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Adjusting issues with an 8 year old

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About a week ago me and my EX broke up he is the father of my kids and has made no real attempt to see his kids sence i moved on on sunday. He will send a text to my son but that is about it. My son has been down this road before this is the third time we have broken up and this time i am done for good. The other times my son seem to do ok with adjusting. This time though he seems to be struggling with adjusting. I have been trying to make it easy for him and help him as much as i can but still nothing. We are set to move in to a 2 bedroom apartment in a couple weeks and ny mom just came in and said we should have just got a 1 bedroom because my son has been sleeping in my room with me. She says its pointless to spend all this money on a 2 bedroom if hes not going to sleep in his room. I understand why my son has been sleeping in my room and i have tried to explain to him that he is a big boy and that he needs to try to sleep in his room. Last night he made it in his room most of the night but for some reason ended up in my bed again. Any advice would be great thanks.

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by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:26 PM
Replies (11-20):
mmtosam06
by Gold Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:08 AM

My dd is 6 and is still in my room so her room got turned into a playroom. I will follow her cue when she is ready to have her room back to a bedroom. She hasn't seen or heard form her "dad" since 7/14/09 his choice. I would just keep trying but this time just follow his cues.

Meghan6391
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:14 AM
Its hard and its heart breaking, i was always told its easier on the child the younger they are, that is bull. My son was 1 when my husband and i first split up, he was lost on where his daddy was and why he wasn't around him. We worked it out and got back together. When my son was 2 1/2 we filed for divorce. Our son quit eating, he quit playing, all he did was scream and scream. I couldn't handle the sadness and the look of pain in his eyes.. i cancelled the divorce and now we have been problem free for over a year and doing really well... our son is very clingy now though and is scared of daddy leaving. I guess my advice is don't turn back, you are done so be done don't put your son threw it again and give your kids their own space. Good luck
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MomTiara19
by Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:27 AM

Your ex and you have broken up.That is sad but it is disguisting that your ex takes it out on his son.Let your son come and coddle with you if he needs to right now.He really needs the extra attention and most of all routine and stability.Things will all come together eventually.

ManicAttack
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:31 AM

I do not have PERSONAL experience with this.  HOWEVER-

Depending on how long you allow him to sleep with you and how long you allow him to NOT see a counselor so that he can express his feelings, your mom may have a point.  :-/  My SO has a 9 year old son, who has behavioral and attachment issues.  He sleeps in his bed when he is at our house (40% of the time these days) but, he often cries for his mom, gets very down if he's not with her, and acts out.  I don't know if this is the same sort of situation, but it's been a struggle for his parents- dad AND mom.  Mom feels bad because he's obviously struggling with something emotionally but won't talk (like your son), and Dad doesn't want to pressure his son to open up if he doesn't want to.  I really recommend trying to find a child counselor.  

Quoting jenking04:

WOW i swear some times i feel like i cant do ANYTHING right  when it comes to my parents. I am getting ready to go take a shower and i went ot check on my DD and my mom said " you think you have problems now? Your going to have seriouse problems if you let your 8 year old son sleep with you." One i didnt even know that he slept in my bed last night untill early this morning because i put him to bed in his own room last night. Two he is having problems adjusting to the fact that his dad has not made an attempt to see him or his sister sence we moved out last sunday. And his has been sick and is a mommy's boy when he is sick. And when we get our own place in a couple weeks i'm sure things will be different but i refuse to push my son away when he is having a hard time dealing with all that has been thrown at him lately. He is my son and i will do whatever i can to help him adjust to this new life with just the 3 of us.


MumaSue
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:31 AM

I know it's a slightly different situation but the result is almost the same. I lost my SO to cancer in Feb of this year and our 8 year old has trouble at night. She sleeps in my bed ATM and we're moving in a few weeks. We will be doing the same, she will have her own room and bed but I will not push her away if she wants to come to bed with me. Over a period of time we'll see about decorating her room as she wants it and make it hers. Hopefully she will then feel more at ease at being in her room. She is very open about how she is feeling though and going to grief therapy has helped a great deal. She openly admits to being terrified of loosing me as well. I just have to reassure her. I wont lie to her and say I will be with her forever but I do say that I hope to be with her for a very long time so that I can see her children grow.

