is causeing them.

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