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Adjusting issues with an 8 year old

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About a week ago me and my EX broke up he is the father of my kids and has made no real attempt to see his kids sence i moved on on sunday. He will send a text to my son but that is about it. My son has been down this road before this is the third time we have broken up and this time i am done for good. The other times my son seem to do ok with adjusting. This time though he seems to be struggling with adjusting. I have been trying to make it easy for him and help him as much as i can but still nothing. We are set to move in to a 2 bedroom apartment in a couple weeks and ny mom just came in and said we should have just got a 1 bedroom because my son has been sleeping in my room with me. She says its pointless to spend all this money on a 2 bedroom if hes not going to sleep in his room. I understand why my son has been sleeping in my room and i have tried to explain to him that he is a big boy and that he needs to try to sleep in his room. Last night he made it in his room most of the night but for some reason ended up in my bed again. Any advice would be great thanks.

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by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:26 PM
Replies (41-50):
jenking04
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 6:46 PM


Quoting Due9:

My advice is to love on him more than anything. Lots of hugs, kisses, "i love you's"....He wants to know that he is loved and mom is there for him. I am sure you are, but just overdue it at this sensitive time.

I'm always giving him hugs not much for kisses he is 8 and doesnt want mommy hangin all over him. His dad wasnt much for showing affections so its always been me. I make sure everyday that my kids know how much i love them and i tell them everyday that we will survive this and come out stronger in the end.

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xxshelbyxxx
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 7:13 PM
God I don't understand why you leaving him makes him want to leave his kids. It's like he's doing it to hurt you but he's only hurting his kids ( and obviously you in a way because its hurtin you see your son this distraught). I'm sorry he's doing this, I hope things start lookin up for you both. But I agree with the person whose comment I quoted that u replied to. He needs therapy because they know how to get kids to talk And it'll only do him good.


Quoting jenking04:



Quoting waffa:


talk to him about how he's feeling and look into therapy. you'd be surprised what you hear; when we split my then 7 y/o dd thought is was her fault. I reassured her she had NOTHING to do with it and got her into counselling.


she's fine now, but her Dad is super involved in her life so that might make the difference. stay on his dad about staying in touch with your son


good luck momma


He wont talk about his feelings. Hes alot like me and keeps them bottled up. I knew when i walked out the door he would walk out of my kids life. He did it before and he did it to his other kids and it wont change. He would rather live the single life and smoke weed and drink and whatever else he does then to be a dad. It has been atleast 10 years sence he saw his other 2 kids. When we broke up he said people change and that he would be involved in the kids lifes but its hasnt happened yet.


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jenking04
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 7:22 PM


Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

God I don't understand why you leaving him makes him want to leave his kids. It's like he's doing it to hurt you but he's only hurting his kids ( and obviously you in a way because its hurtin you see your son this distraught). I'm sorry he's doing this, I hope things start lookin up for you both. But I agree with the person whose comment I quoted that u replied to. He needs therapy because they know how to get kids to talk And it'll only do him good.


Quoting jenking04:

 


Quoting waffa:


talk to him about how he's feeling and look into therapy. you'd be surprised what you hear; when we split my then 7 y/o dd thought is was her fault. I reassured her she had NOTHING to do with it and got her into counselling.


she's fine now, but her Dad is super involved in her life so that might make the difference. stay on his dad about staying in touch with your son


good luck momma


He wont talk about his feelings. Hes alot like me and keeps them bottled up. I knew when i walked out the door he would walk out of my kids life. He did it before and he did it to his other kids and it wont change. He would rather live the single life and smoke weed and drink and whatever else he does then to be a dad. It has been atleast 10 years sence he saw his other 2 kids. When we broke up he said people change and that he would be involved in the kids lifes but its hasnt happened yet.



He knows the one way to hurt me is by hurting my kids. I told him that just cause he hates me dont take it out on the kids cause they are innocent in all of this. It has been almost a week sence we moved out and exsept for a coup;e text he has sent my son he hasnt attempted or even asked to see the kids. And he hasnt even texted my son today.

