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Adjusting issues with an 8 year old

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About a week ago me and my EX broke up he is the father of my kids and has made no real attempt to see his kids sence i moved on on sunday. He will send a text to my son but that is about it. My son has been down this road before this is the third time we have broken up and this time i am done for good. The other times my son seem to do ok with adjusting. This time though he seems to be struggling with adjusting. I have been trying to make it easy for him and help him as much as i can but still nothing. We are set to move in to a 2 bedroom apartment in a couple weeks and ny mom just came in and said we should have just got a 1 bedroom because my son has been sleeping in my room with me. She says its pointless to spend all this money on a 2 bedroom if hes not going to sleep in his room. I understand why my son has been sleeping in my room and i have tried to explain to him that he is a big boy and that he needs to try to sleep in his room. Last night he made it in his room most of the night but for some reason ended up in my bed again. Any advice would be great thanks.

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by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:26 PM
Replies (21-30):
jenking04
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:15 AM
The other day my EX text my son and said he would see him and his sister on his next day off after this weekend. But he hasn't asked if it was ok or if I had plans. My son goes to school I'm working hard looking for a job. He doesn't have a car so I have to take the kids to him and he expects me to drop everything for him.
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lruggio
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:21 AM
1 mom liked this

well, if that is the kind of man the father is, then so be it.  Do not wish for things to be one way or another because the reality is...they are what they are.  If you wish for something with the Dad, then you may be setting the kids up for wishing the same things...and that is hard, as kids will always be setting themselves up for disappointment.  Kids turn into adults and they will still wish that their parents were more than they were able to be...and so they never really learn how to just accept the person, faults and limitations and all...just as he is...and learn to love the man JUST AS HE IS.  That is it.  

In the end, you picked him, and believe me when I say, I do not mean this disprespectfully as I picked MY son's father and found myself in the same situation...so we live and learn....and so you now teach your kids to just accept what little this man can give...and then you move on...compensate for his lack of parenting and focuse on moving forward, teaching about love and acceptance and not bitternes and resentment.

Let this all be for now.  Stress more about love and acceptance and brighter futures.  Give him the comfort he so needs...let him  sleep in your room, but I would do the mattress.....its important to remind him, I think, that just like he needs to be in your room right now...some day he won't need to...just like his Dad needs to be away right now, taking care of HIS needs...someday he won't have to do that either...we all find a way to help ourselves.  Your son is doing what he needs to...and perhaps Dad is doing what he needs to as well.


Quoting jenking04:

The thing is their father has never really wanted to be a father. He would rather get high drink party and sleep with every girl he can. I wish he would either be all the way in or all the way out instead of being half way in and only being a dad when its convienent for him. Because of what he is doing it is causing more damage with my so. He's playing games with the kids because he hates me that much. But now my kids are suffering in the end.


Quoting lruggio:

I would get the 2 bedroom place and let your son do what he needs to do for himself. If it means that for now, you put his mattress on the floor and let him camp in your room, then so be it...it will not last forever and he has been through enough with all the breaking up that his parents have been doing...divorce is hardest on the kids as they will forever be in the middle.

Do not talk about the father in front of the boy in a negative way.  Do not comment on the fact that the father has not seen the boy...leave that all alone.  Attempt to help the boy in sticking up for the father...as men sometimes need to take some space and retreat a bit, when they have lost something.  Even if he was the one to end it this time, men need space to get themselves together.

The thing I told my son when I went through a similar time, is that we can love Dad for who he is, including limits that he has becasue we all have our limits...and that we may not like what Dad does, but its ok to still love him and understand, that just because the situation has changed, it does not mean that Dad loves you anyless....it takes time sometimes, for things to work out and they will work out....and we will find a way that will end the hard times.  So if you need to sleep in my bedroom, you can sleep on your mattress next to me...but your room will be available when you are ready too.

I suggest to get grief and relationship counseling for you and for your son, as this family is about to re-define itself and you will be the one that will help that transition be a good one or will eventually contaminate the whole process...divorce is hard and its so important at this point to do the right thing and work even harder than you did while married, to make your son's life more secure.  good luck



jenking04
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:29 AM
Of my I am trying to be there for both kids as they try to adjust to all that has happened. I'm trying to teach my son that its not ok to treat people the way his dad treated me. Its not ok to cheat on people or to treat them like the dirt on the bottom of their shoes. The only thing I wish is that he would just disappear so I can clean up the mess he created. And so we can get our lives back.