I wish you all the best and suggest counselling for your son. It really helped my daughter. They even talked about her bullying at school as well.

jenking04
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:58 AM


Quoting MomTiara19:

Your ex and you have broken up.That is sad but it is disguisting that your ex takes it out on his son.Let your son come and coddle with you if he needs to right now.He really needs the extra attention and most of all routine and stability.Things will all come together eventually.

When we broke up i told him if he can hate me all he wants thats fine i could care less but DONT take it out on the kids they are innocent in all of this. I try to reassure my kids that we will be stronger in the end and it will be just the 3 of us. I tell them that this year just the 3 of us will be waking up in our own place for christmas. I'm trying to reassure my son that i wont leave him atleast not like my EX has. I wish he would be a full time dad and care more about his kids than he does his drugs and whores he sleeps with, If he cant be a full time dad to his kids then he needs to just dissapear for good cause he is just hurting them more by coming and going as he pleases

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wonderouslife84
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 10:41 AM

my ex husband left us last january. my son is 5 years old and my daughter is 3 now but was 2. my son has so much mental damage from the divorce hes in therapy at school and we are thinking that maybe family therapy will be coming soon. my ex abused my son leaving marks and i reported it right away they found my ex husband in minor child abuse but didnt charge him. but we live in denver and he lives in grand junction. he never calls and has no interest in seeing the kids. dont even pay child support..

lruggio
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 10:56 AM

I would get the 2 bedroom place and let your son do what he needs to do for himself. If it means that for now, you put his mattress on the floor and let him camp in your room, then so be it...it will not last forever and he has been through enough with all the breaking up that his parents have been doing...divorce is hardest on the kids as they will forever be in the middle.

Do not talk about the father in front of the boy in a negative way.  Do not comment on the fact that the father has not seen the boy...leave that all alone.  Attempt to help the boy in sticking up for the father...as men sometimes need to take some space and retreat a bit, when they have lost something.  Even if he was the one to end it this time, men need space to get themselves together.

The thing I told my son when I went through a similar time, is that we can love Dad for who he is, including limits that he has becasue we all have our limits...and that we may not like what Dad does, but its ok to still love him and understand, that just because the situation has changed, it does not mean that Dad loves you anyless....it takes time sometimes, for things to work out and they will work out....and we will find a way that will end the hard times.  So if you need to sleep in my bedroom, you can sleep on your mattress next to me...but your room will be available when you are ready too.

I suggest to get grief and relationship counseling for you and for your son, as this family is about to re-define itself and you will be the one that will help that transition be a good one or will eventually contaminate the whole process...divorce is hard and its so important at this point to do the right thing and work even harder than you did while married, to make your son's life more secure.  good luck

jenking04
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:08 AM
The thing is their father has never really wanted to be a father. He would rather get high drink party and sleep with every girl he can. I wish he would either be all the way in or all the way out instead of being half way in and only being a dad when its convienent for him. Because of what he is doing it is causing more damage with my so. He's playing games with the kids because he hates me that much. But now my kids are suffering in the end.


Quoting lruggio:

I would get the 2 bedroom place and let your son do what he needs to do for himself. If it means that for now, you put his mattress on the floor and let him camp in your room, then so be it...it will not last forever and he has been through enough with all the breaking up that his parents have been doing...divorce is hardest on the kids as they will forever be in the middle.

Do not talk about the father in front of the boy in a negative way.  Do not comment on the fact that the father has not seen the boy...leave that all alone.  Attempt to help the boy in sticking up for the father...as men sometimes need to take some space and retreat a bit, when they have lost something.  Even if he was the one to end it this time, men need space to get themselves together.

The thing I told my son when I went through a similar time, is that we can love Dad for who he is, including limits that he has becasue we all have our limits...and that we may not like what Dad does, but its ok to still love him and understand, that just because the situation has changed, it does not mean that Dad loves you anyless....it takes time sometimes, for things to work out and they will work out....and we will find a way that will end the hard times.  So if you need to sleep in my bedroom, you can sleep on your mattress next to me...but your room will be available when you are ready too.

I suggest to get grief and relationship counseling for you and for your son, as this family is about to re-define itself and you will be the one that will help that transition be a good one or will eventually contaminate the whole process...divorce is hard and its so important at this point to do the right thing and work even harder than you did while married, to make your son's life more secure.  good luck


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jcampbell288
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:10 AM

i feel that in times of crisis in a childs life consistency is best. if you let them do whatever they want because they are having a rough time, it teaches them its ok to do it later! i suggest making rules and sticking to them

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