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Staying in my 8 yr non-committed relationship , screwed up me & my 10 yr old more than i thought :(

Posted by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 4:29 PM
  • 4 Replies

I have been having a lot of issue's with my daughter..she is 10 yrs old. 

I will admit that it is my doing as well , i am a big fat WIMP! 

I was in a relationship for 8 yrs that was not a healthy one , there was a lot of arguing..and i just found myself going deeper into depression without really realizing it.

So my consequences with my daughter has never been something that i stuck too, she grew to learn how to manipulate me...quite well.

I have done many programs , but they have failed ...again due to me not growing a set of balls and doing what i had to do.

She does have A.D.D. and O.D.D. , however that is NOT an excuse ..it is just something that give's us both a little more of a challenge that we CAN and WILL get through....but im not going to lie , it doesn't make things any easier either lol. 

the ex would 'try' to support me with things , but his supporting me was just him going in to her room and saying ' you know if you are good your mom will give in , so stop acting how you are' , or things like ' your mom has a temper on her too...she freaks out over the smallest things' ...he just said things that didn't really need to be said and didn't put us in the light of we were a team...

We have been seperated for over a year now.

I had been seeing a man for 4 months before we actually started getting serious over a month ago..DD loves him, thinks that he is the greatest ...he has seen her be at her worst but has alway's just given me tips on what to do (he is also A.D.D. , and he gives me tips on what his mother did when he was a child), but he has never actually gotten right involved with the punishments. 

However , our relationship has gone up a level and we are planning on getting engaged and hopefully married within two years. 

He has stepped right up to the plate now , and has been helping ME not be so much of a wimp.

We have been staying at his place for the better part of the month (requested by DD lol ...she loves it here) , she has been great so far ..has had her little problems here and there , but other than that she has been awesome.

But sunday night her attitude did a 180 , and she just would not listen..yelling at the both of us , when told to go into the room she refused to do so..she is 4'6 (i am 4'11) and i can no longer lift her , so because she was refusing my other half picked her up nicely and carried her to the bedroom for her punishment , when she started kicking her legs and ended up bringing her leg up so high that she actually kicked him in the face. 

that was it for me , i was NOT happy about that at all and told her that she was now definitly grounded and was to stay IN the room. She yelled and screamed at the top of her lungs for at least 3 hours after that , until she finally fell asleep on her own. (I have also refused to do the bedtime routine because she kept trying to use that to manipulate me and tried to get me to come into the room)...the door was NOT shut by the way. 

Monday night we picked her up from school and when we got back to his place we told her to go back into the room once again, because she was grounded...omg , i am so glad that i decided to stick with the punishment here instead of going home ...

I was able to just get up and walk out of the apartment and go for a walk around the block when she got to be too much (where i couldn't do that with just me at home), its been a struggle im not going to lie ...i have gotten defensive with the other half i have gotten to the point that its almost like im letting a newborn CIO , or at least that is how it felt..but he kept going over to the door and talking to her and telling her that she was not going to get me to come to the door and that she needed to serve her punishment and she is making it worse by screaming the way she is.

I can not believe the realization that i have had , and the amount of support that this man has given me ...he makes it a point to let DD know that it doesn't matter what she does , he is not going anywhere and he will not leave me or her and that he wants us as a family ...and it is up to her whether we are going to have fun as a family or if she is going to be punished all the time because of her behaviour.

We are back at his place , and she is once again in the bedroom (its the last night of her grounding)...we had a long talk when we got back from school ...just me and her , i asked her to please go into the room and think about it before we continued it again.

I was damn near ready to put her in a behavioural home..one that would teach her responsiblities , and one that would teach me to have a set of ballz....and i was honest and told her this , i also told her ' it's either Lynwood Hall where you wouldn't live with me , or it is me having DF as a backup and helping me with you and helping you get your A.D.D./ O.D.D. under control  and you getting to stay ' 

But the realization of just how much i let things slide ..just because i was depressed about the unhealthy relationship i was in , makes me want to punch myself in the face lol. 

I love that the man i am with now , is so committed to us ...wants to be a family , he wants to marry me ..he has made sure to tell me and her on many occasions this week alone that he is not going anywhere and that we are all a team , and that when he fell inlove with me ..he knew that my daughter was a package deal and he wouldn't have it any other way. 

Hopefully he will rub off on me enough that me being a wimp will slowly fade away! 

Dont know what the point in this was ...i just had to write it down as a reminder to myself i guess , that i CAN do this and WILL do this and i will get DD into the right frame of mind and it won't be such a challenge anymore to just have happy life :)

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 4:29 PM
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Replies (1-4):
frndlyfn
by Emerald Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 4:40 PM

Definitely keep seeking parenting classes especially ones that focus on the add/odd.  My guy's son was diagnosed with that and his mom used it as an excuse not to discipline.  Well I dont tolerate certain behaviors in my home especially from adults which now all the step children are so he got disciplined here.   There are times where it is hard to follow through and that support is very important that your new guy is giving.

Two_Hearts
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 4:43 PM
i am waiting on a call from lynwood hall for at home help i am hoping to get those parenting classes soon as well :)

Quoting frndlyfn:

Definitely keep seeking parenting classes especially ones that focus on the add/odd.  My guy's son was diagnosed with that and his mom used it as an excuse not to discipline.  Well I dont tolerate certain behaviors in my home especially from adults which now all the step children are so he got disciplined here.   There are times where it is hard to follow through and that support is very important that your new guy is giving.

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ERMAGERRD
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 4:47 PM

Its pretty normal for children to act out like this in these situations. It can take up to a year for them to fully stop and just start being good again. Maybe counseling wold be good?

Two_Hearts
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 4:58 PM

This has been going on for years...that's part of the reason why i feel like slapping myself.

I did have her in counselling , we both were ...she actually manipulated the counsellor (stated the reason she didnt like to sleep in her own bedroom was because she was afraid of the closet , that didn't work very well because she sleeps every where else just fine with closets..and her's was not even visible where her bed was lol).

I am hoping to get her into seeing a new counsellor , hopefully someone better and someone she can not manipulate.

Quoting ERMAGERRD:

Its pretty normal for children to act out like this in these situations. It can take up to a year for them to fully stop and just start being good again. Maybe counseling wold be good?


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