Quoting lruggio:

well, if that is the kind of man the father is, then so be it.  Do not wish for things to be one way or another because the reality is...they are what they are.  If you wish for something with the Dad, then you may be setting the kids up for wishing the same things...and that is hard, as kids will always be setting themselves up for disappointment.  Kids turn into adults and they will still wish that their parents were more than they were able to be...and so they never really learn how to just accept the person, faults and limitations and all...just as he is...and learn to love the man JUST AS HE IS.  That is it.  

In the end, you picked him, and believe me when I say, I do not mean this disprespectfully as I picked MY son's father and found myself in the same situation...so we live and learn....and so you now teach your kids to just accept what little this man can give...and then you move on...compensate for his lack of parenting and focuse on moving forward, teaching about love and acceptance and not bitternes and resentment.

Let this all be for now.  Stress more about love and acceptance and brighter futures.  Give him the comfort he so needs...let him  sleep in your room, but I would do the mattress.....its important to remind him, I think, that just like he needs to be in your room right now...some day he won't need to...just like his Dad needs to be away right now, taking care of HIS needs...someday he won't have to do that either...we all find a way to help ourselves.  Your son is doing what he needs to...and perhaps Dad is doing what he needs to as well.


Quoting jenking04:

The thing is their father has never really wanted to be a father. He would rather get high drink party and sleep with every girl he can. I wish he would either be all the way in or all the way out instead of being half way in and only being a dad when its convienent for him. Because of what he is doing it is causing more damage with my so. He's playing games with the kids because he hates me that much. But now my kids are suffering in the end.





Quoting lruggio:

I would get the 2 bedroom place and let your son do what he needs to do for himself. If it means that for now, you put his mattress on the floor and let him camp in your room, then so be it...it will not last forever and he has been through enough with all the breaking up that his parents have been doing...divorce is hardest on the kids as they will forever be in the middle.

Do not talk about the father in front of the boy in a negative way.  Do not comment on the fact that the father has not seen the boy...leave that all alone.  Attempt to help the boy in sticking up for the father...as men sometimes need to take some space and retreat a bit, when they have lost something.  Even if he was the one to end it this time, men need space to get themselves together.

The thing I told my son when I went through a similar time, is that we can love Dad for who he is, including limits that he has becasue we all have our limits...and that we may not like what Dad does, but its ok to still love him and understand, that just because the situation has changed, it does not mean that Dad loves you anyless....it takes time sometimes, for things to work out and they will work out....and we will find a way that will end the hard times.  So if you need to sleep in my bedroom, you can sleep on your mattress next to me...but your room will be available when you are ready too.

I suggest to get grief and relationship counseling for you and for your son, as this family is about to re-define itself and you will be the one that will help that transition be a good one or will eventually contaminate the whole process...divorce is hard and its so important at this point to do the right thing and work even harder than you did while married, to make your son's life more secure.  good luck





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lruggio
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:40 AM

Be careful about trying to teach based on how "bad" the father was...that will affect the boy as the boy still needs to feel a connection of sorts with his father.  How you teach values is you live them.  Not talking about any of it to the kids...just live your life and through your honest and forthright living, THAT is how you teach them to grow up with steadfast honor and values...

It may never happen, that this man will just disappear, so its so very important to plan for that...keeping it all buisness, keeping a warm, sort of buisness cordial attitude towards him no matter what.  Let it go through the court to make things leagle...make sure you hash out visitation including holidays and such...life changes for all people...just because he is who he is right now, in a year or two, he may grow up and will want to be involved more...you have to look at it like this and plan for it...always taking into account that you need to live with honor and that means treating him with respect...even if he does  not "deserve" it...your kids need to see Mom treat Dad with respect and by watching that, they will learn what you want them to learn. Good luck..

Quoting jenking04:

Of my I am trying to be there for both kids as they try to adjust to all that has happened. I'm trying to teach my son that its not ok to treat people the way his dad treated me. Its not ok to cheat on people or to treat them like the dirt on the bottom of their shoes. The only thing I wish is that he would just disappear so I can clean up the mess he created. And so we can get our lives back.


