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She wants me to take DS to the funeral *update*

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So my mom's uncle passed away on wednesday, his funeral is monday.

My ds is 6 and has never been to a funeral where there was a body, only ones with urns. (most of my family has wanted to be creamated) I don't want my ds there, he is too young and didn't know my uncle at all. I told my mother this.

My mother is now throwing a fit because she wants ds to meet her family. I understand her reasoning since my family gets together for 2 things, weddings and funerals. And since we never get invited to weddings funerals are pretty much it.

How would you handle this?


Update: the funeral was this morning and I didn't take DS. I barely knew him and DS didnt know him at all. he had military honors and it was outside for the most part. DS would have been complaining about being cold the whole time. it was also an emotinal mess when it came to my mom's cousins (understandable, they just lost their dad) DS wouldn't have been able to handle it. I know my child well enough to know that situations that have strong emotions involved affect him and not always in good ways. this would have been one of those situations. I would have taken him to the get together afterwards but I would have had to taken him out of school to do so and it was also at my uncles favorite resturant and I don't have the extra cash right now. 


thank you for all of your well wishes.

by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 8:19 PM
Replies (41-50):
TableforSeven
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 10:40 PM
1 mom liked this

Your child, your rules.  If you don't want your child there.....he doesn't go.  If there is a gathering afterward and you can pick him up after the funeral - take him to that.  But, if there isn't, your extended family can just wait for the next wedding to meet/see him.  

Because my mother's funeral was open casket.....I had a relative from DH's side of the family bring my daughters only AFTER the casket was closed, they did not go to the cemetary, and they were only at the gathering afterward for a very short time - they were 15, 11 and 9 at the time.  And my sons - who were 5 and 4 at the time - didn't come at all, even to the gathering afterward.  My kids were all very close to my mother.....there was no reason to expose them to certain things when she passed away - we took them to say "good bye" in a way that was more what they are accustomed to afterward.

emeraldangel2.0
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 10:43 PM
1 mom liked this

no. 6 is too young

JulieBrown
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 11:00 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry you are going through this.  First a death and now the drama. 

Quoting colins_mom:

Ds will be at school so i'm not worried about that. I'm just not going to pull him out for it. (its at 11am)

Quoting JulieBrown:

Could you stay at the house preparing for after the funeral? 

A friend of mine died and there were a few of us with small children.... we helped setup for the gathering at the family's house.  That way the children could be a part of the gathering, but not be too involved in the actual funeral. 


PensFan99
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 11:12 PM
I didn't take ds to one till a very close friend passed, knowing my grandfather was becoming frail, and he should be prepared, he was also 9. He went but did not go in the room with her body. Ironically 3 months later my grandfather suddenly passed and ds needed to go. He was still very nervous but handled it with much maturity. I didn't force anything on him, except he had to be there, and he had to say goodbye. (he was very close to my grandfather)
And distant relatives funerals he did not go to, no reason for him to.
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michelleinfl
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 11:21 PM

My 6 year old has attended a funeral of a close family member. But, since your ds didn't know you mom's uncle, I don't see why he should attend if you decide he shouldn't. It's a funeral and not a social gathering. Perhaps your mom can arrange for her family to meet your ds at a more appropriate family event.

imamombygrace
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 11:40 PM
I would decline. My Dad passsed away last month. He didn't want a funereal or service(just cremated)...so everyone showed up before he passed away. I refused to take my girls to visit him during his last couple of days. He wasn't aware of anything around him and I was so afraid he would pass while they were in the room. His passing was so hard on them as it was and it was hard as an adult to watch him pass away. I couldn't let them see him like that and it be their last memory. I know if my Dad could have been awake he would have understood and agreed with me(we actually discussed it, as he was terminal and he made it known that the girls..should not see him in that sort of state). I know my family always has a supper before and after someone passes awy. Someone usually volunteers their home. Is it possible to let your family meet your ds then? Mom is happy and you are happy.
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FooLynRoo
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 11:56 PM

If he didn't know the guy - no.

have him skip the viewing and cemetary - take him to the luncheon or gathering after.


Pnukey
by on Nov. 25, 2012 at 12:00 AM

You don't want him there, end of story. I would tell her no.

armywife13143
by on Nov. 25, 2012 at 12:03 AM

He is your child you decide what is best for him. If you dont feel he is ready for something like that your mother needs to respect that. Me and my mom dont see eye to eye on pretty much anything. But im thankful she understands when i say no for something regarding my kids. I was 4 the first time i went to a funeral with an open casket and i had nightmares for months. Hope it works out for you.

dcdmattison03
by on Nov. 25, 2012 at 12:05 AM

 I agree, I am not seeing the issue here. My son is 7 and he went to his first funeral at almost 4, my papa died, he did fine, he asked questions like where is he now and will he go to heaven, his second funeral he was 4 my uncle died, this time he just said he will miss him but GOD will take care of him. The next funeral I did not however let him go because it was his aunt (my SIL) who was murdered (he was 5) but 2 weeks later my cousin passed ( we just went to the wake) but he was able to tell her bye.

I feel as if it was a learning experience. I don't shelter him from anything.

Quoting strongerthanB4:

 We are raising a nation of big ass babies. The boy is 6, the reason he would be traumatized by this is if you make him that way. I would let him go just so it could be a learning experience. He needs to understand death, it will not kill him.  Let the boy grow up, this is how adults end up with issues about death, all because mommy wants to baby them.

 

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