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darkirishrose
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 7:54 PM

I know exactly what your going through and eventually the phone calls and texts will stop too.  My son had a hard time adjusting also.  But I did seek proffessional help and he does so well now.  But they will tell you that if he wants to see them they recommend not because it will cause more bad then good. It will throw them in to an emotional tail spin so bad that they can actually stop talking...  This is something that will have to take its course.. Sweet Carol is absolutely right, he is afraid that you are going to leave him too and its going to take awhile for him to understand that mommys not going anywhere, or that you will always come back to get him when you do have to leave(work, etc). Just keep working at it..

jenking04
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 7:59 PM


Quoting darkirishrose:

I know exactly what your going through and eventually the phone calls and texts will stop too.  My son had a hard time adjusting also.  But I did seek proffessional help and he does so well now.  But they will tell you that if he wants to see them they recommend not because it will cause more bad then good. It will throw them in to an emotional tail spin so bad that they can actually stop talking...  This is something that will have to take its course.. Sweet Carol is absolutely right, he is afraid that you are going to leave him too and its going to take awhile for him to understand that mommys not going anywhere, or that you will always come back to get him when you do have to leave(work, etc). Just keep working at it..

I wish he was either all the way in or all the way out instead of this half way shit he does. He only tries to be a father when its convienent for him. I wish he would just stop the calls and text and disappear so i can clean up the mess he created and get my sweet loving happy go lucky boy back.

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darkirishrose
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 8:07 PM

It took my son and I 9 mths and he still isn't quite there yet so it is going to take time.  But something I think helped us and might help you too.  Try doing things that he likes to do together... It helped to show my son that I was going to be there no matter what... Im not sure if you have something like this where you are, but here where I live we have a program call woman in transition and they helped me get my life together and the counsling for my boy and for myself.  Maybe something you might want to look into, see what programs are offered for woman and children in your position....

adelecarrington
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 5:43 AM

I'm sure everyone has said this to you, but be honest, all you need to do is answer his questions as honestly as you can. Never say anything bad about your ex it will come back to haunt you, the parent who bad mouths the other one ends up being the one that gets the cold shoulder. Just let him come to you, when he is ready. My daughter didn't know her father until she was two, he walked out before she could remember him. When he came back into our lives I let them get to know each other but just introduced him with his name, about a year past and she looked in the mirror and asked . "Mummy is pete my dad" I said yes and she just accepted it. A few days later she wanted to talk about it, every so often she asks a question and then doesn't want any more information. I'm letting her lead the way sort of. When he's ready he'll ask, you have enough pressure at the moment, don't give yourself anymore, or put pressure on him to deal with things until he's ready. Families split up every day, just give him time. x

prettypoopy
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:29 PM

Why is this the third time this child has been threw this?  Maybe your mom is thinking the same thing and is displeased with the way her grandchildren are being raised.  Also you say that the father ran off on his other children, what made you think he wouldn't do it you yours?

jenking04
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:19 PM


Quoting prettypoopy:

Why is this the third time this child has been threw this?  Maybe your mom is thinking the same thing and is displeased with the way her grandchildren are being raised.  Also you say that the father ran off on his other children, what made you think he wouldn't do it you yours?


Whei eft my ex the first time i had just lost my grandma 2 months before and i was aout to give birth to ouR DD. I was depressed and emotional and gave up on life so i left with my kids but went back once i was able to get my emotions under controle and try to work on us. The second time i left was the day after my DD's first birthday and i left because he went out and stayed out all night till 10am the next morning and turned off his phone so i couldnt get ahold of him. So i hacked in to his phone bill and started to call people and text people trying to find him and when that didnt work i left. This time i left cause i realize he will never change and me and my kids deserve better. My kids father stayed around for awhile we were together for 10 years and he was in my sons life for 7 1/2 years and my son is 8. He lasted in my DD's life for about 1 1/2 years and she will be three on new years eve. I honestly thought things would be different that he wouldnt walk out on his kids but i was wrong. Sence i moved out this last time over a week ago he has been sending my son text but he hasnt asked about my DD and he hasnt asked to see the kids. He is trying to find any excuse to NOT see the kids and to some how make it my fault and blame me for him being gone.

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mom_dl6
by Platinum Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:48 PM

Well said......I agree with this 

Quoting 1likeme:

It will pass. Ignore your mom on this one. Your son needs the security right now but he won't always need it to cope. It is healthy for him to have his own room to go into when he is feeling better. I think you are doing the right thing here.


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