Quoting lruggio:

well, if that is the kind of man the father is, then so be it.  Do not wish for things to be one way or another because the reality is...they are what they are.  If you wish for something with the Dad, then you may be setting the kids up for wishing the same things...and that is hard, as kids will always be setting themselves up for disappointment.  Kids turn into adults and they will still wish that their parents were more than they were able to be...and so they never really learn how to just accept the person, faults and limitations and all...just as he is...and learn to love the man JUST AS HE IS.  That is it.  

In the end, you picked him, and believe me when I say, I do not mean this disprespectfully as I picked MY son's father and found myself in the same situation...so we live and learn....and so you now teach your kids to just accept what little this man can give...and then you move on...compensate for his lack of parenting and focuse on moving forward, teaching about love and acceptance and not bitternes and resentment.

Let this all be for now.  Stress more about love and acceptance and brighter futures.  Give him the comfort he so needs...let him  sleep in your room, but I would do the mattress.....its important to remind him, I think, that just like he needs to be in your room right now...some day he won't need to...just like his Dad needs to be away right now, taking care of HIS needs...someday he won't have to do that either...we all find a way to help ourselves.  Your son is doing what he needs to...and perhaps Dad is doing what he needs to as well.


Quoting jenking04:

The thing is their father has never really wanted to be a father. He would rather get high drink party and sleep with every girl he can. I wish he would either be all the way in or all the way out instead of being half way in and only being a dad when its convienent for him. Because of what he is doing it is causing more damage with my so. He's playing games with the kids because he hates me that much. But now my kids are suffering in the end.





Quoting lruggio:

I would get the 2 bedroom place and let your son do what he needs to do for himself. If it means that for now, you put his mattress on the floor and let him camp in your room, then so be it...it will not last forever and he has been through enough with all the breaking up that his parents have been doing...divorce is hardest on the kids as they will forever be in the middle.

Do not talk about the father in front of the boy in a negative way.  Do not comment on the fact that the father has not seen the boy...leave that all alone.  Attempt to help the boy in sticking up for the father...as men sometimes need to take some space and retreat a bit, when they have lost something.  Even if he was the one to end it this time, men need space to get themselves together.

The thing I told my son when I went through a similar time, is that we can love Dad for who he is, including limits that he has becasue we all have our limits...and that we may not like what Dad does, but its ok to still love him and understand, that just because the situation has changed, it does not mean that Dad loves you anyless....it takes time sometimes, for things to work out and they will work out....and we will find a way that will end the hard times.  So if you need to sleep in my bedroom, you can sleep on your mattress next to me...but your room will be available when you are ready too.

I suggest to get grief and relationship counseling for you and for your son, as this family is about to re-define itself and you will be the one that will help that transition be a good one or will eventually contaminate the whole process...divorce is hard and its so important at this point to do the right thing and work even harder than you did while married, to make your son's life more secure.  good luck






jenking04
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:55 AM
We have a court order in place already but he never follows it. It talks about visitations and everything but he only wants to be a dad when its convienent for him.he will never grow up and decide to be a father to my kids. He has 2 other kids that he has not seen in over 10 years. He pays CS but doesn't attempt to contact them or see them. I don't talk negativ towards my kids father I try to let them know how much he loves them but that he is going through some stuff right now and he needs to figure things out for himself.


Quoting lruggio:

Be careful about trying to teach based on how "bad" the father was...that will affect the boy as the boy still needs to feel a connection of sorts with his father.  How you teach values is you live them.  Not talking about any of it to the kids...just live your life and through your honest and forthright living, THAT is how you teach them to grow up with steadfast honor and values...

It may never happen, that this man will just disappear, so its so very important to plan for that...keeping it all buisness, keeping a warm, sort of buisness cordial attitude towards him no matter what.  Let it go through the court to make things leagle...make sure you hash out visitation including holidays and such...life changes for all people...just because he is who he is right now, in a year or two, he may grow up and will want to be involved more...you have to look at it like this and plan for it...always taking into account that you need to live with honor and that means treating him with respect...even if he does  not "deserve" it...your kids need to see Mom treat Dad with respect and by watching that, they will learn what you want them to learn. Good luck..

