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My oldest doesnt look at dh as a dad

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My dh and I got married when we were really young. We had our son young too. Dh and I had problems and we divorced. We got remarried and tried to work out our marriege again. We were still fighting. Then we seperated for 2 years. I lived with my parents and dh lived with his family. Ds always saw dh on the weekends and when he was sick dh would come over and help me with ds. Then we decided to work out our marriege again because you know 3rd times a charm. We started seeing eachother more often and took things slow. I got pregnant with  dd and dh moved in. A few year later I got pregnant with our youngest. Dh has seen our younger 2 kids everyday of there life. My oldest is jealous. Ive told him it was best we seperated because he didnt need to be around the constant fighting and arguing. My husband whom is the father to all 3 kids has admitted to me he isnt that bonded to our oldest and my oldest has said the same. i feel horrible and I want to mend there relationship but Im not sure how. My oldest said he looks at his dad like a stranger and looks at my father as his own dad. My husband knows what dh has said and feels bad and blames himself about there relationship. I dont want to be bashed but dont know what to do.

by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 11:41 PM
Replies (11-13):
acrogodess
by Lissette on Nov. 27, 2012 at 12:24 AM
My life was hard before we went to church and technically it's still hard, but I feel alot better and so does the family. Our spiritual help is just as important as our physical health. Kwim?

Quoting Allinorder:

I really want to go back to church. Our life was awesome and 6 months after we stopped going our life got hard.




Quoting acrogodess:

Perhaps it's a good time to look into going again. I didn't go to church for a long time. I knew I needed to find a good fit for me and the family. I am no longer Catholic and even s/o is happy with the church we've chosen. We've been there 2 yrs.





Quoting Allinorder:

We used to go to church but haven't in a year. My kids always ask to go.








Quoting acrogodess:

Are you a member at a church? My church offers free counseling with an actual psychologist. There are also free clinics if you look into it. Try chicken soup for the fathers soul and chicken soup for the child or teens soul books. They move us all to tears and make us want to work harder at being a better family. Have them sign up for a free activity, maybe basketball, fishing, heck even needle point lol. Something that is just for them to do without you or the younger kiddos. They will be okay eventually. Trust me. My kids dad and I went back and forth so many times and even still my kids love him. He gives them each alone time and time together.









Quoting Allinorder:

Thats not a bad idea. we wont get insurance for a few months though.






Quoting acrogodess:

They should go to.counseling together and make sure to get daddy and me time in without the siblings.








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elzingah36
by Member on Nov. 27, 2012 at 12:27 AM
I tend to agree with "Megzboys".
They definitely need to take this slow. My oldest and his father have-not relationship whatsoever a she looked at my father as his own as well. Like she said,when they are both ready,maybe a few casual outings first with grandpa in tow,to break the ice. When they're ready to float it alone they'll let him and you know. Now it'll definitely take time,and things like your DH be ready to go without grandpa but your DS might not be as ready. As they're doing this(if everyone were to agree on it) therapy would definitely help as long as there's a third party in tow for just a little while. Good luck hon :)
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trainlady
by Bronze Member on Nov. 27, 2012 at 2:16 PM

Why do you feel you have to do anything at all? With the problems you have had in your marriage and remarriage you've done the best that you can. My advice is just continue to live your life as you are and let things settle. You can't force someone to love someone. Don't keep trying to make your ds do something he doesn't feel comfortable with in this situation. As long as you all are getting along don't push the issue. If you keep worrying about it you will make everybody's life miserable. They feel your distress and it works on them and then nobody is happy. Let it go. Let nature take its course with your ds and your dh. Just take the problem which is in your mind and heart and put it in a treasure box and let it go. Live your life and enjoy. And if your father is willing to let your ds look up to him as a father so be it. Its not going to hurt anybody and who knows, maybe ds will come around as time goes on.

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