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How do we handle this?

Posted by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:20 PM
  • 17 Replies

 A little background...Me and DH have been together for 3 years and 10 months. His daughter is 4 years old. We started dating when she was only 5 months old. The mother stopped taking care of her and only saw her a couple days a month. So by the time that SD was 10 months old, DH and I were her primary caretakers. When DH worked, I was the one with SD. Well now SD is 4 and her mother has just recently (in september) began taking her as she is supposed to by the custody agreement.

We have always had a little bit of a problem with SD's attitude, but recently it has been awful. She is becoming very rude and very mean. Last week, she was just screaming and telling me I do nothing for her and that I dont care about her??!!!??!  After she calmed down, I was asking her where in the world that this came from and where did she learn to speak to me that way. She told me that her mother told her to be mean to me and to try to hurt me and that she isnt allowed to love me.

I explained to SD that I am not her mother and I would never try to replace her mother so she shouldnt be angry at me. I also told her that she is allowed to love both of us and that she shouldnt hurt anyone. We didnt have any problems the rest of that week. But the next time she came home, same thing happened. DH has talked to SD and told her that she knows better and that I love her and my feelings have been hurt. The mother is one of those people that if she knew she was hurting my feelings and if DH tried to talk to her to stop, then she would do it even more. Everytime DH talks to her about something, she does the opposite.

But what I'm trying to ask is: how do we handle this? Should we try therapy for her? Should she be in trouble for being mean if she is being told to do it? We are so confused and hurt. Please help me.

by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AmaliaD
by Platinum Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:26 PM

you tell the bio mom that you are "documenting the abuse"   tell her that you find it mentally abusive to the child.. . that she couldnt hurt your feeling for anythign.  that you took care of her child for years without one thank you and you are way to strong to be bothered let alone hurt by the bio mom... your dh need to tell ehr that.   he should bring a note book with both insodents already written about -  have him tell her - one more time and you loose the kid.   we will take your custody.   try it at least.   that isnt fair to the kid.   i woudl want to keep the kid away from her at all costs because what kind of mother jsut drops out and then pops back into their lives after years (A bad one!!) 

Mena929
by Gold Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:27 PM
1 mom liked this

Therapy is never a bad idea.

fishstick
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:30 PM

 

Quoting AmaliaD:

you tell the bio mom that you are "documenting the abuse"   tell her that you find it mentally abusive to the child.. . that she couldnt hurt your feeling for anythign.  that you took care of her child for years without one thank you and you are way to strong to be bothered let alone hurt by the bio mom... your dh need to tell ehr that.   he should bring a note book with both insodents already written about -  have him tell her - one more time and you loose the kid.   we will take your custody.   try it at least.   that isnt fair to the kid.   i woudl want to keep the kid away from her at all costs because what kind of mother jsut drops out and then pops back into their lives after years (A bad one!!) 

 Thank you!! Everytime I post in Stepmom Central they tell me that I'm the crazy one. Thank you for not bashing me!  I do have a question tho, if we tell her that "one more time and you lose the kid" is that considered a threat and would it look bad on us at court?

supermom0609
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:39 PM
No you need to talk to her mom about it and explain to her you are not trying to replace her ect. it will just continue if you dont stop the source
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LuLuRex
by Silver Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:07 PM

I think you've done everything right so far. I agree that counseling might be a good move and I also agree about documenting everything. ((hugs)) and good luck!


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wildlilacs
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:16 PM
Family couseling is good for all. A lot of kids acted up after visits with ncp. And to top that, sd is now seeing a mom who wasnt in her life before and want to please her.
If you do go to counseling, the therapist's notes can be used in court if you all decide to go to court.
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Jenner8
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:18 PM

Therapy is never a bad idea IMHO.

The family dynamic in my home is radically different (BioDad deceased, BioMom abandoned child), but we often have issues when the LO returns from a weekend with her paternal grandparents.  We're in therapy (minus paternal grandparents as they won't attend)... basically the therapist advised us to keep consistent on our rules, and remind her what is allowed at grandparents is not the same as when she is home.  I'm not sure what will help with you, but I know our LO gets time outs for being disrespectful, even if Grandma told her to... she has to know I won't allow that in my home.  BTW my LO is 4.5.

Good luck!

mom_dl6
by Platinum Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:45 PM

I can't stand moms that do that crap,I mean really what nerve,you have been with her since she was a baby and raised her and now she wants to mentally mess with her dd and use her to get to you,I say document everything and just remember always take the high road where she is concerned ,In the end your sd will see the truth for what it is !  God Luck in whatever you do :0)

1likeme
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 5:52 PM
Get her into counseling and document everything. Your DH should confront her in writing. I would do what I could to get the custody changed so that the mothers impact was as little as possible.
Marimaru
by Silver Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 6:42 PM

If talking to her doesn't work, document everything, especially where your step daughter says that she was told to behave this way. Then go to family court to have 'parental alienation' discussed.  A parent can be told specifically to not badmouth people to a child.  Usually it's a parent talking about the other parent, but I think they would do the same in this case for the mother talking about you.

And, as others have said, family therapy is probably good.  The little girl is probably confused not having her mother in her life, and then she walks in and says "Hi, I'm mom, you have to do what I say".  

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