Quoting jenking04:

Of my I am trying to be there for both kids as they try to adjust to all that has happened. I'm trying to teach my son that its not ok to treat people the way his dad treated me. Its not ok to cheat on people or to treat them like the dirt on the bottom of their shoes. The only thing I wish is that he would just disappear so I can clean up the mess he created. And so we can get our lives back.





Quoting lruggio:

well, if that is the kind of man the father is, then so be it.  Do not wish for things to be one way or another because the reality is...they are what they are.  If you wish for something with the Dad, then you may be setting the kids up for wishing the same things...and that is hard, as kids will always be setting themselves up for disappointment.  Kids turn into adults and they will still wish that their parents were more than they were able to be...and so they never really learn how to just accept the person, faults and limitations and all...just as he is...and learn to love the man JUST AS HE IS.  That is it.  

In the end, you picked him, and believe me when I say, I do not mean this disprespectfully as I picked MY son's father and found myself in the same situation...so we live and learn....and so you now teach your kids to just accept what little this man can give...and then you move on...compensate for his lack of parenting and focuse on moving forward, teaching about love and acceptance and not bitternes and resentment.

Let this all be for now.  Stress more about love and acceptance and brighter futures.  Give him the comfort he so needs...let him  sleep in your room, but I would do the mattress.....its important to remind him, I think, that just like he needs to be in your room right now...some day he won't need to...just like his Dad needs to be away right now, taking care of HIS needs...someday he won't have to do that either...we all find a way to help ourselves.  Your son is doing what he needs to...and perhaps Dad is doing what he needs to as well.


Quoting jenking04:

The thing is their father has never really wanted to be a father. He would rather get high drink party and sleep with every girl he can. I wish he would either be all the way in or all the way out instead of being half way in and only being a dad when its convienent for him. Because of what he is doing it is causing more damage with my so. He's playing games with the kids because he hates me that much. But now my kids are suffering in the end.








Quoting lruggio:

I would get the 2 bedroom place and let your son do what he needs to do for himself. If it means that for now, you put his mattress on the floor and let him camp in your room, then so be it...it will not last forever and he has been through enough with all the breaking up that his parents have been doing...divorce is hardest on the kids as they will forever be in the middle.

Do not talk about the father in front of the boy in a negative way.  Do not comment on the fact that the father has not seen the boy...leave that all alone.  Attempt to help the boy in sticking up for the father...as men sometimes need to take some space and retreat a bit, when they have lost something.  Even if he was the one to end it this time, men need space to get themselves together.

The thing I told my son when I went through a similar time, is that we can love Dad for who he is, including limits that he has becasue we all have our limits...and that we may not like what Dad does, but its ok to still love him and understand, that just because the situation has changed, it does not mean that Dad loves you anyless....it takes time sometimes, for things to work out and they will work out....and we will find a way that will end the hard times.  So if you need to sleep in my bedroom, you can sleep on your mattress next to me...but your room will be available when you are ready too.

I suggest to get grief and relationship counseling for you and for your son, as this family is about to re-define itself and you will be the one that will help that transition be a good one or will eventually contaminate the whole process...divorce is hard and its so important at this point to do the right thing and work even harder than you did while married, to make your son's life more secure.  good luck









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Allinorder
by Bronze Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:39 PM
I would let your son sleep next to you. His dad is gone and he's upset. I don't blame him for being sad. My parents stayed together but I don't know what I'd do if my parents split. Get a 2 bedroom and put his bed in there and when things get better move him in there.
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jenking04
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:17 PM


Quoting Allinorder:

I would let your son sleep next to you. His dad is gone and he's upset. I don't blame him for being sad. My parents stayed together but I don't know what I'd do if my parents split. Get a 2 bedroom and put his bed in there and when things get better move him in there.

He did end up sleeping in his own room last night. But talking to him this morning he said it was hard for him. I understand him wanting to sleep in my bedwith me or in my room with me right now. But my mom is making a bid deal out of it saying that if i allow him to sleep in my bed or in my room it will make it hard to get him out of my bed or out of my room when we move cause i am starting a bad habbit. I refuse to push my kids away when i know they are hurting. I want my kids to know that no matter what i will always be there for them and they can always come to me for anything. I want my kids to know that they can always depend on me no matter what. I refuse to be a parents like my parents where to me. I never felt good enough for them and i never really felt loved. Not like they did with my brother. They did everything for my brother and nothing for me. Even now they act like his is perfect and i am the screw up.

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Allinorder
by Bronze Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:20 PM

Your mom is being heartless about the whole ordeal. I would tell your mom to butt out of it and hes your child. I am not** trying to be a bitch but when bad things happen kids cling to there parents. I am 32 and when bad things happen I just want my mom to hug me and tell me itll be ok. Just let him sleep with you and in time he'll accept that you and his dad arent together any longer.

Quoting jenking04:

 

Quoting Allinorder:

I would let your son sleep next to you. His dad is gone and he's upset. I don't blame him for being sad. My parents stayed together but I don't know what I'd do if my parents split. Get a 2 bedroom and put his bed in there and when things get better move him in there.

He did end up sleeping in his own room last night. But talking to him this morning he said it was hard for him. I understand him wanting to sleep in my bedwith me or in my room with me right now. But my mom is making a bid deal out of it saying that if i allow him to sleep in my bed or in my room it will make it hard to get him out of my bed or out of my room when we move cause i am starting a bad habbit. I refuse to push my kids away when i know they are hurting. I want my kids to know that no matter what i will always be there for them and they can always come to me for anything. I want my kids to know that they can always depend on me no matter what. I refuse to be a parents like my parents where to me. I never felt good enough for them and i never really felt loved. Not like they did with my brother. They did everything for my brother and nothing for me. Even now they act like his is perfect and i am the screw up.

 

bkwrmem
by Emily on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:22 PM

he'll be fine ignore your mom though. i was his age (according to your age chart things) when my parents got divorced i spent about a month or so wanting to have my mom sleep with me in my bed (we were 4 moving into a 2 bed room me and my bro shared a room my sister had her own and my mom slept on the couch.) cause i felt like my whole world was just falling apart and i wanted to have something showing me that it wasn't and that meant a lot of mommy time. my mom had to work but she made sure to always make time for us so we knew that even though mommy and daddy weren't gonna be together we still had our family. it helped a lot.  we talked also so maybe, i read in a reply he doesn't like to talk about his feelings, let him know he still has his family and if he wants you can talk. and just try and get him into his own room but i wouldn't really force him. good luck.

jenking04
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:24 PM


Quoting Allinorder:

Your mom is being heartless about the whole ordeal. I would tell your mom to butt out of it and hes your child. I am trying to be a bitch but when bad things happen kids cling to there parents. I am 32 and when bad things happen I just want my mom to hug me and tell me itll be ok. Just let him sleep with you and in time he'll accept that you and his dad arent together any longer.

Quoting jenking04:

 

Quoting Allinorder:

I would let your son sleep next to you. His dad is gone and he's upset. I don't blame him for being sad. My parents stayed together but I don't know what I'd do if my parents split. Get a 2 bedroom and put his bed in there and when things get better move him in there.

He did end up sleeping in his own room last night. But talking to him this morning he said it was hard for him. I understand him wanting to sleep in my bedwith me or in my room with me right now. But my mom is making a bid deal out of it saying that if i allow him to sleep in my bed or in my room it will make it hard to get him out of my bed or out of my room when we move cause i am starting a bad habbit. I refuse to push my kids away when i know they are hurting. I want my kids to know that no matter what i will always be there for them and they can always come to me for anything. I want my kids to know that they can always depend on me no matter what. I refuse to be a parents like my parents where to me. I never felt good enough for them and i never really felt loved. Not like they did with my brother. They did everything for my brother and nothing for me. Even now they act like his is perfect and i am the screw up.

 

I agree that my mom is being heartless. But growing up in my house we were never able to express are feelings. When i was 16 my BFF died suddenly and i was crying. My dad came into my room and told me to answer the door. I answered the door and my dad said are you crying again. I turned to him and i said for your information my BFF just died. I refuse to let my kids grow up and not be able to express how the feel if they are sad or whatever. I tried to explain to my mom why he was sleeping in my room and she said i'm just asking for problems.

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